Sketch – Sourdough Bread
Sourdough BreadIntroduction: In attempts to bring back imperial weights and measures, Boris Johnson decided to revive physical media and releases a stand-up comedy DVD for his loyal fans.
Announcer: Straight from the release of his hit DVD ‘My 3rd Mother-in-Law Needs A New Bungalow’, Please welcome to the stage……Boris Johnson!
FX: Audience Applause
FX: Boris Voice is amplified/echoed like playing a giant stage.
Boris Johnson: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen…Bit of nostalgia there, when there were only 2 genders? Simpler times, weren’t it?
FX: Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: Do you remember Ounces? Do you ‘member? …. Ounces? ‘Member ‘em? Ounces?
FX: Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: You’d get in from school, be waiting for ya tea, and you’d shout ‘Mam! Mam! Wots fo tea?’
Boris Johnson: and she’d shout up t’stairs “I’ve be t’shops and got some ounces”
Boris Johnson: and you’d be like ‘Ounces? …. Ounces? but I wanted chippy tea!’
FX: Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: and she’d be like “you’ll eat your ounces. Y’know there be poor kids starving in Africa.”
Boris Johnson: so you’d say, “well give them the ounces instead.” wouldn’t ya? You’d say, “Give ‘em those instead.” Cos ya wanting chippy tea!
FX: Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: What a ‘mazing world it were as t’kid. They had ounces in Europe and you could buy ‘em, not in Europe, but in the Kwik Save in Windsor! ‘Magine that? Ounces in Windsor? They are like a future food!
FX: Loud Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: Remember buying pints? ‘Member them? You’d be in the pub, buying pints of lager. Do you remember that?
FX: Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: You’d get in from school, be waiting for ya tea, and you’d shout ‘Mam! Mam! Wots fo tea?’
Boris Johnson: and she’d shout up t’stairs “You are having a pint”
Boris Johnson: and you’d be like ‘a pint? …. a pint? but I wanted chippy tea!’
FX: Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: and she’d be like “you’ll drink your pint. Y’know there be poor kids thirsty in Africa.”
Boris Johnson: so you’d say, “well give them the pint instead.” wouldn’t ya? You’d say, “Give ‘em those instead.” Cos ya wanting chippy tea!
FX: Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: What a ‘mazing world it were as t’kid. They had litres in Europe and you used to be able to buy litres from Europe, but since that Brexit you can buy Pints! ‘Magine that? Buying a pint in Windsor? Due to Brexit! What a time to be alive!
FX: Loud Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: Remember being monogamous? ‘Member that? You’d be at an international press junket, being monogamous. Do you remember that?
FX: Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: You’d get in from school, be waiting for ya tea, and you’d shout ‘Mam! Mam! Wots fo tea?’
Boris Johnson: and she’d shout up t’stairs “You are being monogamous”
Boris Johnson: and you’d be like ‘monogamous? …. monogamous? but I wanted chippy tea!’
FX: Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: and she’d be like “you’ll be monogamous. Y’know there be poor kids who dream of monogamy in Africa.”
Boris Johnson: so you’d say, “well let them be monogamous instead.” wouldn’t ya? You’d say, “Give ‘em monogamy instead.” Cos ya wanting chippy tea!
FX: Canned Laughter
Boris Johnson: What a ‘mazing world it were as t’kid. They had people being monogamous in Europe, but not now, since that Brexit. ‘Magine that? Monogamy in Windsor? Due to Brexit! What a time to be alive!
FX: Loud Canned Laughter
Announcer: Coming soon! Straight to DVD, Boris Johnsons Brand New Stand-Up Show, ‘My FOURTH Mother-In Law Needs a New Bungalow Tour’ with the exact same content as the previous DVD, but this time filmed in front of a live Tory Party Conference!
END
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