Sketch

Intro Jeremy Clarkson’s daughter gets married.

Clarkson Father of the Bride

Master of Ceremonies: All Rise for the Father of the Bride. Jeremy Clarkson: Welcome Everyone! When I saw the tents going up in the grounds of the estate, I thought ‘Are we filming our latest series of The Grand Tour here?’ Because if it was Top Gear, it would be an aircraft hanger…but we can’t use them. Jeremy Clarkson : I remember the day my little Emily was born. I got a Porsche 944 delivered and didn’t realise how impractical having a family would be on my car driving. Jeremy Clarkson: They say nothing prepares you for fatherhood but people who say that have never been given the keys to a Lamborghini Aventadoor LP780-4 Ultimate Roadster. Jeremy Clarkson : When I arrived at the hospital on the day she was born I was amazed at how perfect she looked. How could something so small make me so happy? Richard Hammond: Are you talking about me, Jeremy? Jeremy Clarkson : No Richard ‘the Hamster’ Hammond, you buffon, I said ‘Happy’ not ‘embarrassed’! Anyway, back to the story. I went inside the maternity suite and was handled this little squished up bundle of joy…it was a steak sandwich – They obviously knew how angry I got when I’ve not eaten. Emily Clarkson : *Embaresed* Daaaaaaaaad! Jeremy Clarkson : After I had a bite to eat, and got Mrs Clarkson out of the bed she was in so I could have a well deserved sleep, I woke up and looked at the beauty that was Emily. Jeremy Clarkson : Her eyes were big, like the headlights of an Mazda MX5. Her face was all scrunched up, like the front grill of a Nissan Juke. And her hair was red, like a Ferrari Testarossa. What I wasn’t prepared for was how her crying sounded like a Formula 1 car going round Silverstone. Jeremy Clarkson : As I gazed upon her face, it hit me. Sorry, SHE hit me. Turns out Emily was hungry – like father like daughter! Jeremy Clarkson : Taking her home was a worry. All that responsibility was mine, if anything happened then it was MY insurance that would have to pay for the car. As luck would have it, the journey home was as pedestrian as the kind of people I hate – no, not the french. Nor the Argentinians….but actual pedestrians. Jeremy Clarkson : When she turned 21 I worked out what she had cost me in total. We’d had a few breakdowns, a little recovery, and some minor cosmetic work, but the lamborghini was mensurably cheaper than Emily over the same 21 years. Jeremy Clarkson : Now, I look across this room and see that my investment has been worthwhile. Emily has become an amazing and wonderful lady. I’m also glad that she didn’t choose to marry Richard or the other one! Although if she had, I could at least make reference to the Captain Slow-dance! Jeremy Clarkson : So I’d like you all to raise a toast, to the most wonderful, most perfect, most ‘I’d do anything for her’, most spectacular, most pride inducing, most beautiful, and finally, most worthwhile thing I’ve ever done my life. Jeremy Clarkson : Although I will always consider her mine, it is time for me to pass her onto someone else who will love her, cherish her, and worship her as much as I do. It was hard to find someone but … .congratulations to ….. Paddy McGuinness. Jeremy Clarkson: To “Top Gear” Wishing you all the best for the future, but not as good as my future with Amazon.