Topical Joke Writing 25th January 2016

Topical Joke Writing 25th January 2016

Another week of the comedy course and more writing to be done. Our homework for this week was to write topical stuff. That meant two weeks on the bounce for me! I love some topical jokes!

I managed about 4 minutes of stuff and the highlights were;-

A grandmother of 13 has been jailed after stuffing £1500 worth of cocaine in her vagina. She was trying to get off her tits but a spokesperson for the family have said she always has aimed low and she is now regretting getting cunted.

Tony Blair says Scotland will leave the UK if Britain voted to leave the EU. I trust Tony Blair so little, that if he said bears shit in a wood, I’d go straight to a car-park to watch some bears shit.

The Partner of murdered East Enders actress, Sian Blake has spoken out about what happened. On the night of the murder he approached her and she said she knew about what he’d been up to and she was just about to go tell the police that…… duh Duh Duh duh Dudududud!

The rest of the stuff will be uploaded as file for people to read (or not read) at their pleasure.

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Rufus Hound on the NHS

Rufus Hound on the NHS

I attended a recording of the Museum of Curiosity and one of the guests was Rufus Hound. The show was great but Rufus was amazing. He appeared a little drunk (nothing wrong with that) but at one point went on a tangent about the NHS. It was amazing and I thought it was a special moment only the lucky people in the room would get to enjoy it.

Until Now.

I have just found that a recording of it was loaded to YouTube.

If you’d like to listen to the rest of the episode then it should be broadcast in February on Radio 4. The other people are on are John Lloyd, Sarah Millican (curator), Sir Tim Smit (Eden Project), and Doris Vickers (archaeoastronomer).

I’ve been a massive fan of Rufus for years but unfortunately haven’t seen him perform live. This is something I definitely want to rectify.

If you fancy a Rufus Hound fix then you can currently get 4 DVDs he has been involved in. 1 is a stand-up show and the others are either movies he was part of or his childrens tv series, ‘Hounded’.

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My First Ever Gig

My First Ever Gig – 21st December, 2015

At the end of the beginners comedy course we were given the option of taking part in the showcase or not. I really was undecided about it, especially as I didn’t feel my set from the previous week (that we performed to the other people on the course) was any good. Based on this I had 1 week to write a completely new, and untested 5 minutes that I thought people would be happy with. Nothing like a bit of pressure to help get your mind in the right place for writing comedy!

With the pressure on I did nothing about it until the day of the show. Then I gave myself the rediculous task of working out what I was going to perform. There was little chance of me writing brand new stuff so I printed out some of my previous writing from the course and started to re-work that. Eventually I had 3 seperate 1 minute bits that I hoped would stretch out to 5 minutes. And then I practiced them.

I probably have 15 different recordings of me performing the set. Ranging in time from 3.58minutes to 9.32 minutes (I think I got distracted halfway through). Happy that on average i was getting to 5 minutes I decided what I’d wear for the performance and headed out of the flat.

Arriving in Leicester Square far too early I grabbed a Tea and waited outside the venue. Re-performing my set into my mobile phone over and over. I kept my headset in so that people would think I was on the phone but if they over-heard what I was saying they would have probably thought I was a bit mental. As more people arrived we headed inside and made our way to the basement where the gig would be held. After being asked to leave by the barman, Kate arrived and we began to set up the chairs. At this point Kate explained that we had well over 100 booked to watch the showcase and there wouldn’t be enough seats for anyone anyway. Us comedians would have to hide at the back of the room.

We were also given the running order and I was partway through the 1st half. This was a godsend to me as I’d only have to wait for 2 or 3 sets before I’d be able to do mine and get off stage to enjoy the rest of the performances. We had a great opener, Nick. He had the crowd in stitches with his ‘Canadian in the UK’ jokes. This got everyone laughing and help set the standard of the showcase. In less time than expected I heard my name called and the audience were clapping and cheering as I fought my way through the crowd to the stage.

There were over 120 people there and as such I really had to fight through the audience…to the point where they had stopped clapping long before I got anywhere near the stage. Luckily Kate in her role as MC got them going again and I arrived on stage to rapturous applause.

The lights were blinding, the time on stage appeared to race past while at the same time taking for-ever. I don’t remember them laughing once. That’s not to say that they weren’t laughing but even coming straight off stage I can’t remember any laughs from anyone. I left the stage to a great round of applause and as I made my way back to the comedians people congratulated me. It was a good feeling. The other comics did tell me people were laughing at my jokes so I’m glad I didn’t do as badly as I imagined it went in my head.

The other acts of the show all did great. The comedians were ace, the audience amazing. Performing to 120+ people really was something that no-one could have expected but it certainly helped make the gig what it was.

At the end of the night I went back home and thought long and hard about what I’d achieved and done. Not bad going at all. The first step of a journey has certainly been completed. Where will the next step take me?

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NewsJack Submission 13

NewsJack Submission 13 – 10 – 15

This was my NewsJack submission for the 13th October, 2015

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

PLAYBOY IS TO DROP PICTURES OF NAKED WOMEN FROM ITS MAGAZINE. IN UNRELATED NEWS, MILLIONS OF MEN WHO BUY IT ‘JUST FOR THE CAR FEATURES’ HAVE SUDDENLY CANCELLED THEIR SUBSCRIPTIONS. LEAKED GOVERNMENT REPORTS SAY THAT LEGALISING CANABIS WOULD GENERATE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF POUNDS IN TAX. THIS WOULD BE A NEW ‘MUNCHIE’ TAX ON ANY SNACK FOOD PURCHASED FROM A CORNER SHOP AFTER 11PM. FACEBOOK PAID LESS THAN £5,000 IN TAX LAST YEAR. AMAZON, STARBUCKS, AND GOOGLE ‘LIKE’ THIS.

VIEWJACK:

I DON’T CARE THAT HOVERBOARDS HAVE BEEN MADE ILLEGAL. IN THE SAME WAY I’M NOT GIVING UP MY TIME TRAVELLING DELORIAN. IT COST £12 MILLION TO WATCH JULIAN ASSANGE FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS. BUT WHEN I HIDE IN A TREE AND WATCH JANET FROM ACCOUNTS, I GET FINED AND HAVE TO PAY HER MONEY – WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? ALL THIS TALK ABOUT AN ‘IN/OUT’ REFERENDUM ON EUROPE. I VOTE ‘OUT’ AND THINK WE SHOULD BE PART OF THE BAHAMAS AS THEY HAVE BETTER WEATHER.

Breaking News #3 seems a bit ‘yawn’ now. I thought it would fit the format of the show well but I wasn’t really happy with it. I thought Breaking News #1 was go though. ViewJack #1 was about the fact hoverboards don’t exist, but I think the punchline (re-reading it) just help make that leap at all. I think ViewJack #2 could be better.

IT COST £12 MILLION TO WATCH JULIAN ASSANGE FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS. BUT WHEN I HIDE IN A TREE AND WATCH JANET FROM ACCOUNTS, THE POLICE ARREST ME, TAKE ME TO COURT AND I HAVE TO PAY HER MONEY – WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?

its only a small change, but I think it makes it sound better.

ViewJack #3 is one that doesn’t sound right.

ALL THIS TALK ABOUT AN ‘IN/OUT’ REFERENDUM ON EUROPE. I VOTE ‘OUT’ AND THINK WE SHOULD JOIN THE CARIBBEAN AS THEY HAVE BETTER WEATHER.

Is that better? Is it not? I’m leaning towards slightly better when it is said out loud.

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NewsJack Submission 29

NewsJack Submission 29 – 09 – 15

These are the submissions I made to NewsJack on the 29th September, 2015

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

JEREMY CORBYN HAS SAID MOST PEOPLE SHARE HIS VALUES. THE TELEGRAPH LED WITH THE HEADLINE ‘RED JED GETS IN YOUR HEAD – HAS THE COMMIE BOUGHT MIND CONTROL DEVICE FROM NORTH KOREA?’ FACEBOOK GOES DOWN FOR A SECOND TIME IN A WEEK. WE APPROACHED A MAN IN THE STREET WHO TOLD US HE HAD JUST HAD A ‘CHEEKY NANDOS’ FOR LUNCH AND HIS GIRLFRIEND HANDED US SOME PHOTOS OF SOME CATS. DAVID CAMERON HAS SAID HE IS ‘TOO BUSY’ TO SUE LORD ASHCROFT FOR CLAIMS MADE IN HIS BOOK. SEPP BLATTER IS ALSO TOO BUSY TO SUE ANYONE ABOUT THE CLAIMS ABOUT HIM BEING CORRUPT AND ALSO I’M TOO BUSY TO SUE MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT CLAIMING I SPENT LAST NIGHT WITH TRACY FROM ACCOUNTS.

VIEWJACK:

THEY SAY THAT HOW YOU SLEEP REVEALS LOADS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS AND SEX LIFE. I STAY UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY AND DRINKING RED BULL….BUT THAT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP AND SEX LIFE. WATER HAS BEEN FOUND ON MARS? THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME. I KNEW THEY HAD BEEN GETTING SMALLER, BUT WATERING THEM DOWN AS WELL? THE FAKE SHEIK HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH PERVERTING THE COURSE OF JUSTICE. I DIDN’T REALISE IT WAS SUCH A SERIOUS OFFENCE! I ONCE HAD AN INCIDENT INVOLVING A FAKE SHEIK. I ASKED FOR VANILLA AND THEY GAVE ME BANANA.

Favourites from this submission are Breaking News #3 as I could really hear this in Nish’s voice (a real strange thing to say but it really did seem like that) and none of these ViewJacks I’m very happy with. Obviously I wrote these just before the submission deadline as I think with a bit of work they could be better. For example

THEY SAY THAT HOW YOU SLEEP REVEALS LOADS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS AND SEX LIFE. I HARDLY SLEEP AS I STAY UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY AND DRINKING RED BULL….BUT THAT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP AND SEX LIFE.

I needed to make reference back to ‘sleep’ and not ‘staying up’. It certainly reads better and that helps it being funny.

THEY HAVE DONE SOME DRILLING AND WATER HAS FINALLY BEEN FOUND IN MARS? THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME. I KNEW THEY HAD BEEN GETTING SMALLER, BUT WATERING THEM DOWN AS WELL?

Water ON Mars? That doesn’t make sense for the punchline. Water IN Mars… that makes much more sense. Just not any funnier.

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NewsJack Submission 14

NewsJack Submission 14 – 08 – 15

This is the submission I made to NewsJack on the 14th August, 2015.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

A STOLEN DIAMOND HAS BEEN SURGICALLY REMOVED FROM A LADIES BOTTOM. APPARENTLY HER LAST WORDS TO HER BOYFRIEND WERE, “MARRY YOU? I’D RATHER SHOVE THAT RING UP MY ARSE!” THE TRIAL OF 6 WOMEN WHO LAUNCHED A PYRAMID SCHEME HAS COST BRISTOL CROWN COURT £1.4 MILLION POUNDS. IT SOUNDS EXCESSIVE BUT IF THE COURT CAN FIND 6 OTHER COURTS THAT WILL INVEST £1.4 MILLION POUNDS EACH THEN IT CAN EXPECT TO EASILY TRIPLE ITS MONEY. DAVID CAMERON TOOK TO TWITTER TO ANNOUNCE JEREMY CORBYN AS A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY. NICK CLEGG WAS SEEN TO REPLY, “R U ALRIGHT HUN?” AND TWITTER USER @POTUS CHIPPED IN WITH, “STAY STRONG. – WE GOT YO BACK SMILEYFACE WINKY FACE #THERESNOPLACELIKEDRONE?”

VIEWJACK:

“I’VE FINALLY DECIDED TO GET THIS NEW APPLE IPHONE 6S. APPLE SAY IT IS THE BEST PHONE EVER…IF THAT’S TRUE, I DOUBT THEY WILL RELEASE ANY MORE AFTER THIS ONE….” I HEARD ON THE NEWS THAT THE QUEEN NOW HOLDS THE LONGEST REIGN EVER. I KNOW IT IS FAR AWAY, BUT HOW COME NO-ONE TELLS YOU WHAT IT IS ATTACHED TO? I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE ISSUE IS WITH LETTING ALL THE REFUGEES INTO THE UK. I LOVED THAT SONG, “KILLING ME SOFTLY”

My favourite jokes are Breaking New #2 and I really liked ViewJack #3….but there is a special place in my heart for ViewJack #2 for its silliness. Not the usual type of joke I write but it did make me chuckle!

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