NewsJack Series 20 Episode 1

NewsJack Series 20 Episode 1

A new series so I better get writing

I did struggle getting back into the swing of things but I will be submitting something for every episode of this series of NewsJack

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

Tehran has banned driving in cars with dogs. Why don’t they just stop giving dogs driving licences? Super Bowl news! The Northern Saw-whet beat the Andaman Boobook for ‘Best Plumage’ in 2019! Sorry, that should have been Superb Owl news. Thieves used sewers to empty a bank vault. Eye-witnesses describe the gang of four as aged 13-19, genetically affected by radiation, versed in martial arts and, strangely, being turtles.

I wanted to submit a Super Bowl joke as I love the superbOwl joke. I also know that one of my superbowl jokes was in the script before but not broadcast so I put it back in.

The TMNT joke had a couple of re-writes and I ended up here. For some reason I removed the word ‘well’ from infront of ‘versed’ which makes the joke harder to read.

Next up was Newsjackpedia. A section I don’t enjoy as really its not clear what the team want. Do they want wordplay or do they just want silliness.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:

‘Churchilling – To remember the ‘good old days’ of World War 2 and blitz spirit without having lived through World War 2 or the blitz. ‘Maroon Fiveing’ – To disappoint everyone when you are given your biggest chance to impress everyone. ‘Morganing’ – To present the moral high-ground on morning television when you presided over the hacking of phones and the publication of fake Prisoner-of-War pictures.

Churchilling I enjoyed

Maroon Fiving was trying to get more superbowl stuff in

Morganing got reworded a few times…I was trying to make sure I’d not be sued!

None of my jokes made the broadcast. I’m not suprised!

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Newsjack Series 18 Episode 1

Newsjack Series 18 Episode 1 – Analysis Series 18 Episode 1 – Analysis

I didn’t get anything in this week’s show. A-Boo! I hear you say. I think I should have submitted the Samsung Chips joke. Never mind there is always next week.

As you may be aware, I did some review of a couple of previous episodes and seeing as I was [s]bitter[/s] having a bit of spare time I thought I’d do this episode.

Newsjack Summary

Newsjack is a weekly topical news comedy show which accepts user submissions for oneliner jokes and sketches. The BBC do pay for all broadcast user submissions.

Analysis

I’ve listened to the broadcast and I have tried to categorise the jokes broadcast against their guidelines for what they want people to submission.

First of all, I do not include Angela’s monologue in the stats as this isn’t something that members of the public can submit to.

Secondly, there is no released details on who has written what, but occasionally they do tweet out who wrote what. If I had to guess, these are staff writers/invited writers who are paid to write for Newsjack rather than people who have, that week, submitted 6 one liners and 2 sketches.

Thirdly, this is my analysis. The assumptions I make are mine, as are the conclusions I come to. Newsjack have confirmed they don’t agree with all the conclusions…interesting use of ‘all’ there ;).

Hi Thanks for this – we find analysis like this interesting but can’t agree with all the conclusions – we do have some sketches written by in house writers – but these are writers we spotted as they sent stuff into Newsjack…

#AskNewsjack1/2https://t.co/rpdL6dy1HR

— BBC Writersroom (@bbcwritersroom)

February 1, 2018
Breakdown

There we have it. About 21 minutes of the 28 minute show can be submitted by members of the public. Much better stats than some of the previous shows I’ve looked at – there has been an increase of about 30 seconds to both Breaking News and Number Crunching. The Sketches have also increased by nearly 2 minutes! Great news to the writers.

Breaking News continued to have 3 sections in the show and there remains only 1 Number Crunching. I predicted we’d see a strong lean to Politics (Trump and May) but really we saw only 4 oneliners/sketches in the politics bracket. Perhaps the last series used up all the trump jokes. I think it probably has been affected by The Mash Report but I guess we’ll find out.

World News was the largest section with 12 items. Its like WN and Politics have switched places! 😀 Apart from Science & Technology, the others are all pretty similar.

Sketches

I think sketches are the hardest to write. A topical sketch based on a news article within 1 week of the submission date? Hard work indeed! Add in that most of the sketches are 2 minutes or more, not an easy thing to write. So the ‘man on the street’ has to find a news story and write something very funny and the advice is ‘make it a recent event’. Everyone I know who submits does so with some news story within 48 hours of the submission deadline. Submission was Monday 5th so I’d think that people would search for stories from Saturday at the earliest. Saturday is the 3rd.

Labour music festival – https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/5483870/labour-to-hold-glastonbury-style-socialist-music-festival-to-celebrate-jeremy-corbyn-this-summer/ – 2nd Feb Update Exams – http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/2018/02/01/school-textbooks-will-updated-include-sex-couples-textbooks/ – 1st Feb Markle to give speach at wedding – https://www.hellomagazine.com/royalty/2018013045874/meghan-markle-give-wedding-speech/ – 30th Jan Ghost Towers – https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/feb/04/anger-over-glut-of-posh-ghost-towers-london – 4th Feb Slang Weather Forecast – https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/met-office-forecasters-may-start-using-regional-slang-in-weather-bulletins-a3755121.html – 1st Feb Kim Yung-un moves military parade – I can’t find any links to this happening? Anyone got another about it being moved, not just ‘happening’? Video Refs – https://news.sky.com/story/video-assistant-referees-to-be-used-at-world-cup-in-russia-11218645 – 22nd Jan Kardashians – As about the baby but really just a call back to KYU. Product Placement in Corrie – https://www.theguardian.com/media/2018/jan/30/coronation-street-product-placement-deal-co-op-costa-coffee – 30th Jan

The oldest article I can find is the 22nd January – 2 weeks before the submission date! Then there are two from the 30th and two from the 1st of Feb. I don’t think the producers/script collators would accept user submissions 2 weeks old, and I’m not sure they’d even take items based on Thursday 1st as these would be a week old by the time it is broadcast. I don’t even think they’d accept something based on events from Friday 2nd. Based on this, and the dates I can find (strange I find nothing about the movement of the military parade), 6 out of the 9 sketches are from news events that happen well before people submitting would choose to write about.

The first episode of Newsjack probably wants some strong sketches so I think most (if not all) of the 6 would have been written by staff/invited writers and not submitters. I’d love to know from the production team whether my calculations are close.

Breaking News

Three sections on this show. A good amount of time for one-liners. A mainsplaining joke is a bit old-hat, in my opinion. And referencing Lewis Hamiliton’s dress wearing nephew in a joke pushes the boundaries of a recent reference. But it does up the ‘sport’ category for jokes so there is that.

Talking about how old some of the jokes were, Disney buying Fox was from DECEMBER 2017. I really don’t think thats topical anymore. I also struggled finding a link to the Hummus story but the one I did find was from 28th of January. Is that topical? Probably close enough but I feel that anything NOT within the last 3 days before the submisison deadline probably was written by ‘staff/invited’ writers.

I think maybe the FTSE joke was written last week, but luckily the market is collapsing so it was still topical! 😀

The breakdown of topics for Breaking News is as follows;

A healthy number of one-liners for Breaking news. No science & tech this time (although maybe the Samsung joke could be moved there from world news). Not lots of trump jokes but a cool reference to the Mash Report’s cartoon.

Number Crunching

There were 7 number crunchers in this episode. The Bitcoin joke was a good one – better than the one I wrote! I’m just annoyed I didn’t write it! Some of the topics were a bit rubbish – Dry January, best sex at 65, and £20 valentines Maccy D’s meal. I wonder if this means there can be no valentine’s day jokes in the 2nd episode?

I still think that Number Crunching is a section that doesn’t have long to live. Back when it was ‘vox pox’ there were two sections in the show, but Number Crunching still only has one. The 300 stray dogs story has recently resurfaced but I think this is something that has been around for a while. The rest were fairly recent stories so I think they were submissions from the public.

No political NC or Sports NC – Which when you consider the Superbowl was on, I’d have thought they’d have had something on that. I’d have thought there was also something in Politics that could have been pick up but they decided against it. By having more than 1 Number Crunch section they could probably fit in 10 during the shows.

In Summary

I think at least half of the Sketches were written by staff/invited writers. I think most of the Number Crunchers were from submissions – based on there being less of these and the staff/invited writers being happy to not do these. Finally I think the one-liners are probably mostly submitted but a few of them, based on the story dates, weren’t.

It will be really interesting to see what episode 2 is like. I doubt there will be any jokes based on 2 week old (or older!) stories.

What are your thoughts on the first episode of the new series of Newsjack? Let me know in the comments? Did you write some of the jokes? I’d be interested to know which ones 🙂

*please note that I realise that I spelt ‘Markle’ wrong in some of my tables. I just couldn’t be bothered to fix them!

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Newsjack

Newsjack – Submission 9 – One Liners

After not submitting last week, I decided to get something in for this week.

BREAKING NEWS:

ENGLAND MANAGER SAM ALLARDYCE FACES THE SACK FOR HAVING A SECOND JOB BEING A ‘FIXER’ TO AVOID FA TRANSFER RULES. IF ONLY HE PUT AS MUCH EFFORT INTO HIS FIRST JOB, MAYBE WE’D SOARED TO THE SEMI- FINALS OF THE EUROS. DOG MISSING FOR EIGHT MONTHS FOUND IN MANCHESTER AIRPORT. FRIENDS OF THE DOG SAID HIS HEALTH WAS IMPROVING HOWEVER HE WAS STILL FEELING A LITTLE ‘RUFF’. A FAMILY IN LEICESTER DISCOVERED THE ‘4-HOUR ERECTION’ SPIDER IN A BUNCH OF BANANAS. APPROACHED FOR COMMENT THE KIDS ADVISED, “MUM AND DAD SAID THAT THE SPIDERS HATE THE SOUND OF BARRY WHITE AND CURRENTLY THEY ARE TRYING TO FIND ONE IN THEIR BEDROOM…AND WE AREN’T TO DISTURB THEM…ITS BEEN HOURS.”

VIEWSJACK:

ITS GREAT THAT SEWING ROBOTS WILL PUT SWEATSHOPS OUT OF BUSINESS BUT DON’T FORGET WE ARE THE REAL LOSERS HERE – ITS RUINED THE GREAT BRITISH SEWING BEE. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. A SCIENTIST WINS A NOBEL PRIZE FOR LIVING AS A GOAT IN THE ALPS FOR A YEAR. I LIVE LIKE A PIG IN THE LIVING ROOM FOR A MONTH AND MY WIFE LEAVES ME. I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT COUPLE BEING ROBBED BY KIDS IN THAILAND. I WAS ROBBED ON HOLIDAY IN PARIS – HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRICE OF DISNEYLAND TICKETS?

I love the silliness of Breaking News #2, Breaking News #3 just feels too wordy and #1 I’m not sure is an actual joke! Not a great start but they do occasionally like stuff like BN#2 so who knows.

ViewsJack #1 I like but think it should be worded differently. I’m re-wrote it a couple of times but still not happy with it. I like VJ#2. I thought it was a very strange news article, I wonder if someone else spotted it and thought ‘there is a joke in there’? VJ#3 is another one which felt like it was going somewhere but I just couldn’t get to the destination I wanted. Even now, after submission, I’m thinking something else.

I feel sorry for the couple who went on holiday to Thailand and only discovered they were robbed when they got the pictures back. I had the same thing happen to me in Paris – €25 for the picture of me and the husband on Splash Mountain – Daylight Robbery!

Never Mind…some you win and some you lose.

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Twon

Newsjack – Submission 9 – One Liners

After not submitting last week, I decided to get something in for this week.

BREAKING NEWS:

ENGLAND MANAGER SAM ALLARDYCE FACES THE SACK FOR HAVING A SECOND JOB BEING A ‘FIXER’ TO AVOID FA TRANSFER RULES. IF ONLY HE PUT AS MUCH EFFORT INTO HIS FIRST JOB, MAYBE WE’D SOARED TO THE SEMI- FINALS OF THE EUROS. DOG MISSING FOR EIGHT MONTHS FOUND IN MANCHESTER AIRPORT. FRIENDS OF THE DOG SAID HIS HEALTH WAS IMPROVING HOWEVER HE WAS STILL FEELING A LITTLE ‘RUFF’. A FAMILY IN LEICESTER DISCOVERED THE ‘4-HOUR ERECTION’ SPIDER IN A BUNCH OF BANANAS. APPROACHED FOR COMMENT THE KIDS ADVISED, “MUM AND DAD SAID THAT THE SPIDERS HATE THE SOUND OF BARRY WHITE AND CURRENTLY THEY ARE TRYING TO FIND ONE IN THEIR BEDROOM…AND WE AREN’T TO DISTURB THEM…ITS BEEN HOURS.”

VIEWSJACK:

ITS GREAT THAT SEWING ROBOTS WILL PUT SWEATSHOPS OUT OF BUSINESS BUT DON’T FORGET WE ARE THE REAL LOSERS HERE – ITS RUINED THE GREAT BRITISH SEWING BEE. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. A SCIENTIST WINS A NOBEL PRIZE FOR LIVING AS A GOAT IN THE ALPS FOR A YEAR. I LIVE LIKE A PIG IN THE LIVING ROOM FOR A MONTH AND MY WIFE LEAVES ME. I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT COUPLE BEING ROBBED BY KIDS IN THAILAND. I WAS ROBBED ON HOLIDAY IN PARIS – HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRICE OF DISNEYLAND TICKETS?

I love the silliness of Breaking News #2, Breaking News #3 just feels too wordy and #1 I’m not sure is an actual joke! Not a great start but they do occasionally like stuff like BN#2 so who knows.

ViewsJack #1 I like but think it should be worded differently. I’m re-wrote it a couple of times but still not happy with it. I like VJ#2. I thought it was a very strange news article, I wonder if someone else spotted it and thought ‘there is a joke in there’? VJ#3 is another one which felt like it was going somewhere but I just couldn’t get to the destination I wanted. Even now, after submission, I’m thinking something else.

I feel sorry for the couple who went on holiday to Thailand and only discovered they were robbed when they got the pictures back. I had the same thing happen to me in Paris – €25 for the picture of me and the husband on Splash Mountain – Daylight Robbery!

Never Mind…some you win and some you lose.

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Newsjack

Newsjack – No Submission this week

Nothing from last week’s submissions. Hit the low point of submitting bugger all. Serves me right.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

– Wayne Gretzky

I will have to get back on it like a bonnet this weekend. I have got tickets for the Newsjack recording tonight so it should get me back into the groove of what they want. Hopefully I can get another joke in for this series.

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Newsjack

Newsjack – Submission 8 – One Liners not sent.

I was struggling getting 6 jokes for this session. Until the 11th hour when I found something else I liked the look of and I bumped this joke off my submission.

“SAMSUNG’S NEW PHONE IS SO ‘HOT’ RIGHT NOW. THE GALAXY NOTE 7 IS ‘EXPLODING’ ONTO THE MARKET AND FIRST REVIEWS SAY IT IS ‘THE BOMB’. SAMSUNG HAVE SAID TRIGGERING IT FOR RELEASE BEFORE THE NEW IPHONE IS A RISK BUT THEY HOPE IT WONT ‘BLOW UP IN THEIR FACE’. ”

I also saw on twitter this tweet….

Wiltshire Police are searching for up to 75 pantomime costumes stolen from a local theatre group.

#ohyestheyare #behindyou

— Jon Kay (@jonkay01)

September 13, 2016

What a great set-up for a joke but I had literally just pressed submit on my 6 and so couldn’t do anything with it. Hopefully someone does as I think it is perfect for Newsjack!

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Newsjack

Newsjack – Submission 8 – One Liners

I submitted these this week.

BREAKING NEWS:

MANCHESTER UNITED ARE THE FIRST UK CLUB TO EARN HALF A BILLION POUNDS IN A SEASON. THE NEW BILLING PROCESS OF CHARGINGS FANS FOR EACH MILE THEY LIVE FROM OLD TRAFFORD IS REALLY PAYING OFF. WHAT CAR? MAGAZINE HAS SAID THAT DESPITE THE EMISSIONS SCANDLE, 2ND HAND VOLKSWAGENS ARE HOLDING THEIR VALUE. VW ARE DENYING THAT AN EMPLOYEE WAS SEEN INSTALLING A BLACK BOX ON THE SERVERS AT ‘WEBUYANYCAR.COM’. PIERS MORGAN RISKS JAIL FOR TEARING ONE OF THE NEW £5 NOTES LIVE ON TV. OF ALL THE THINGS PEIRS COULD GO FOR JAIL FOR AND THIS IS THE ONE PEOPLE GET UPSET ABOUT.

VIEWSJACK:

(POSH PERSON) I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT KATE MIDDLETON WAS DRIVEN AROUND BY THE QUEEN RECENTLY. WHAT SETTING DOES ONE NEED TO USE TO BOOK HER AS MY UBER DRIVER? NOW THAT WE WILL NEED A VISA TO GET INTO EUROPE, IS MY TRIP TO MAGALUF CANCELLED BECAUSE I BOOKED IT ON MY MASTERCARD? I LOVE THE IDEA THEY ARE BRINGING BACK GRAMMAR SCHOOLS. MINE TAUGHT ME ABOUT KNITTING, RATIONING DURING THE WAR AND CASUAL RACISM THAT THE WHOLE FAMILY POLITELY IGNORES.

I really like Breaking News#2 and #3 however the Piers Morgan one might be too risky. I liked #2 a lot though…but I’m guessing anything to do with VW emissions might be too ‘old’ as a joke even though it is a new news story.

And I was really happy with Viewsjack #2. Who doesn’t like a word-play joke? Simple, easy to understand and funny! VJ#3 also made me chuckle away. The VJ#1 I’m not sure why I needed to pre-face it with ‘posh person’ as I think it makes me out to be a bellend. ANYONE could have said that. What a prat!

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Amazon Before

Amazon Before – Newsjack Advert Submission

NEWS STORY REFERENCES / RELEVANT LINK

Amazon have release the Amazon Dash Button to order household items with just a press of a button.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-37224691

Nish: Amazon continue to develop new ways for UK consumers to pay them more money without the pesky interference of the tax man. After launching a 2-hour delivery timeframe, they are just about to announce their next offering.

AMAZON BEFORE

Narrator: (American movie voice-over sounding voice) From the company that bought you Amazon Prime – with next day delivery, and then beat that with Amazon Now – with 2 hour delivery….You will not believe what we are doing next!

Customer 1: Instant Delivery?

Narrator: No, that’s so last year.

Customer 2: Then what?

Narrator: Amazon Before!

Cust 1&2: (confused) Amazon Before?

GRAMS: Back in Time (Huey Lewis and the News) – volume then reduced to sound bed

Narrator: Do you remember when you last cooked a spaghetti Bolognese? You went to the cupboard to get some Italian mixed herbs?

Cust 1: Yes.

Narrator: And the jar of herbs was there?

Cust 2: Yes.

FX: Whooosh Sound

Narrator: Amazon put that jar there BEFORE you knew you needed it.

Customer 2: That’s Amazing!

Customer 1: No, That’s Amaze…on Before.

Narrator: Order now to get Amazon Before, now. Or get it yesterday, maybe last week. Actually you already have it, because you needed it in a month’s time. Amazon Before – don’t think about it too much as your head will hurt, but don’t worry as we’ve already put some paracetamol in the medicine cupboard.

END

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Jokes

Jokes

The world’s largest gang-bang occurred on the 23rd June. 60 million people were fucked by one guy, Nigel Farage.

Nasa spacecraft Juno makes closest ever approach to Jupiter. Its second space-craft, Immaturity, will soon pass the ring of Uranus.

Armed police in France have told muslim ladies to remove their burkinis to protect them from a police state that dictate what muslim ladies should wear.

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Newsjack

Newsjack – Submission 7 – update

I wasn’t confident with my NJ submission this week. Everything felt too wordy (and I struggled to get my 6 one-lines on 1 A4 page!) and I wasn’t really in the zone.

No email was received on Thursday so I new I wasn’t in with a chance but I do enjoy listening to Newsjack so I tuned in anyway.

What hit me this week was how ‘old’ some of the stuff was. They had Brexit, they had Trump. All stuff which could still be called ‘current’ but I still feel that these were probably written over the summer and just sent in. Time will tell if we see the same themes week on week.

I still haven’t got my own script together to submit – nothing since the Stonehenge one. I’ve got the weekend to put something together, I wonder if I will.

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