Newsjack

Newsjack – Submission 7

Here are the 6 I submitted this week.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

THE UNITED STATES HAVE BEATEN BRITAIN IN THE ‘CALL OF DUTY’ WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL. THEY WON PRIZE MONEY OF ONE MILLION DOLLARS AND 6 MONTH INJUNCTION FROM ANYONE SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THEIR MOTHERS. THERESA MAY HAS REJECTED THE POINTS-BASED MIGRATION PLAN. A RECENT SPONSORSHIP DEAL WITH NINTENDO HAS HAD NO INFLUENCE ON HER DECISION TO MOVE TO A POKEMON-GO BASED PLAN. SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A TEA-CUP THAT WILL KEEP YOUR DRINK HOT FOR 30 MINUTES. I’M SO GLAD THEY’VE CURED ALL ILLNESSES AND CAN START WORKING ON THIS FRIVIOLOUS STUFF. ANYONE WHO DOESN’T DRINK THEIR TEA WHEN THEY GET IT, DOESN’T DESERVE THIS SCIENCE OF THE FUTURE.

VIEWSJACK:

I SAVE SO MUCH MONEY WATCHING THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF. THE RECEIPIES ON SCREEN SAVE ME FROM BUYING PAUL HOLLYWOOD’S COOK BOOK AND THE INNUENDOES SAVE ME £3.50 A MINUTE ON ADULT CHAT LINES. SPORTS DIRECT ARE GOING TO REDUCE THEIR ZERO HOUR CONTRACTS. WILL THEY NOW BE MINUS ONE HOUR? I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY HAVE OFFERED DANIEL CRAIG £150 MILLION FOR THE NEXT TWO JAMES BOND FILMS, THEY COULD SAVE LOADS OF MONEY BY WATCHING IT AT LOCAL ODEON WHEN THEY ARE RELEASED.
]]>