NewsJack Submission 29

NewsJack Submission 29 – 09 – 15

These are the submissions I made to NewsJack on the 29th September, 2015

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

JEREMY CORBYN HAS SAID MOST PEOPLE SHARE HIS VALUES. THE TELEGRAPH LED WITH THE HEADLINE ‘RED JED GETS IN YOUR HEAD – HAS THE COMMIE BOUGHT MIND CONTROL DEVICE FROM NORTH KOREA?’ FACEBOOK GOES DOWN FOR A SECOND TIME IN A WEEK. WE APPROACHED A MAN IN THE STREET WHO TOLD US HE HAD JUST HAD A ‘CHEEKY NANDOS’ FOR LUNCH AND HIS GIRLFRIEND HANDED US SOME PHOTOS OF SOME CATS. DAVID CAMERON HAS SAID HE IS ‘TOO BUSY’ TO SUE LORD ASHCROFT FOR CLAIMS MADE IN HIS BOOK. SEPP BLATTER IS ALSO TOO BUSY TO SUE ANYONE ABOUT THE CLAIMS ABOUT HIM BEING CORRUPT AND ALSO I’M TOO BUSY TO SUE MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT CLAIMING I SPENT LAST NIGHT WITH TRACY FROM ACCOUNTS.

VIEWJACK:

THEY SAY THAT HOW YOU SLEEP REVEALS LOADS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS AND SEX LIFE. I STAY UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY AND DRINKING RED BULL….BUT THAT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP AND SEX LIFE. WATER HAS BEEN FOUND ON MARS? THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME. I KNEW THEY HAD BEEN GETTING SMALLER, BUT WATERING THEM DOWN AS WELL? THE FAKE SHEIK HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH PERVERTING THE COURSE OF JUSTICE. I DIDN’T REALISE IT WAS SUCH A SERIOUS OFFENCE! I ONCE HAD AN INCIDENT INVOLVING A FAKE SHEIK. I ASKED FOR VANILLA AND THEY GAVE ME BANANA.

Favourites from this submission are Breaking News #3 as I could really hear this in Nish’s voice (a real strange thing to say but it really did seem like that) and none of these ViewJacks I’m very happy with. Obviously I wrote these just before the submission deadline as I think with a bit of work they could be better. For example

THEY SAY THAT HOW YOU SLEEP REVEALS LOADS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS AND SEX LIFE. I HARDLY SLEEP AS I STAY UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY AND DRINKING RED BULL….BUT THAT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP AND SEX LIFE.

I needed to make reference back to ‘sleep’ and not ‘staying up’. It certainly reads better and that helps it being funny.

THEY HAVE DONE SOME DRILLING AND WATER HAS FINALLY BEEN FOUND IN MARS? THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME. I KNEW THEY HAD BEEN GETTING SMALLER, BUT WATERING THEM DOWN AS WELL?

Water ON Mars? That doesn’t make sense for the punchline. Water IN Mars… that makes much more sense. Just not any funnier.

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