Newsjack Episode 2 Submission

Newsjack Episode 2 Submission

This was all new stuff and written a bit hastily.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

HSBC ARE TO KEEP THEIR HEADQUARTERS IN LONDON. THEY WERE WORRIED THAT THE CORPORATION TAX WOULD BE TOO HIGH IN THE UK, SO THEY DID A QUICK GOOGLE AND SUDDENLY GEORGE OSBORNE AGREED THAT THEY WOULD ONLY HAVE TO PAY ABOUT 3%. KANYE WEST ASKED MARK ZUCKERBERG FOR ONE BILLION DOLLARS FOR HIS COMPANY ‘KANYE WEST IDEAS’. THE PROBLEM IS KANYE IS COMING ACROSS LESS ‘JAMES DYSON’ AND MORE ‘FAILED DRAGONS DEN PITCH’. SOON IT WILL BE ILLEGAL TO VIEW PORNOGRAPHY ON-LINE WITHOUT PASSING AN AGE CHECK. THE QUESTIONS WILL START EASY THEN HIT YOU WITH QUESTIONS LIKE, “AT WHAT AGE DID YOU FIRST WORRY ABOUT YOUR CREDIT SCORE?”

VIEWJACK:

STEPHEN FRY’S RELATIONSHIP WITH TWITTER IS LIKE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MCDONALDS. I TELL MYSELF, “NEVER AGAIN.” BUT THEN I JUST CAN’T RESIST GOING BACK. LIKE A LOT OF PARENTS, I GOT A LETTER FROM THE HEAD TEACHER TELLING ME TO STOP SMOKING CANNABIS BEFORE AND AFTER SCHOOL. HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME TO DEAL WITH A STORMING HANG-OVER AND LOOK AFTER A BUNCH OF SCREAMING 5 YEAR OLDS WHILE DOING A LESSON PLAN AND WORRYING ABOUT OFSTED? I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE BREXIT BUT I DO KNOW ONE THING;- AFTER 6 YEARS OF CAMERON RUNNING THE COUNTRY, WHATEVER HE SAYS WE SHOULD DO, WE SHOULD PROBABLY BE DOING THE OPPOSITE.

Another Google Tax joke, but I thought I could get away with it. Everyone loves a tax cheating joke.

I got no email from Newsjack so none of these made the show. I didn’t have the confidence in these like I did the last lot so I will need to up my game for episode 3

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