NewsJack

NewsJack – Submission 6 – One liners

One last week and then NewsJack is done for the series. I can stop worrying about whether I should write/submit anything for this. Here are my submissions for the last show in the series.

ONELINERS:

BREAKING NEWS:

A RUGBY PLAYER HAS HAD HIS PENIS NEARLY RIPPED OFF DURING A GAME. IT WAS A DREADFUL LOOKING TACKLE, SAID THE DOCTOR WHO FIRST EXAMINED HIM. CHRIS EVANS APOLOGIES FOR TOP GEAR STUNT. THIS IS IN PREPARATION FOR HIM HAVING TO APOLOGISE FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE TO TOP GEAR OVERALL. A RABBIT OWNER IN OZ TRIED TO CONVINCE THE POLICE HER ILLEGAL RABBIT WAS A GUINEA PIG. I HAD SOMETHING SIMILAR. MY GIRLFRIEND BELIEVED ME WHEN I SAID I HAD A MASSIVE SNAKE, UNTIL SHE SAW IT.

VIEWJACK:

(AMERICAN ACCENT) WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL WITH ANDERS BREIVIK’S SALUTE ON THE FIRST DAY OF HIS TRIAL? WE’VE BEEN DOING THESE SALUTES AT ALL THE DONALD TRUMP RALLIES FOR WEEKS, DON’T MAKE US NO RACISTS! I CAN’T BELIEVE TFL CANCELLED A CONTRACT AND PAID NEARLY £100 MILLION FOR A SUPPLIER TO NOT DELIVER TUBE IMPROVEMENTS. I COULD HAVE NOT DELIVERED TUBE IMPROVEMENTS AND I WOULD HAVE CHARGED THEM ONLY £50 MILLION. I’M GLAD AMAZON DON’T DO AGE CHECKS ON PURCHASES, OTHERWISE I’D NOT BE ALLOWED TO BUY THE LIMITED, COLLECTOR EDITION, HARRY POTTER TOYS. IN UNRELATED NEWS, WHY AM I STILL SINGLE AT 43 YEARS OLD. SINGLEARUS EXPELLARUM!

Initial feedback from my Showcase comedy group is that the Chris Evans joke is the weakest. Lets see what the BBC decide to steal use this week (if anything).

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