NewsJack Submission 5

NewsJack Submission 5 – Oneliners

I didn’t submit anything this week, but if I had It would have been these.

ONELINERS:

BREAKING NEWS:

BREXIT NEWS – BORIS JOHNSON SAYS HE DIDN’T FORCE A GAG ON STAFF REGARDING VOTE. HE REFUSES TO COMMENT ON WHETHER HE MADE THEM WEAR A LEATHER HOOD OR LATEX BODY SUIT IN PRIVATE MEETINGS. MORRISSEY TO CAMPAIGN TO BE LONDON MAYOR. WITH SONGS LIKE ‘THE MORE YOU IGNORE ME, THE CLOSER I GET’, I KNOW ITS GOING TO HAPPEN SOMEDAY’ AND ‘LET ME KISS YOU’, HE SEEMS PERFECT TO REPLACE BORIS. DRIVERLESS HGVS TO BE TRIALLED IN THE UK. TRUCK DRIVING UNIONS ARE WORRIED ABOUT WHO WILL CALL OUT ‘OI OI!’ AND ‘CHEERS UP LOVE!’ TO WOMEN ON THE STREET?

VIEWJACK:

I DON’T UNDERSTAND ALL THIS FUSS OVER INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY. APART FROM INVENTING X-RAYS AND RADIO THERAPY, OBSERVING EVIDENCE OF DARK MATTER, DISCOVERING THE XY CHROMOSOME, DISCOVERED NUCLEAR FISSION, UNLOCKED THE SECRETS OF DNA….WHAT HAVE THEY EVER DONE FOR US? I DON’T BELIEVE THAT MY DRINKING THE NIGHT BEFORE AFFECTS MY DRIVING IN THE MORNING. I NEVER GO OFF THE RAILS WHICH IS LUCKY AS I DRIVE THE TUBE. MY BANK CONTACTED ME TO SAY I HAD AN OUTSTANDING AMOUNT ON MY ACCOUNT. WHICH IS STRANGE AS I’VE BEEN SPENDING LOADS RECENTLY AND I’D HAVE THOUGHT I’D HAVE RUN OUT OF MONEY.

A bit Boris heavy on the Breaking News but seeing as they aren’t getting them, I don’t care!

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