Submission 13 – NewsJack – One-liners

This week was a hard week. I really felt I’d lost my mojo. I went to see Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer last week and it put me in a good mood.

I don’t know what caused the funk to surround me but neither the sketches or the one-liners really felt like they hit home.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. DUREX BUYS A BABY-FOOD COMPANY. A SPLIT IN THE COMPANY DURING THIS BIG SPURT HAS BEEN EXPECTED BUT THE TRUE RESULTS MAY ONLY BE SEEN IN 9 MONTHS TIME.
  2. SHOCKING NEWS AS CHARLES BRONSON PROPOSES TO HIS SOAPSTAR ACTRESS GIRLFRIEND AND SHE SAID …(EASTENDERS DUM DUMS SOUND FX)
  3. UK SKILL SHORTAGE LEADS TO DYSON BEING PUSHED TO ASIA. MANY DOUBT THE CORDLESS VACUUM CLEANER WILL GET FURTHER THAN FRANCE BEFORE REQUIRING EMPTYING AND CHARGING.

NUMBER CRUNCHING:

  1. £4.6 BILLION: ROLLS ROYCE’S LARGEST EVER REPORTED LOSS

£30: UNAPPROVED OVERDRAFT CHARGE MADE BY THEIR BANK

  1. £20: HOW MUCH BETTER OFF PENSIONERS ARE A WEEK THAN WORKING

£20: EXACT INCREASE IN COST OF ELECTRIC BAR HEATERS AND WERTHERS ORIGINALS

  1. 100: PEOPLE INVOLVED IN MASS BRAWL INSIDE A WEATHERSPOONS

100: PEOPLE WHO MIS-UNDERSTOOD THAT IT WAS THE MEAL DEAL FREE DRINKS MENU THAT NOW INCLUDED A PUNCH.

 

The durex joke started forming when I was looking for sketches. It did have a couple re-writes but I’m still not happy with the final product. The 2nd Breaking News joke isn’t right as his girlfriend was a Coronation Street actress but the ‘Wah Wahs’ aren’t as well known as the ‘Enders ‘Dum Dums’. Breaking News number 3 was the last one written. I saw a little story about Dyson which said, ‘Skills Shortage Pushes Dyson to Asia’ and figured there would be a joke in there. I ended up with the above but I still feel the joke could be made punchier.

Number Crunching was much harder this week.

NC#1 – Its the same joke I’ve sent in before. the late payment/unapproved OD/etc appeared before but I thought I’d try it for Rolls Royce. Who knows, they might like it this time?!

NC#2 – this was more of me trying to find a joke about a popular number that was in the news. The £20 better offer being a pension was in the news and is something people would recognise. Electric bar heaters and wethers for old people is a little hack but who cares, they aren’t going to use it anyway.

NC#3 – another new article using numbers – 100 people involved in a punch up. Really couldn’t get this written correctly and I wasn’t happy with the final draft although it was better than earlier ones.

Not much really to report this week. Fire and Forget. Roll on next week’s submission and hopefully things will improve.