NewsJack Submission 12 – One-Liners

This week I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I had no jokes from writing the sketches so thought i’d trying this one anyway.

The Number Crunching came a little easier than the Breaking News but I still think as a format it will be forgotten soon, especially if there is only one ’round’ broadcast.

Here is what i submitted.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. BREXIT VOTING DATA RELEASED SHOWING PEOPLE WITH LOWER LEVELS OF EDUCATION AND OLD PEOPLE MAINLY VOTED LEAVE. THE DATA ALSO IDENTIFIED THE RELIGION OF THE POPE AND LOCATIONS BEARS USE AS TOILETS.
  2. GREEN PARTY COUNCILLOR ARRESTED DURING A TREE-FELLING PROTEST. POLICE OFFICERS CALLED IN FROM SPECIAL BRANCH.
  3. BISON RETURNED TO CANADA’S OLDEST PARK. MOUNTIES ELATED THEY NOW HAVE SOMEWHERE TO WASH THEIR HANDS.

NUMBER CRUNCHING:

  1. TEN MINUTES: AMOUNT OF TIME DOCTORS SPEND PER GP APPOINTMENT
    TEN MINUTES: AMOUNT OF TIME JUNIOR DOCTORS HAVE TO SLEEP BETWEEN SHIFTS
  2. ONE-FIFTH OF 25 YEAR-OLDS ALREADY OWN THEIR OWN HOME.
    FOUR-FIFTHS OF 25 YEAR-OLDS ARE STILL WAITING FOR THEIR PARENTS TO DIE.
  3. £1,000,000 : AMOUNT DAVID BECKHAM BLACKMAILED OVER EMAILS DISCUSSING LACK OF KNIGHTHOOD
    £930,000 : AMOUNT HE COULD HAVE DONATED TO THE TORY PARTY WHICH WOULD HAVE GUARENTEED ACTUALLY GETTING IT.

Now there was a last minute substitution. NC#2 was going to be

250,000 NEW HOMES REQUIRED ANNUALLY, SAY GOVERNMENT OFFICALS
£250,000 HOMES REQUIRED LOCALLY, SAY RENTER IN THE SOUTH OF ENGLAND

The end of it was being changed between ‘South of England’ and ;’London’ until I decided I should just do a different joke. It didn’t really feel right to me anyway. It got replaced with something much darker and certainly funnier, but who knows what the team at NewsJack like? I did try making a different joke based on the World Record for non-stop commercial flight

16 HOURS 30 MINUTES : WORLD RECORD NON-STOP PLANE TRIP ARRIVING IN AUCKLAND, AUSTRAILIA.
17 HOURS: VIRGIN TRAIN JOURNEY BETWEEN LONDON AND EDINBURGH, ONCE YOU INCLUDE THE BUS REPLACEMENT SERVICES.

There is a joke in there somewhere, I’m just not sure where.

BN#2 made me chuckle. I’m sure a million people will submit it but I didn’t care. I liked the word-play. BN#3 was also another wordplay joke based on ‘Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo’ and as its well known, I’m not sure whether the staff writers/producers will enjoy it. I also like BN#1 but I’m sure I’ve submitted loads of jokes with a punchline involving popes and bears and none appear so I guess I’ll be SOOL this week on the Breaking News Front.

Number Crunching was hard slog but I think I did ok. They are ‘funny’ but whether they are NewsJack funny, I’m not sure. I do like an NHS joke so I’m happy with NC#1 and the David Beckham joke felt like something that could be in the Private Eye. Thinking of which, is that EXACTLY where Newsjack stole that idea from? Probably. I have just got my Private Eye subscription arranged so I wonder if there will be any overlap?