NewsJack Submission 11 – One Liners

Newsjack Submission 11

Nothing in last week and I didn’t spend as long this week as I’d usually do. Here they are.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. THE UNIVERSITY OF MIDDLESEX HAS SUGGESTED ROBOTS COULD HELP SOLVE THE ELDERLY SOCIAL CARE CRISIS. DOCTORS ARE WORRIED WE COULD SEE THE QUICK RETURN OF THE ‘BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH’.
  2. UK AGREES £100M TURKEY DEFENCE DEAL. FUNDING RUNS OUT DECEMBER 24TH.
  3. 7 COUNTRIES ARE ON THE US BAN LIST. RUMOURS OF PLANS ON ADDING 4 MORE DENIED AS TRUMP WOULD HAVE TO TAKE OFF HIS SOCKS TO COUNT THEM.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

  1. NUMBER: ONE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED-THOUSAND PETITION TO CANCEL STATE VISIT BY TRUMP. NUMBER TEN IGNORES PETITION.
  1. 30 MILLION: FAKE NEWS STORIES BEING INVESTIGATED BY THE GOVERNMENT
    10: CELEBRITIES WHO ARE NOW TREES, NUMBER 7 WILL SHOCK YOU.
  1. 6%: FINE DEUTSCHE BANK PAID AFTER ADMITTING $10 BILLION RUSSIAN MONEY LAUNDERING SCHEME.
    94%: PROFIT THAT PROVES THAT CRIME DOES PAY.

I wrote the first 2 Breaking News while investigating stories for sketches.  BN1 was a bit of a struggle wording it but I was mainly happy with it. BN2 was just very silly – I just hope the Turkey/turkey wordplay is obvious and appreciated by people in the Newsjack writers room.

Number crunching was hard this week. I wonder if anyone else has the same problems as I do? I liked the idea about NC1 but writing it down it just didn’t seem to work. NC2 the punchline does match the feed-line: buzzfeed style punchline isn’t really ‘fake news’ just click-bait and so the two shouldn’t be together. Finally, I struggle for a 3rd one so with announcenment of a $590 million fine for Deutsche Bank I thought I would throw it in there. It was the closest I could get to a punchline and the original joke was along the lines of;-

$10 billion: Value of russian money laundering deal by Deutsche Bank which resulted in a 6% fine
14 Years in Prison: What a ‘man on the street’ would receive as punishement if they were involved in Money Laundering.

That didn’t read right so I re-worked it to be the joke I submitted. I guess I’ll find out Thursday how I did.

In other news, submitting before 12 meant I missed this beauty of a news story

http://metro.co.uk/2017/01/31/nothing-to-see-here-just-80-falcons-on-a-plane-6417088/

Falcons on a plane! 80 of them!