Newsjack – Submission 10

Not the greatest but seeing as I attended the writer’s meeting a couple of weeks ago it seemed rude to not submit. I’d not managed to get my act together to write any scripts but I knew I could submit some one-liners. Here is what I went with.

1.    Russia could be banned from next year’s Winter Paralympics. Russian competitors were up-in-arms about it until Olympic officials reminded them they were competing in a quadriplegic category.
2.    Southend United sacked a groundsman after match cancelled due to frozen pitch. The English Groundsman Association have complained that this is just not cricket…where they would have received a verbal warning before being fired.
3.    The Head of Britain’s Electronic Surveillance Agency has resigned. Rumours that GCHQ had been hacking into BBC Radio 4 Extra computers and altering scripts, have been strongly denied.
4.    I think GCHQ are doing an amazing job and I am certainly not worried about them having access to all electronic data companies might hold about me including websites/google searches/emails/whatsapp messages/snapchats. There is nothing to fear here. I love the GCHQ, and if anything, they should get to learn even MORE about me. #loveGCHQ

Now I really couldn’t word the first one in a way I was happy. I tried and I tried and I tried (in the hour I had to write them before the 12 deadline on Tuesday ) but I couldn’t manage it. You will also notice there are 4 in this section but I figured 3 & 4 were actually one joke so they might let them through.


One-liner number 2 was a sporting one. During the writer’s meeting they mentioned they don’t get lots of sports jokes and so I thought I would ‘play the numbers’ and see if I could write something maybe not as strong, but in a category they might not get lots in. It didn’t work out well but there it is, in all its’ glory.

We now move onto the new section – Number Crunching

1.    45th : President of the United States.
1st : President to use the words “You know, I’m, like, a smart person.”
2.    1: Prime Minister who says,”Brexit Means Brexit”
650 : Members of Parliament who actually decide if Brexit means Brexit.
3.    £530 Million: Hole in the BT Accounts due to serious accounting errors
£35: late payment fee BT will charge itself for each payment missing in that account.

All of these written in the 60 minutes before the deadline using BBC News/Mirror/Evening Standard websites as sources.


NC1 – A Trump joke. There would be millions of these submitted. I thought I’d risk it for a biscuit.

NC2 – She had literally just lost the case stopping her from ignoring parliamentary sovereignty.

NC3 – I liked this one. Its a ‘Business’ category joke and out of all of the one-liners I submitted, I thought this would have the best chance.

I’ve moved out of my usual writing style and tried something else – to ‘play the numbers’ to have stuff included. I wonder if it will work?

If I really wanted to increase the possibility of something being performed, I really should do some sketches!