Donald Petition – Newsjack Sketch Submission

Downing Street ignore petition to ban trump due to it being a ‘populist gesture’


Intro:                                   With the Petition and March against Donald Trump’s visit to the UK, Theresa May is desperate to show strong leadership at a time when she is being called into question so she contacts her polical allies to see if they can help.

Theresa:                    Does anyone have any hand santisiter? He touched my hand.

Boris:                          Cripes! Just be glad that’s ALL he touched.

Amber:                       So what are we going to do about this petition? Over 1 million people have requested we stop his state visit.

Theresa:                    We can’t do that! It would be signalling that we bow to any popullist gesture.

Amber:                       But didn’t we do just that in calling for the referendum? And then again when we won it?

Theresa:                    No, that was completely different. Brexit means Brexit, I’ve been very clear on that.

Amber:                       So what do we tell people? He has that golf course up in Scotland, maybe you can ask Nicola if she can help?

Theresa:                    Good Idea.

FX: Phone pick up/Dialing/Ringing

Nicola:                        Hello.

Theresa:                    Och-Aye the Noo to you too, Nicola. I need a favour.

Nicola:                        You only call me on my cell phone..

Theresa:                    Pardon?

Nicola:                        When you need my Love…..

Theresa:                    (confused) Donald is coming over to the UK and I need you to take him out and show him the town up in Scotchlandshire.

Nicola:                        Really? He gets a little handsy. By that I mean he likes touching with his tiny wee hands. And by that I mean his hands are tiny and also covered in ….

Theresa:                    (interupting) I understand. Now can you distract him with windfarms or something.

Nicola:                        Of course. But I will need a favour from you?

Theresa:                    (frustrating) What do you want?

Nicola:                        A second scottinsh referendum!

Theresa:                    Not now, Nicola.

Nicola:                        You may take our land but you’ll never take our FREEEEEDOM!


Theresa:                    So Nicola is no help. Anyone got any other ideas?

Boris:                          Well Chaps, I can think of someone who could help us here. He has been out of the lime-light for a while and I know him and Trump get on like a house on fire. Let me go get him.

FX – runs off/Runs back sound

Nigel:                          I’m just a normal bloke like you. I like pubs, fags and beer. And not Foreigners.

Boris:                          What-Ho Nigel! Bozza needs a favour. As the Foreign Secretary I need you to handle Trump and have him re-arrange his trip to the UK.

Nigel:                          I’m just a normal bloke like him. I like walls, no healthcare and definitely denying climate change. Let me give him a call and see what I can do.

FX: Phone pick up/Dialing/Ringing

Trump:                        I’m like the greatest on the phone.

FX: pickup

Trump:                        See, I knew that. I’m on the phone now. No-one has been better on the phone than me.

Nigel:                          Don, its Nige. I’m just a normal bloke like you.

Trump:                        Nigel. I knew that! You are speaking to The Donald. That’s me, by the way.

Nigel:                          The Donald. I need to come visit you.

Trump:                        Excellent. I’m the best at being visited. But now is bad, so very bad. Its like the worst time to visit me as I’ll be in the United Kingdom of England and my scotish golf course.

Nigel:                          So I’ve heard, but I’m not sure you are aware of something.

Trump:                        The Donald is aware of everything. I’m like the president of being aware. No-one is more aware of things than me.

Nigel:                          Then you would have heard that ….errr…the uk is currently being over-run by …eerrrrrr…. Sylvanian Families.

Trump:                        Of course I had. Sylvanian Families. Coming over there and radicalising your kids!

Nigel:                          I know. Parents all over the countries are being asked to PAY to get more of them into their homes.

Trump:                        You should build a wall!

Nigel:                          Anyway, I just don’t think it is safe for the Donald at the moment.

Trump:                        The Donald might be affected?

Nigel:                          The Donald’s kids might be affected.

Trump:                        That makes The Donald sad. And no-one is more sadder than the Donald.

Nigel:                          So you’ll stay there and I’ll come visit you?

Trump:                        Sure! Other people have said they will stay, but The Donald will deliver on his commitment to stay here.

Nigel:                          Thanks The Donald. See you soon.

FX – Phone hang up.

Nigel:                          All done Theresa, now lets talk about that cabinet role you promised me

Therea:                      Shhhhh Nigel, that’s our little secret…

FX – Jet Plan Landing Sound

Trump:                        I have arrived! I’m the best at arriving. No-one is better arriving than me.

Nigel:                          Errr…The Donald. I thought I was visiting you.

Trump:                        You are. Me being here is just an Alternative Fact.Its sure is cold in the UK. The Donald is oh so cold. I’m like the best at being cold. Can anyone make my gloves smaller so they fit on my hands? Probably best you wash them first.