NewsJack Submission 14 – 08 – 15

This is the submission I made to NewsJack on the 14th August, 2015.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. A STOLEN DIAMOND HAS BEEN SURGICALLY REMOVED FROM A LADIES BOTTOM. APPARENTLY HER LAST WORDS TO HER BOYFRIEND WERE, “MARRY YOU? I’D RATHER SHOVE THAT RING UP MY ARSE!”
  2. THE TRIAL OF 6 WOMEN WHO LAUNCHED A PYRAMID SCHEME HAS COST BRISTOL CROWN COURT £1.4 MILLION POUNDS. IT SOUNDS EXCESSIVE BUT IF THE COURT CAN FIND 6 OTHER COURTS THAT WILL INVEST £1.4 MILLION POUNDS EACH THEN IT CAN EXPECT TO EASILY TRIPLE ITS MONEY.
  3. DAVID CAMERON TOOK TO TWITTER TO ANNOUNCE JEREMY CORBYN AS A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY. NICK CLEGG WAS SEEN TO REPLY, “R U ALRIGHT HUN?” AND TWITTER USER @POTUS CHIPPED IN WITH, “STAY STRONG. – WE GOT YO BACK SMILEYFACE WINKY FACE #THERESNOPLACELIKEDRONE?”

VIEWJACK:

  1. “I’VE FINALLY DECIDED TO GET THIS NEW APPLE IPHONE 6S. APPLE SAY IT IS THE BEST PHONE EVER…IF THAT’S TRUE, I DOUBT THEY WILL RELEASE ANY MORE AFTER THIS ONE….”
  2. I HEARD ON THE NEWS THAT THE QUEEN NOW HOLDS THE LONGEST REIGN EVER. I KNOW IT IS FAR AWAY, BUT HOW COME NO-ONE TELLS YOU WHAT IT IS ATTACHED TO?
  3. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE ISSUE IS WITH LETTING ALL THE REFUGEES INTO THE UK. I LOVED THAT SONG, “KILLING ME SOFTLY”

 

My favourite jokes are Breaking New #2 and I really liked ViewJack #3….but there is a special place in my heart for ViewJack #2 for its silliness. Not the usual type of joke I write but it did make me chuckle!

NewsJack Submission 11 – 03 – 15

This is my submission for NewsJack on the 11th of March, 2015.

My first ever one. At this point I wasn’t even confident of writing a 3rd ViewsJack! I also only wrote about 1 topic for the oneliners and I think this was a bad decision. The news article was Robin Thicke/Pharrell being sued by Marvin Gaye’s family about ‘Blurred Lines’.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. WHEN DOES IMITATING A SONG BECOME COPYING A SONG? IF ONLY WE HAD A PHRASE THAT COULD DESCRIBE THIS ‘GREY AREA’?
  2. PHARELL WILLIAMS HAS SAID HE WILL APPEAL AFTER BEING FOUND GUILTY OF COPYING ANOTHER SONG. IN A STATEMENT MADE AFTER THE COURT RULING HE SAID, “IS THIS THE REAL LIFE? OR IS THIS JUST FANTASY? CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE RULING, NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY….”
  3. ROBIN THICKE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF COPYING…. MYSOGNISITIC VIEWS FROM THE 1980’S.

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. MAN: I CAN’T BELIEVE CLARKSON HAS BEEN SACKED FOR PUNCHING SOMEONE. I WOULD HAVE BET MY LIFE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR YET ANOTHER RACIST COMMENT.
  2. WOMAN: UNLESS THE TV POLITICAL DEBATE BETWEEN CAMERON AND MILIBAND HAS AN X-FACTOR STYLE SING-OFF, I’M NOT WATCHING.

Look at those ViewJacks! They are so poor and hack I deserved to not have them performed!