Category: Sketch

Back In Time – Newsjack Sketch Submission

Tony Blair throws his 2 pence into the EU migration discussion. Although now, with the pound collapsing against the euro its probably worth less than a penny.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-41216679

Back in Time

FX:                              Thunderbold

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        Marty! We did it! We have arrived in London in 2017!

MARTY:                                 You are crazy doc I can’t believe it!

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        You better believe it! Here, turn on the radio.

FX:                              Radio Crackle and tuning into station

NEWS PRESENTER:         And there we have it. Tony Blair giving his opinion on EU migration curbs. Coming up next, This week’s Eastenders….Phil Mitchel has a run in with ….[Fade Out]

MARTY:                                 There’s gotta be something up with your computer, Doc. This sounds like we are back in the 1990’s Britain not nearly 30 years later.

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        Let me try another radio station.

FX:                              Radio Crackle and tuning into station

DJ PRESENTER:                Its a great top 40 album chart we have for you this week. Eminem is up 4 places, Oasis rise 3 and The Verve have a new entry into this weel’s chart! Coming up next, the Foo Fighters…..[fade out]

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        This can’t be right! The computers are never wrong.

MARTY:                                 I don’t know, Doc. Maybe it was the millennium bug or something.

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        Lets check one more time before we head back.

FX:                              Radio Crackle and tuning into station

NEWS PRESENTER:         ….Tensions are high right now as the whole world looks on. At a time when we have enjoyed world peace for what feels like a generation, the fear now of a nuclear attack from the east is a serious possiblity. The President of the United States has said that…….[Fade Out]

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        This can’t be right. I think we should go home.

MARTY:                                 Let me set the co-ordinates…we need to go to somewhere when everything seems normal. We’re gonna head back to the good old US of A in the 2000s. Arnie is governor of California, There is a Bush in White House and hopefully I can finish watching the rest of Lost!

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        When this baby hits 88mph we are going to see some serious Sh…

MARTY:                                 Sorry Doc! Congestion charge zone. We’re going to have to take a left here and head out to the M3 before we can hit that kind of speed!

FX:                              Thunderbold

END

Facebookski – NewsJack Sketch Submission

Facebook uncovers massive Russian funded mis-information campaign

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-41182519

Facebookski

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound.

ANDREI:                                Hillary Clinton! 25 facts about her email servers. Number 17 will blow you away.

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound.

ANASTASIA:                         Andrei likes this!

FX:                              Keyboard typing sounds

SERGEY:                              Hey Guys. Check out this link! It shows people in the capitalist pig country of the America going out in a hurricane and stealing shoes!

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X2

ANASTASIA:                        Andrei & Sergey likes this!

FX:                              Keyboard typing sounds

ANDREI:                                Can you guess how long the next US Communications Secretary will be in the role? Place bets now!

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X3

ANASTASIA:                        Katya, Andrei & Sergey likes this!

FX:                              Keyboard typing sounds

SERGEY:                              Which communist leader are you? Take this Buzzfeed quiz Chairman Mao – don’t be Stalin to take this quiz.

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X2

ANASTASIA:                        Katya & Sergey likes this!

FX:                              Furious Keyboard typing sounds

ANDREI:                                Comrade Andrei, why do you not like my post? Do I need to report you to Validimir directly?

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X3

ANASTASIA:                        Katya, Andrei & Sergey likes this!

ANDREI:                                That’s better! Now have you finished creating your twitter accounts?

SERGEY:                              Yes! I’m up to ‘John436383’. That is 436382 accounts created today. For some reason someone is already posting as ‘John342342’.

ANDREI:                                Did they have a profile picture of an egg?

SERGY:                                 No, it was a white flag with a red cross and he talked about being England being for the English…but he spelt England I N G L U N D.

ANDREI:                                Don’t worry about him, that’s one of our top operatives in Europe, Vika, she is trying to destabilise the UK government.

SERGEY:                              It looks like she is doing a great job! She has already been retweeted by N. Farage, B. Johnson and someone called P. Nuttal.

ANDREI:                                I’ve never heard of any of them. Anyway, time to get back on to facebook. What have you got planned next?

SERGEY:                              It’s a quiz about a love which is rejected by most people but that doesn’t stop you still pursuing it.  It might feel wrong and people might judge you badly but we think it is really going to get the engagement across the social network and all the news outlets.

ANDREI:                                Sounds amazing! What is it?

SERGEY:                              “Ignore the haters! Is your love the real deal? Then don’t be shy! Let the whole world know! Take our Donald and Ivanka ‘love has no boundaries’ quiz to see what you’d do to enter the presidentship!”

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X10

END

All My Sketches In One Place

I thought I’d do a quick post putting all my sketches in one place for ease of reading.

21/09/15 – Explaining Stonehenge Purchase to Wife
07/03/16 – Syrian Business Process Improvement (BPI)
12/09/16 – Oh Glorious Nation of North Korea
12/09/16 – NHS Outta Time
31/01/17 – Baby FitBit
31/01/17 – Donald Petition
07/02/17- The Pop-Up Pop-Up
07/02/17 – Break Up Means Break Up
13/02/17 – Tescxit
13/02/17 – What a Hunt!
20/02/17 – Welcome to Brexit King
11/09/17 – Facebookski
11/09/17 – Back In Time

I will keep this updated and add stuff to it as I write.

Welcome to Brexit King – NewsJack Sketch Submission

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/feb/20/divide-and-rule-tactics-could-leave-uk-without-deal-say-eu-politicians

EU Brexit Dealings Could Lead to UK not getting the Deal it wants

Title – Welcome to Brexit King

(Teresa May & Boris Johnson are in a car going to order food from a drive-thru)

 

Brexit Burger:            Welcome to Brexit King. Can I take your order please?

Teresa:                       Errrr.. I never feel comfortable with these things.

Brexit Burger:            Hi! Welcome to Brexit King. Can I take your order please?

Teresa:                       I’d like a Hard Brexit please,with an extra side of financial institution HQs. (whispers) Boris what do you want?

Boris   :                       I’ll have the same please, but make sure you hold the refugees.

Teresa:                       So that’s two Hard Brexits, with the HQ Sides but ONE with no refugees….actually better make them both like that.

Brexit Burger:            And what would you like to drink?

Teresa:                       I’d love a Chablis!

Brexit Burger:            Sorry, that’s no longer included when you order a hard Brexit.

Teresa:                       Champagne?

Brexit Burger:            Sorry, that’s no longer included when you order a hard Brexit.

Boris   :                       (from back of the car) How about some Sangria!

Teresa:                       Ok, I’ll ask. Can we get two Sangrias?

Brexit Burger:            I’m sorry, that also is no longer included when you order a hard Brexit.

Teresa:                       What if we swap them for a Red, White and Blue Brexit?

Brexit Burger:            So you want to swap your 2 Hard Brexits for 2 French Brexits?

Teresa:                       No! No! No! I mean a ‘Best of British Brexit’.

Brexit Burger:            There is no such thing as that.

Teresa:                       Lets stay with the two Hard Brexits, with sides of Financial Insitution HQ’s and hold the refugees. What drinks can we have with them?

Brexit Burger:            If you order the meal deal you can have anything drink from the Full Hard Brexit Meal Deal.

Teresa:                       And what options are those?

Brexit Burger:            You can have a warm pint of Newcastle Brown Ale, a London Gin, or we can offer you some Irn Bru.

Boris:                          Iru Bru! Irn Bru! (Scottish Accent) Its made frum Gurders!

Teresa:                       Two Iru Bru then.

Brexit Burger:            Oh! I’m sorry. I’ve just seen that Iru Bru is no longer planning to be part of the Full Hard Brexit meal deal.

Teresa:                       Two gins then. Can we get one with coke and one with orange juice.

Brexit Burger:            The gins on the Full hard Brexit Meal Deal don’t come with mixers – we can’t allow anything to dilute the taste of a full hard Brexit.

Teresa:                       We’ll take them straight. We don’t mind a bit of tough medicine.

Brexit Burger:            Let me confirm your orders. I’ve got two Full Hard Brexit Meal Deals, with sides of Financial Institution HQs, both with no refugees but with some straight Gin. Now do you want a desert?

Teresa:                       Yes. We’d like to both have our cake and eat it.

Brexit Burger:            I’m not sure that’s possible with the Full Hard Brexit Meal Deals. I will need to check with my manager. Oi! Monsieur Barnier! Monsieur Barnier!

Michel Barnier:         Oui?

Brexit Burger:            Ils veulent avoir leur gâteau et le manger. C’est possible avec le Full Hard Brexit Meal Deal?

Michel Barnier:         HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Brexit Burger:            Monsuier Barnier?

Michel Barnier:         hahahaha (stops laughing) – Non. Les imbéciles.

Brexit Burger:            Sorry. The Full Hard Brexit Meal Deal isn’t available with a ‘Eat Cake and Have it’ dessert. We have got some humble pie you could have?

Teresa:                       Do you recommend that?

Brexit Burger:            Not really, it tends to leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Teresa:                       Ok. Lets just stick with what we have.

Brexit Burger:            So the total comes to £66 billion.

Teresa:                       Boris, can you pass me that £350 million a week we’ve been saving.

Boris:                          Gosh! I didn’t expect you to actually want it.

Teresa:                       Have you spent it?

Boris:                          I can’t lie to you Teresa, it never really existed.

Teresa:                       But I’ve promised people a full hard Brexit! How will I pay for it?

Trump:                        Hello pretty lady, do you need a hand? It’s a full sized adult hand and certainly not small like a tiny child’s.

Teresa:                       Not where you are thinking, Donald, I’m not that kinda girl!

 

END

Submission 14 – NewsJack – Sketches

Here we go again. Another week and nothing written until 2 hours before the deadline. Nothing I’ve written so far (as a sketch) has got anywhere near broadcast so I’ve lost a little a faith in the process.

Trawling the news websites today nothing really jumped out so I had a think about some of the other sketches that have been broadcast and they all seem to follow a similar pattern and only 1 or 2 of them actually could be said to be about a unique news story. For this reason I decided to just write a Brexit sketch (What? Another one of them with the millions of other submissions they will receieve) and I would then find a  Brexit news article to shoe-horn it against.

The theme of the sketch was to be ‘Brexit as a Burger King request’ with an idea of ‘have it your way, with BK’ structure. As usual it contains Teresa May and Boris Johnson. There is a guest appearance from Michel Barnier to mix it up a little. I decided to make him speak french. I thought it was a good touch and something to make the french speakers chuckle and people who don’t speak french will still get the joke.

Finally, another crappy ending to sketch. The NewsJack editorial team always suggest having your ended sorted first and then build to it but I never do and as such my sketches don’t finish well. Maybe it will impress someone in the writers team? Who knows? Who cares?

With no further ado (sorry for all the additional ‘ado’ I’ve prefaced this with).

Welcome To Brexit King

What a Hunt – NewsJack Sketch Submission

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-38926697

Jeremy Hunt says NHS is unacceptable.

Title – What a Hunt

 

Jeremy:                      darling. I have something to tell you.

Mrs hunt:                   what is it, my love.

Donald:                      I’ve recently found something out and I feel it is only right to tell you I know.

Advisor 2:                  I don’t understand?

Donald:                      Sit down.

Advisor 1:                  I’m sat down.

Donald:                      It has come to my attention that there is an issue with our relationship.

Mrs. Hunt:                  But you’ve been telling me everything is ok.

Jeremy:                      I know but after closer examination, I’ve found that’s no longer the truth.

Mrs. Hunt:                  So what is the problem?

Jeremy:                      After much investigation I have discovered something of the gravest consequence.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Yes, but what have you discovered?

Jeremy:                      That the most serious of actions have been taken.

Mrs. Hunt:                  I understand that bit…but what has happened.

Jeremy:                      Papers have been handed to me that have identified INFIDELITY!

Mrs. Hunt:                  Infidelity? But I’ve always been faithful to you Jeremy.

Jeremy:                      SERIOUS infidelity.

MRs. Hunt:                But its not me? It can’t be. I love you and have never been unfaithful.

Jeremy:                      The source of this information has been very clear, its me.

Mrs. Hunt:                  You are the source?

Jeremy:                      No, I’m the one has been unfaithful.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Jeremy?

Jeremy:                      Let me finish. I have noticed that I’ve been spending a lot more time with my secretary and as such we have grown closer and closer.

Mrs. Hunt:                  I don’t believe it.

Jeremy:                      Closer and closer. And 2 years ago I was found to be having an affair with her.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Oh Jeremy, what have you done?

Jeremy:                      I don’t know. But what I do know it is unacceptable and need to change.

Mrs. Hunt:                  So you’ve ended the relationship with her then?

Jeremy:                      We don’t know what we can do to change the situation….

Mrs. Hunt:                  You could end the relationship with her?

Jeremy:                      …but I have a top set of advisors looking at what has happened and what we can do to improve the situation in the future.

Mrs. Hunt:                  So you haven’t ended the relationship?

Jeremy:                      These grave accusations have turned out to be true and no-one is more upset than me.

Mrs. Hunt:                  err… I might be.

Jeremy:                      No-one can understand the pain and hurt this is causing me and I look forward to discovering a solution to the in the future.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Jeremy! I can suggest a solution.

Jeremy:                      Once the full investigation into the solution has concluded I will approach this with the full and frank discussions that will be required with the cause of this or my name isn’t Jeremy Cu…

Mrs. Hunt:                  Hunt!

 

END

Tescxit – Newsjack Sketch Submission

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-38893887

Tesco Uses Out of Date Offers

Title – Tescxit

 

Teresa:                       Boris, how is the Brexit negotiating going?

Boris:                          Well, err, excellently! I’ve introduced a new negotiator.

Teresa:                       Are you sure that’s the best idea?

Boris:                          I’ve invited Jonathan Tesco, the head of marketing at Tesco, to lead the charge against Johnny Foreigner.

Teresa:                       Jonathan. Wonderful to meet you. Now what is your plan.

Jonathan:                  I’m proposing a 3-stage attack.

Step One: We need to see what has previously been offered to tempt the public in….

Boris:                          Like the £350million a week to the NHS?

Jonathan:                  Yes, just like that. And we need to advise the public it was an out-of-date offer and it shouldn’t have remained on the shelves, I mean, on the bus, at the time the public saw it.

Boris:                          What-Ho! Sounds like a great start!

Teresa:                       But what are the other 2 stages?

Jonathan:                  Step Two: We offer the countries of the European Union- Brexit ClubCard points. For every £1 million they spend in the UK, we give them a club card point. When they have 10,000 club card points they can get a free pizza from Pizza Express.

Teresa:                       I’m not sure that’s going to seal the deal with them.

Jonathan:                  That leads us to step three: We buy up all the poorly performing little countries across Europe, like Greece and Portugal, and rebrand them as United Kingdom Extras. Or for the slightly bigger countries, Like Ireland and Spain – United Kingdom Metros.

Teresa:                       I don’t follow.

Jonathan:                  Well, you know how it would be better for us to remain in Europe.

Teresa:                       Don’t say that word!

Jonathan:                  Europe?

Teresa:                       No, Remain!

Jonathan:                  Ok, so you know how it would be better for us to have a presence in Europe. This way we can Brexit however we want but still ensure we have the open channels of trade unhindered by those Brussels burocrats.

Teresa:                       This is perfect. We could get Rowan Atkinson to appear in the adverts. Or we could get Martin Clunes, no, Caroline Quentin.

Jonathan:                  The thing is, people will be so distracted by the lure of the Brexit ClubCard points that they just won’t notice that we are buying up the competing countries in Europe.

Teresa:                       If we can get one pound in every seven pounds spent in Europe…

Boris:                          Euros! If I know one thing about Europe, and to be very clear, I do only know one thing about Europe. So that that should be one pound in every seven EUROS spent in Europe.

Teresa:                       Shhhh! If we can get £1 in every €7 spent in Europe spent in a United Kingdom store then the United Kingdom will prosper.

Jonathan:                  Well actually it brings us onto the Secret Step 4.

Step 4: When we’ve bought up all the smaller countries we start to make deals between each of the United Kingdom stores, offering them favourable rates and such. But, to the neighbouring countries, when they try to go out to buy some Greek Olive Oil or maybe some Spanish Fly, they’ll realise the only shops available are United Kingdom stores where we’ve cleansed the products we sell BUT, and here is the kicker, they will have no option to buy lovely United Kingdom Lard or a overly thumbed copy of Razzle as all the countries own produce will cease to exist. What do you think?

Boris:                          Thumbed copy of Razzle you say!

Teresa:                       It might just work. But I do have one question, What will you do with all the data you get from the Brexit ClubCards? You’ll know how much people are spending, how much people are buying, what they are buying, what stores they visit, when they visit them, how long they visit, which products they prefer.

Jonathan:                  Well, the information will belong to Tesco and when countries sign up to it they do agree we can use, share and sell their data to other companies – so we’ve agreed to sell the data to America.

Teresa:                       Why sell the data to America?

Jonathan:                  They have offered to pay us considerable sums of money to find out everything about the public and as the saying goes, ‘Every Little Helps!’

END

 

NewsJack Submission 13 – Sketches

Another week, another set of rushed sketches.

I actually started looking at this on the Sunday but struggled to find news stories that jumped out at me. Based on my investigations last week I really needed to write a sketch about Trump or Brexit. Trump really bores me (or read that I’m not writing sketches up to the level that have been appearing on NewsJack), and Brexit has been done to death.

Last minute I saw a news article about Tesco falsly advertising offers. The gist of it was that some tesco stores leave up the shelf edge banners saying ‘2 for £1’ or whatever, long after the deal has actually finished. I thought this could be shoe-horned into a sketch about Brexit. My duo of Teresa and Boris (everyone loves an impression on NewsJack) make a come-back. I decided not to do any actual research on Brexit. I’m sure David Davis is doing the negotiating (not Boris) and I’ve no idea who the marketing guy at Tesco is, so I made up his name.

Tescxit

After the struggle of finding the first sketch, I thought I’d only submit one. I still struggled to find a second subject but then remembered Jeremy Hunt saying something about the NHS is in crisis. There had to be something there. With minutes to spare I decided that Jeremy Hunt was going to have to admit he has found out about infidelity in his relationship and call himself out during a discussion with his wife. I ran out of time completely and it isn’t finished but once again, fire and forget to the NewsJack team and they can read it and ignore as usual! 😀

What a Hunt!

I do struggle with writing sketches. I struggle with finding good stories. I struggle with re-positioning the story into a sketch. I struggle with writing jokes into a sketch. I stuggle with identifying who the characters should be. Finally I struggle with writing actually anything. I need to decide what to do about these. Do I keep writing? Do I attempt to re-write some sketches to see if I can actually write anything funny? Who knows? Who cares?

I did have an idea for one of the one-liners though. its more a ‘ViewsJack’ type so I doubt I’ll include it…

Cameroon breaks their internet to stop people complaining about the leaders. Virgin Media appear to be doing the same to me.

I’m not sure thats it as a joke yet, but its what I thought of.

Break Up MEANS Break Up – Newsjack Sketch Submission

Farage Marriage – First Interview With Press

Title – Breakup MEANS Breakup

 

Nigel:                          Here I am, with a pint and a fag. Now questions?

Reporter #1:              Nigel, is it true about you are separating from your wife?

Nigel:                          Now let me be clear. The people have spoken and they support what I have been trying to do for years! Break out of an unsuccessful relationship.

Reporter #2:              Is it true you are cosying up to a French MEP?

Nigel:                          Its not about what was gained in the past, but about the future. A stronger future. A better Future! A future where we can look to have a better relationship than the one we’ve enjoyed so far.

Reporter #1:              Do you think you can get a better relationship outside of the one you are in now?

Nigel:                          I’m a man, just like you. I got pressured into a relationship for 25 years and you just need to recognise when the relationship isn’t working. We can have stronger ties with Europe without being married to Europe.

Reporter #2:              Can you expand on your campaign slogan. “We send £350 a week to my german wife, why don’t we spend it on a French MEP instead?”

Nigel:                          As I explained to Andrew Marr….that is not something I would have said personally…..

Reporter #2:              (Interupting) it was written on the side of a bus.

Nigel:                          Please let me finish. As I was saying, that is not something I would have said personally and I think they whole campaign team are probably regretting it now.

Reporter #1:              What about your adverts….do you think the line of middle-aged ladies queueing up with the words ‘Breaking Point! Marriage has failed us all – we msut break free of the Marriage and take back control’ was in poor taste?

Nigel:                          No. I do not think it was in poor taste. And neither did the public which is why a majority of them supported this.

Reporter #2:              So what is your plan, going forwards?

Nigel:                          I’ve been very clear. Break-up MEANS Break-Up. And its going to be a Red, White and Blue Break-Up.

Reporter #1:              But what does than mean.

Nigel:                          It means I’m going to get the best deal for me.

Reporter #2:              What if the deal is worse than what you currently get?

Nigel:                          The people have spoken!

Reporter #2:              What if it is a worse deal?

Nigel:                          Then I will have to suffer.

Reporter #1:              But wont it be worse for everyone involved?

Nigel:                          But the people have spoken. Thanks very much! I’m going to collect my belongings now and hope that my European friends will let me stay with them for a few days. What do you mean they don’t trust me? My friend Donald said this would be fine…..

END

Pop Up Pop-Up – Newsjack Sketch Submission

Pop-Up Brothels appearing in Swindon

Title – The Pop Up Pop-Up

 

Sound FX/BED  – Café sounds in the background

Jocasta:                     Justin?

Justin:                                    Yes, Jocasta?

Jocasta:                     I’m loving our Pop-Up Pop-Tart Café.

Justin:                        I know! It is such a refreshing change from our Pop-Up Hob-Nob Café…Pop-Tarts have so much more variety that Hob-Nobs.

Jocasta:                     I thought a life serving only 2 choices of biscuits in a café would be fulfilling….how wrong I was.

Justin:                        But aren’t you getting a bit bored?

Jocasta:                     What do you mean?

Justin:                        Its just that I thought offering Pop-Tarts –  ‘Pop! They’re so hot, they’re cool!’ – in Swindon is exactly what this city needed. But it seems they are after something else.

Jocasta:                     Like a Penguin Café? We could have all the waiting staff in dinner suits. Or we could only serve those chocolate biscuits. Or we could only allow penguins as customers? Or have penguins in dinner suits serving chocolate biscuits.

Justin:                        I think the demand might be for something a little more ‘fruity’.

Jocasta:                     I get you….an Orange Café. Where we paint everything orange, serve only oranges and have staff only from TOWIE! That is niche!

Justin:                        Sorry….err… not ‘fruity’ as in fruit. Fruity as in ‘Saucy’

Jocasta:                     Like a ketchup café? I think that has also been done. We could have a brown sauce café. But the catch is, we only cut sandwiches using brown SAWS! It’s a winner!

Jocasta:                     That sounds excellent…but its not what the people of Swindon want. They have said they want ‘Racy’! They have said they want ‘Adult fun’! They have said they want ‘Night-time Naughtiness’!

Justin:                        Say no more! Racy! Adult! Night-Time! Naughtiness! We will open the first ever ‘Wimbledon Dog Track’ Themed Café! and, here is the kicker, All the staff dress as headmasters and no-one is allowed to mis-behave because it is just before lights-out time!

Jocasta:                     Another great idea. But I meant we should offer a sex pop-up.

Justin:                        Where everyone sits on hessian bags and the staff wears clothes made of hessian bags and the shop looks like a giant hessian bag. We could sell…

Jocasta:                     (interrupting) I get the idea

Justin:                        ….anything really….I hadn’t really thought this one through.

Jocasta:                     (frustrated) No. It’s a pop-up brothel! We start a Pop-Up brothel.

Justin:                        Where everyone is dressed like the pirate from Pop-Up Pirates? And instead of swords being stuck in a barrel people stick their…

Jocasta:                     (interrupting)  No! No pirates!

Justin:                        Well then, what is our USP (Unique Selling Point?). It can’t be a true pop-up unless it is unique. We’ll only cater to Gerontophiles?

Jocasta:                     Old people don’t have the disposable income.

Justin:                        Bibliophiles?

Jocasta:                     They don’t actually have sex with books!

Justin:                        Ok! Got it! We’ll only employ Mexicans called Pedro! We could call it Pedrofiles!

Jocasta:                     That might attract the wrong attention.

Justin:                        We’ll employee people’s previous boyfriends/girlfriends…and call it the ‘Ex-Files’?

Jocasta:                     Now you are thinking but we want more Niche.

Justin:                        Lever-Arch Files? We will open a sex-pop-up which allows people to use a mixture of fulcrum points and long sticks to engage in the sexy-time. And we’ll open it under a train line.

Jocasta:                     Nearly…but not quite.

Justin:                                    Well what are you thinking?

Jocasta:                     We’ll call it ‘Real Life’.

Justin:                                    And the Uniqueness will be?

Jocasta:                     People pay £150, they get to choose any one of our dis-interested employees. They watch a Sky Plussed episode of Coronation Street, and when the show is over, the employee goes to bed while the customer knocks one out over 5 minutes of BabeStation Freeview.

Justin:                        But I can do that at home for free?

Jocasta:                     That’s the beauty of these Pop-Up shops….we’ll never be short of gullible people. Now who is next for a strawberry Pop-Tart? That will be £25 please.

END