Category: Sketch

All My Sketches In One Place

I thought I’d do a quick post putting all my sketches in one place for ease of reading.

21/09/15 – Explaining Stonehenge Purchase to Wife
07/03/16 – Syrian Business Process Improvement (BPI)
12/09/16 – Oh Glorious Nation of North Korea
12/09/16 – NHS Outta Time
31/01/17 – Baby FitBit
31/01/17 – Donald Petition
07/02/17- The Pop-Up Pop-Up
07/02/17 – Break Up Means Break Up
13/02/17 – Tescxit
13/02/17 – What a Hunt!
20/02/17 – Welcome to Brexit King

I will keep this updated and add stuff to it as I write.

Welcome to Brexit King – NewsJack Sketch Submission

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/feb/20/divide-and-rule-tactics-could-leave-uk-without-deal-say-eu-politicians

EU Brexit Dealings Could Lead to UK not getting the Deal it wants

Title – Welcome to Brexit King

(Teresa May & Boris Johnson are in a car going to order food from a drive-thru)

 

Brexit Burger:            Welcome to Brexit King. Can I take your order please?

Teresa:                       Errrr.. I never feel comfortable with these things.

Brexit Burger:            Hi! Welcome to Brexit King. Can I take your order please?

Teresa:                       I’d like a Hard Brexit please,with an extra side of financial institution HQs. (whispers) Boris what do you want?

Boris   :                       I’ll have the same please, but make sure you hold the refugees.

Teresa:                       So that’s two Hard Brexits, with the HQ Sides but ONE with no refugees….actually better make them both like that.

Brexit Burger:            And what would you like to drink?

Teresa:                       I’d love a Chablis!

Brexit Burger:            Sorry, that’s no longer included when you order a hard Brexit.

Teresa:                       Champagne?

Brexit Burger:            Sorry, that’s no longer included when you order a hard Brexit.

Boris   :                       (from back of the car) How about some Sangria!

Teresa:                       Ok, I’ll ask. Can we get two Sangrias?

Brexit Burger:            I’m sorry, that also is no longer included when you order a hard Brexit.

Teresa:                       What if we swap them for a Red, White and Blue Brexit?

Brexit Burger:            So you want to swap your 2 Hard Brexits for 2 French Brexits?

Teresa:                       No! No! No! I mean a ‘Best of British Brexit’.

Brexit Burger:            There is no such thing as that.

Teresa:                       Lets stay with the two Hard Brexits, with sides of Financial Insitution HQ’s and hold the refugees. What drinks can we have with them?

Brexit Burger:            If you order the meal deal you can have anything drink from the Full Hard Brexit Meal Deal.

Teresa:                       And what options are those?

Brexit Burger:            You can have a warm pint of Newcastle Brown Ale, a London Gin, or we can offer you some Irn Bru.

Boris:                          Iru Bru! Irn Bru! (Scottish Accent) Its made frum Gurders!

Teresa:                       Two Iru Bru then.

Brexit Burger:            Oh! I’m sorry. I’ve just seen that Iru Bru is no longer planning to be part of the Full Hard Brexit meal deal.

Teresa:                       Two gins then. Can we get one with coke and one with orange juice.

Brexit Burger:            The gins on the Full hard Brexit Meal Deal don’t come with mixers – we can’t allow anything to dilute the taste of a full hard Brexit.

Teresa:                       We’ll take them straight. We don’t mind a bit of tough medicine.

Brexit Burger:            Let me confirm your orders. I’ve got two Full Hard Brexit Meal Deals, with sides of Financial Institution HQs, both with no refugees but with some straight Gin. Now do you want a desert?

Teresa:                       Yes. We’d like to both have our cake and eat it.

Brexit Burger:            I’m not sure that’s possible with the Full Hard Brexit Meal Deals. I will need to check with my manager. Oi! Monsieur Barnier! Monsieur Barnier!

Michel Barnier:         Oui?

Brexit Burger:            Ils veulent avoir leur gâteau et le manger. C’est possible avec le Full Hard Brexit Meal Deal?

Michel Barnier:         HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Brexit Burger:            Monsuier Barnier?

Michel Barnier:         hahahaha (stops laughing) – Non. Les imbéciles.

Brexit Burger:            Sorry. The Full Hard Brexit Meal Deal isn’t available with a ‘Eat Cake and Have it’ dessert. We have got some humble pie you could have?

Teresa:                       Do you recommend that?

Brexit Burger:            Not really, it tends to leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Teresa:                       Ok. Lets just stick with what we have.

Brexit Burger:            So the total comes to £66 billion.

Teresa:                       Boris, can you pass me that £350 million a week we’ve been saving.

Boris:                          Gosh! I didn’t expect you to actually want it.

Teresa:                       Have you spent it?

Boris:                          I can’t lie to you Teresa, it never really existed.

Teresa:                       But I’ve promised people a full hard Brexit! How will I pay for it?

Trump:                        Hello pretty lady, do you need a hand? It’s a full sized adult hand and certainly not small like a tiny child’s.

Teresa:                       Not where you are thinking, Donald, I’m not that kinda girl!

 

END

Submission 14 – NewsJack – Sketches

Here we go again. Another week and nothing written until 2 hours before the deadline. Nothing I’ve written so far (as a sketch) has got anywhere near broadcast so I’ve lost a little a faith in the process.

Trawling the news websites today nothing really jumped out so I had a think about some of the other sketches that have been broadcast and they all seem to follow a similar pattern and only 1 or 2 of them actually could be said to be about a unique news story. For this reason I decided to just write a Brexit sketch (What? Another one of them with the millions of other submissions they will receieve) and I would then find a  Brexit news article to shoe-horn it against.

The theme of the sketch was to be ‘Brexit as a Burger King request’ with an idea of ‘have it your way, with BK’ structure. As usual it contains Teresa May and Boris Johnson. There is a guest appearance from Michel Barnier to mix it up a little. I decided to make him speak french. I thought it was a good touch and something to make the french speakers chuckle and people who don’t speak french will still get the joke.

Finally, another crappy ending to sketch. The NewsJack editorial team always suggest having your ended sorted first and then build to it but I never do and as such my sketches don’t finish well. Maybe it will impress someone in the writers team? Who knows? Who cares?

With no further ado (sorry for all the additional ‘ado’ I’ve prefaced this with).

Welcome To Brexit King

What a Hunt – NewsJack Sketch Submission

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-38926697

Jeremy Hunt says NHS is unacceptable.

Title – What a Hunt

 

Jeremy:                      darling. I have something to tell you.

Mrs hunt:                   what is it, my love.

Donald:                      I’ve recently found something out and I feel it is only right to tell you I know.

Advisor 2:                  I don’t understand?

Donald:                      Sit down.

Advisor 1:                  I’m sat down.

Donald:                      It has come to my attention that there is an issue with our relationship.

Mrs. Hunt:                  But you’ve been telling me everything is ok.

Jeremy:                      I know but after closer examination, I’ve found that’s no longer the truth.

Mrs. Hunt:                  So what is the problem?

Jeremy:                      After much investigation I have discovered something of the gravest consequence.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Yes, but what have you discovered?

Jeremy:                      That the most serious of actions have been taken.

Mrs. Hunt:                  I understand that bit…but what has happened.

Jeremy:                      Papers have been handed to me that have identified INFIDELITY!

Mrs. Hunt:                  Infidelity? But I’ve always been faithful to you Jeremy.

Jeremy:                      SERIOUS infidelity.

MRs. Hunt:                But its not me? It can’t be. I love you and have never been unfaithful.

Jeremy:                      The source of this information has been very clear, its me.

Mrs. Hunt:                  You are the source?

Jeremy:                      No, I’m the one has been unfaithful.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Jeremy?

Jeremy:                      Let me finish. I have noticed that I’ve been spending a lot more time with my secretary and as such we have grown closer and closer.

Mrs. Hunt:                  I don’t believe it.

Jeremy:                      Closer and closer. And 2 years ago I was found to be having an affair with her.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Oh Jeremy, what have you done?

Jeremy:                      I don’t know. But what I do know it is unacceptable and need to change.

Mrs. Hunt:                  So you’ve ended the relationship with her then?

Jeremy:                      We don’t know what we can do to change the situation….

Mrs. Hunt:                  You could end the relationship with her?

Jeremy:                      …but I have a top set of advisors looking at what has happened and what we can do to improve the situation in the future.

Mrs. Hunt:                  So you haven’t ended the relationship?

Jeremy:                      These grave accusations have turned out to be true and no-one is more upset than me.

Mrs. Hunt:                  err… I might be.

Jeremy:                      No-one can understand the pain and hurt this is causing me and I look forward to discovering a solution to the in the future.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Jeremy! I can suggest a solution.

Jeremy:                      Once the full investigation into the solution has concluded I will approach this with the full and frank discussions that will be required with the cause of this or my name isn’t Jeremy Cu…

Mrs. Hunt:                  Hunt!

 

END

Tescxit – Newsjack Sketch Submission

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-38893887

Tesco Uses Out of Date Offers

Title – Tescxit

 

Teresa:                       Boris, how is the Brexit negotiating going?

Boris:                          Well, err, excellently! I’ve introduced a new negotiator.

Teresa:                       Are you sure that’s the best idea?

Boris:                          I’ve invited Jonathan Tesco, the head of marketing at Tesco, to lead the charge against Johnny Foreigner.

Teresa:                       Jonathan. Wonderful to meet you. Now what is your plan.

Jonathan:                  I’m proposing a 3-stage attack.

Step One: We need to see what has previously been offered to tempt the public in….

Boris:                          Like the £350million a week to the NHS?

Jonathan:                  Yes, just like that. And we need to advise the public it was an out-of-date offer and it shouldn’t have remained on the shelves, I mean, on the bus, at the time the public saw it.

Boris:                          What-Ho! Sounds like a great start!

Teresa:                       But what are the other 2 stages?

Jonathan:                  Step Two: We offer the countries of the European Union- Brexit ClubCard points. For every £1 million they spend in the UK, we give them a club card point. When they have 10,000 club card points they can get a free pizza from Pizza Express.

Teresa:                       I’m not sure that’s going to seal the deal with them.

Jonathan:                  That leads us to step three: We buy up all the poorly performing little countries across Europe, like Greece and Portugal, and rebrand them as United Kingdom Extras. Or for the slightly bigger countries, Like Ireland and Spain – United Kingdom Metros.

Teresa:                       I don’t follow.

Jonathan:                  Well, you know how it would be better for us to remain in Europe.

Teresa:                       Don’t say that word!

Jonathan:                  Europe?

Teresa:                       No, Remain!

Jonathan:                  Ok, so you know how it would be better for us to have a presence in Europe. This way we can Brexit however we want but still ensure we have the open channels of trade unhindered by those Brussels burocrats.

Teresa:                       This is perfect. We could get Rowan Atkinson to appear in the adverts. Or we could get Martin Clunes, no, Caroline Quentin.

Jonathan:                  The thing is, people will be so distracted by the lure of the Brexit ClubCard points that they just won’t notice that we are buying up the competing countries in Europe.

Teresa:                       If we can get one pound in every seven pounds spent in Europe…

Boris:                          Euros! If I know one thing about Europe, and to be very clear, I do only know one thing about Europe. So that that should be one pound in every seven EUROS spent in Europe.

Teresa:                       Shhhh! If we can get £1 in every €7 spent in Europe spent in a United Kingdom store then the United Kingdom will prosper.

Jonathan:                  Well actually it brings us onto the Secret Step 4.

Step 4: When we’ve bought up all the smaller countries we start to make deals between each of the United Kingdom stores, offering them favourable rates and such. But, to the neighbouring countries, when they try to go out to buy some Greek Olive Oil or maybe some Spanish Fly, they’ll realise the only shops available are United Kingdom stores where we’ve cleansed the products we sell BUT, and here is the kicker, they will have no option to buy lovely United Kingdom Lard or a overly thumbed copy of Razzle as all the countries own produce will cease to exist. What do you think?

Boris:                          Thumbed copy of Razzle you say!

Teresa:                       It might just work. But I do have one question, What will you do with all the data you get from the Brexit ClubCards? You’ll know how much people are spending, how much people are buying, what they are buying, what stores they visit, when they visit them, how long they visit, which products they prefer.

Jonathan:                  Well, the information will belong to Tesco and when countries sign up to it they do agree we can use, share and sell their data to other companies – so we’ve agreed to sell the data to America.

Teresa:                       Why sell the data to America?

Jonathan:                  They have offered to pay us considerable sums of money to find out everything about the public and as the saying goes, ‘Every Little Helps!’

END

 

NewsJack Submission 13 – Sketches

Another week, another set of rushed sketches.

I actually started looking at this on the Sunday but struggled to find news stories that jumped out at me. Based on my investigations last week I really needed to write a sketch about Trump or Brexit. Trump really bores me (or read that I’m not writing sketches up to the level that have been appearing on NewsJack), and Brexit has been done to death.

Last minute I saw a news article about Tesco falsly advertising offers. The gist of it was that some tesco stores leave up the shelf edge banners saying ‘2 for £1’ or whatever, long after the deal has actually finished. I thought this could be shoe-horned into a sketch about Brexit. My duo of Teresa and Boris (everyone loves an impression on NewsJack) make a come-back. I decided not to do any actual research on Brexit. I’m sure David Davis is doing the negotiating (not Boris) and I’ve no idea who the marketing guy at Tesco is, so I made up his name.

Tescxit

After the struggle of finding the first sketch, I thought I’d only submit one. I still struggled to find a second subject but then remembered Jeremy Hunt saying something about the NHS is in crisis. There had to be something there. With minutes to spare I decided that Jeremy Hunt was going to have to admit he has found out about infidelity in his relationship and call himself out during a discussion with his wife. I ran out of time completely and it isn’t finished but once again, fire and forget to the NewsJack team and they can read it and ignore as usual! 😀

What a Hunt!

I do struggle with writing sketches. I struggle with finding good stories. I struggle with re-positioning the story into a sketch. I struggle with writing jokes into a sketch. I stuggle with identifying who the characters should be. Finally I struggle with writing actually anything. I need to decide what to do about these. Do I keep writing? Do I attempt to re-write some sketches to see if I can actually write anything funny? Who knows? Who cares?

I did have an idea for one of the one-liners though. its more a ‘ViewsJack’ type so I doubt I’ll include it…

Cameroon breaks their internet to stop people complaining about the leaders. Virgin Media appear to be doing the same to me.

I’m not sure thats it as a joke yet, but its what I thought of.

Break Up MEANS Break Up – Newsjack Sketch Submission

Farage Marriage – First Interview With Press

Title – Breakup MEANS Breakup

 

Nigel:                          Here I am, with a pint and a fag. Now questions?

Reporter #1:              Nigel, is it true about you are separating from your wife?

Nigel:                          Now let me be clear. The people have spoken and they support what I have been trying to do for years! Break out of an unsuccessful relationship.

Reporter #2:              Is it true you are cosying up to a French MEP?

Nigel:                          Its not about what was gained in the past, but about the future. A stronger future. A better Future! A future where we can look to have a better relationship than the one we’ve enjoyed so far.

Reporter #1:              Do you think you can get a better relationship outside of the one you are in now?

Nigel:                          I’m a man, just like you. I got pressured into a relationship for 25 years and you just need to recognise when the relationship isn’t working. We can have stronger ties with Europe without being married to Europe.

Reporter #2:              Can you expand on your campaign slogan. “We send £350 a week to my german wife, why don’t we spend it on a French MEP instead?”

Nigel:                          As I explained to Andrew Marr….that is not something I would have said personally…..

Reporter #2:              (Interupting) it was written on the side of a bus.

Nigel:                          Please let me finish. As I was saying, that is not something I would have said personally and I think they whole campaign team are probably regretting it now.

Reporter #1:              What about your adverts….do you think the line of middle-aged ladies queueing up with the words ‘Breaking Point! Marriage has failed us all – we msut break free of the Marriage and take back control’ was in poor taste?

Nigel:                          No. I do not think it was in poor taste. And neither did the public which is why a majority of them supported this.

Reporter #2:              So what is your plan, going forwards?

Nigel:                          I’ve been very clear. Break-up MEANS Break-Up. And its going to be a Red, White and Blue Break-Up.

Reporter #1:              But what does than mean.

Nigel:                          It means I’m going to get the best deal for me.

Reporter #2:              What if the deal is worse than what you currently get?

Nigel:                          The people have spoken!

Reporter #2:              What if it is a worse deal?

Nigel:                          Then I will have to suffer.

Reporter #1:              But wont it be worse for everyone involved?

Nigel:                          But the people have spoken. Thanks very much! I’m going to collect my belongings now and hope that my European friends will let me stay with them for a few days. What do you mean they don’t trust me? My friend Donald said this would be fine…..

END

Pop Up Pop-Up – Newsjack Sketch Submission

Pop-Up Brothels appearing in Swindon

Title – The Pop Up Pop-Up

 

Sound FX/BED  – Café sounds in the background

Jocasta:                     Justin?

Justin:                                    Yes, Jocasta?

Jocasta:                     I’m loving our Pop-Up Pop-Tart Café.

Justin:                        I know! It is such a refreshing change from our Pop-Up Hob-Nob Café…Pop-Tarts have so much more variety that Hob-Nobs.

Jocasta:                     I thought a life serving only 2 choices of biscuits in a café would be fulfilling….how wrong I was.

Justin:                        But aren’t you getting a bit bored?

Jocasta:                     What do you mean?

Justin:                        Its just that I thought offering Pop-Tarts –  ‘Pop! They’re so hot, they’re cool!’ – in Swindon is exactly what this city needed. But it seems they are after something else.

Jocasta:                     Like a Penguin Café? We could have all the waiting staff in dinner suits. Or we could only serve those chocolate biscuits. Or we could only allow penguins as customers? Or have penguins in dinner suits serving chocolate biscuits.

Justin:                        I think the demand might be for something a little more ‘fruity’.

Jocasta:                     I get you….an Orange Café. Where we paint everything orange, serve only oranges and have staff only from TOWIE! That is niche!

Justin:                        Sorry….err… not ‘fruity’ as in fruit. Fruity as in ‘Saucy’

Jocasta:                     Like a ketchup café? I think that has also been done. We could have a brown sauce café. But the catch is, we only cut sandwiches using brown SAWS! It’s a winner!

Jocasta:                     That sounds excellent…but its not what the people of Swindon want. They have said they want ‘Racy’! They have said they want ‘Adult fun’! They have said they want ‘Night-time Naughtiness’!

Justin:                        Say no more! Racy! Adult! Night-Time! Naughtiness! We will open the first ever ‘Wimbledon Dog Track’ Themed Café! and, here is the kicker, All the staff dress as headmasters and no-one is allowed to mis-behave because it is just before lights-out time!

Jocasta:                     Another great idea. But I meant we should offer a sex pop-up.

Justin:                        Where everyone sits on hessian bags and the staff wears clothes made of hessian bags and the shop looks like a giant hessian bag. We could sell…

Jocasta:                     (interrupting) I get the idea

Justin:                        ….anything really….I hadn’t really thought this one through.

Jocasta:                     (frustrated) No. It’s a pop-up brothel! We start a Pop-Up brothel.

Justin:                        Where everyone is dressed like the pirate from Pop-Up Pirates? And instead of swords being stuck in a barrel people stick their…

Jocasta:                     (interrupting)  No! No pirates!

Justin:                        Well then, what is our USP (Unique Selling Point?). It can’t be a true pop-up unless it is unique. We’ll only cater to Gerontophiles?

Jocasta:                     Old people don’t have the disposable income.

Justin:                        Bibliophiles?

Jocasta:                     They don’t actually have sex with books!

Justin:                        Ok! Got it! We’ll only employ Mexicans called Pedro! We could call it Pedrofiles!

Jocasta:                     That might attract the wrong attention.

Justin:                        We’ll employee people’s previous boyfriends/girlfriends…and call it the ‘Ex-Files’?

Jocasta:                     Now you are thinking but we want more Niche.

Justin:                        Lever-Arch Files? We will open a sex-pop-up which allows people to use a mixture of fulcrum points and long sticks to engage in the sexy-time. And we’ll open it under a train line.

Jocasta:                     Nearly…but not quite.

Justin:                                    Well what are you thinking?

Jocasta:                     We’ll call it ‘Real Life’.

Justin:                                    And the Uniqueness will be?

Jocasta:                     People pay £150, they get to choose any one of our dis-interested employees. They watch a Sky Plussed episode of Coronation Street, and when the show is over, the employee goes to bed while the customer knocks one out over 5 minutes of BabeStation Freeview.

Justin:                        But I can do that at home for free?

Jocasta:                     That’s the beauty of these Pop-Up shops….we’ll never be short of gullible people. Now who is next for a strawberry Pop-Tart? That will be £25 please.

END

NewsJack Submission 12 – Sketches

Due to work I wasn’t sure I’d get a sketch over. After a meeting was cancelled I had 30 minutes before the 12 deadline. In the words of Glenn Frey – The Heat is On!

I’d not managed to do any prep or looked for funny news-stories but I thought i would risk it for a biscuit and submit a sketch. What is the worst they could do, not broadcast it?

Time goes by so quickly when you are trying to find a story. You have to balance the searching time with the time to write something. 30 minutes isn’t long enough to write a good sketch but it is long enough to write something, IF there is something that jumps out at me as a subject.

Something caught my eye – there were 30 new brothels appearing a week in Swindon. The article referred to them as ‘Pop-Up’ brothels…and that got my mind going towards ‘pop-up’ café…..so meet Justin and Jacasta who are looking to move into a new ‘Pop-Up’ Market.

Pop Up Pop-UP

Now I had 10 minutes before submission time. I’d found AND written something in 20 minutes. So I’d be submitting 1 sketch this week. Certainly better than no sketch….but I’ve got 10 minutes left. I’ll just have a peek at The Telegraph website….whats this? Farage’s wife has said they have lived seperate lives for a number of years. Farage could be leaving his wife. I imagine leaving your wife is a lot like leaving Europe….and with  minutes to go….

Break-Up MEANS Break-Up!

A lot like sex in a refuse centre, they are quick and dirty and I’m not sure either of the two people involved (me – writing & producers – reading) will get any sort of satisfaction.

I’d much prefer to concentrate better on the sketches and that probably means I will have to write stuff on the weekend. It causes problems for them not being ‘current’ but they can be fine-tuned by me a lot more. The sketches I’m currently submitting as all fire and forget – I write them and I send them. They get a few read-throughs by me for spelling mistakes and the such but ultimately they don’t get a re-write. Maybe that needs to change? Is Newsjack the best way to decide this? Its not like you get any feedback except ‘you are in the show’ if you are lucky. I don’t know. I do tend to think about these things too much.

The Farage Sketch needed much more time and ended at 12 as I had to submit it rather than when I’d finished the sketch. I’m going with the ‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take – Wayne Gretzky – Michael Scott’ school of thought and just submitting it anyway. Maybe they will like the idea and the staff writers will improve on it? Or maybe it will be completey ignored as unfinished? I don’t know….but I will find out Thursday Night.

 

Donald Petition – Newsjack Sketch Submission

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-38795998

Downing Street ignore petition to ban trump due to it being a ‘populist gesture’

 

Intro:                                   With the Petition and March against Donald Trump’s visit to the UK, Theresa May is desperate to show strong leadership at a time when she is being called into question so she contacts her polical allies to see if they can help.

Theresa:                    Does anyone have any hand santisiter? He touched my hand.

Boris:                          Cripes! Just be glad that’s ALL he touched.

Amber:                       So what are we going to do about this petition? Over 1 million people have requested we stop his state visit.

Theresa:                    We can’t do that! It would be signalling that we bow to any popullist gesture.

Amber:                       But didn’t we do just that in calling for the referendum? And then again when we won it?

Theresa:                    No, that was completely different. Brexit means Brexit, I’ve been very clear on that.

Amber:                       So what do we tell people? He has that golf course up in Scotland, maybe you can ask Nicola if she can help?

Theresa:                    Good Idea.

FX: Phone pick up/Dialing/Ringing

Nicola:                        Hello.

Theresa:                    Och-Aye the Noo to you too, Nicola. I need a favour.

Nicola:                        You only call me on my cell phone..

Theresa:                    Pardon?

Nicola:                        When you need my Love…..

Theresa:                    (confused) Donald is coming over to the UK and I need you to take him out and show him the town up in Scotchlandshire.

Nicola:                        Really? He gets a little handsy. By that I mean he likes touching with his tiny wee hands. And by that I mean his hands are tiny and also covered in ….

Theresa:                    (interupting) I understand. Now can you distract him with windfarms or something.

Nicola:                        Of course. But I will need a favour from you?

Theresa:                    (frustrating) What do you want?

Nicola:                        A second scottinsh referendum!

Theresa:                    Not now, Nicola.

Nicola:                        You may take our land but you’ll never take our FREEEEEDOM!

FX – SLAM PHONE DOWN

Theresa:                    So Nicola is no help. Anyone got any other ideas?

Boris:                          Well Chaps, I can think of someone who could help us here. He has been out of the lime-light for a while and I know him and Trump get on like a house on fire. Let me go get him.

FX – runs off/Runs back sound

Nigel:                          I’m just a normal bloke like you. I like pubs, fags and beer. And not Foreigners.

Boris:                          What-Ho Nigel! Bozza needs a favour. As the Foreign Secretary I need you to handle Trump and have him re-arrange his trip to the UK.

Nigel:                          I’m just a normal bloke like him. I like walls, no healthcare and definitely denying climate change. Let me give him a call and see what I can do.

FX: Phone pick up/Dialing/Ringing

Trump:                        I’m like the greatest on the phone.

FX: pickup

Trump:                        See, I knew that. I’m on the phone now. No-one has been better on the phone than me.

Nigel:                          Don, its Nige. I’m just a normal bloke like you.

Trump:                        Nigel. I knew that! You are speaking to The Donald. That’s me, by the way.

Nigel:                          The Donald. I need to come visit you.

Trump:                        Excellent. I’m the best at being visited. But now is bad, so very bad. Its like the worst time to visit me as I’ll be in the United Kingdom of England and my scotish golf course.

Nigel:                          So I’ve heard, but I’m not sure you are aware of something.

Trump:                        The Donald is aware of everything. I’m like the president of being aware. No-one is more aware of things than me.

Nigel:                          Then you would have heard that ….errr…the uk is currently being over-run by …eerrrrrr…. Sylvanian Families.

Trump:                        Of course I had. Sylvanian Families. Coming over there and radicalising your kids!

Nigel:                          I know. Parents all over the countries are being asked to PAY to get more of them into their homes.

Trump:                        You should build a wall!

Nigel:                          Anyway, I just don’t think it is safe for the Donald at the moment.

Trump:                        The Donald might be affected?

Nigel:                          The Donald’s kids might be affected.

Trump:                        That makes The Donald sad. And no-one is more sadder than the Donald.

Nigel:                          So you’ll stay there and I’ll come visit you?

Trump:                        Sure! Other people have said they will stay, but The Donald will deliver on his commitment to stay here.

Nigel:                          Thanks The Donald. See you soon.

FX – Phone hang up.

Nigel:                          All done Theresa, now lets talk about that cabinet role you promised me

Therea:                      Shhhhh Nigel, that’s our little secret…

FX – Jet Plan Landing Sound

Trump:                        I have arrived! I’m the best at arriving. No-one is better arriving than me.

Nigel:                          Errr…The Donald. I thought I was visiting you.

Trump:                        You are. Me being here is just an Alternative Fact.Its sure is cold in the UK. The Donald is oh so cold. I’m like the best at being cold. Can anyone make my gloves smaller so they fit on my hands? Probably best you wash them first.

END