Category: One – Liners

TV Submission – UNSPUN

I saw this come up in my Twitter Feed;-

SUBMISSIONS BRIEF
We are making a pilot for a new satire show for BBC Two called Unspun. It will be a mix of political guests, jokes and special features. We’re looking for people to join us making the show; creating content, writing material and coming up with ideas for show features. If that sounds like the kind of thing you’re into then we’d like to hear from you. If you are a writer or writer/performer then we’d like you to get involved. There are opportunities for both writers and performers on the show. If you’d like to be considered then please send us the following two things: 1. A side of A4 topical writing which gives us a flavour of your writing style, personality, interest in politics and popular culture.

This is completely open to your interpretation so long as it’s topical, we don’t mind what form you use. We are looking for both strong humour and an understanding of how to structure your bits so please do make whatever you do have shape. 2. Two ideas that you think would fit well in this satire based show.

These would be a self-contained section that would occur in every episode across a series. The best versions of these are original and most importantly, simple. In tone these ideas can be as ‘straight’ or as silly as you like. It’s up to you.

We are not interested in previous work, experience, or any of that: These are blind submissions We are looking for the people who best fit this show so it’s important we get a feel for your style. Don’t try to second-guess what tone this show will be; make things in your voice. Please send your submissions to [email address removed] by the closing date of January 31, 2016.

Please write – UNSPUN – OPEN SUBMISSION ENTRY – in the subject line of the email. For the avoidance of doubt, submission will not alter or effect your ownership of the rights in your own work in any way.

Political/Topical humour? Thats my bag! I decided to throw something together for it. I had some stuff from the week’s comedy course homework which I chopped/changed a little. The second part of the request was idea for what they could include in the show.

Its possible that this was just a ‘fishing’ exercise so they can steal ideas and not pay actual writers but I submitted a page of jokes and the two suggestions.

Two Ideas that I think would fit well in this satire based show.

1) “That its all just a little bit of history repeating” – introduced with ‘History Repeating – Shirley Bassey’. This is a comedy news section that focuses on a story that either;

  1. Wont go away (Alexander Litvinenko)
  2. Is something we’ve seen before (Gulf War/Corrupt MPs)
  3. Something we (as a nation) haven’t learnt from. (Fat children exercising less)

2) “Don’t politicians say the funniest things!” – A parody of the voice-over shows with kids/animals/etc doing silly stuff. It could use bad interviews from TV, clips from Question Time or Prime Minister’s Questions. A good excuse to find older clips of MPs saying things that perhaps they shouldn’t have or even just pointing out how they have broken their own promises. Voice Over could be very sarcastic Harry Hill style or more formulaic US TV version with over-the-top sound effects.

The jokes I went with were these;-

Google Tax.

Next year the Oxford English Dictionary will update ‘google’ as a verb as follows;-

  1. To search for a word or phrase on the internet
  2. To make payment of money/gift by which the receiver will be placated at little/no cost to giver.

As in – It’s my mum’s birthday next week. I have googled her some flowers through Groupon, now I don’t need to worry about her for another year.

Or – Jenny was pissed at me for coming home drunk, luckily I googled some flowers from a lamp-post at the T-junction and all was good.

Perhaps – Google had 10 years of unpaid taxes. They offered George Osborne a ‘google’ in private and now it’s no longer a problem. At lease their legal bills for the agreement have been covered by Jimmy Carr and Gary Barlow who are just happy that they are not the main focus of any UK based, dodgy tax stories in the press.

Not Corrupt Malaysian PM

The Malaysian PM got a gift of nearly £500million from the Saudi royal family. He has been cleared of any corruption but for some reason has paid it all back. If the UK expenses scandal taught us one thing, it is that innocent politicians always pay back legitimate money. But for some reason only if they are found out.

Missing £33m Lottery Ticket

A woman from Ambleside has tried to get The Lottery to pay her the £33million. She said, “Not once have I said I have the winning ticket…. The ticket did have the winning numbers on it. Camelot will do the checks…” That is DEFINITELY the words of a trustworthy person. However her husband said, “I’m hoping and praying she’s the winner. We never divorced so technically I could put a claim in for half.” Essentially what we are looking at is a dress-rehearsal of the Jeremy Kyle show being played out in the media.

400 other people have come forward claiming they had the winning ticket. They have also said they can turn lead into gold, have found the end of a rainbow where a leprechaun has left his pot of gold and only work once a year because they are actually Father Christmas. … I’m joking. They don’t even work once a year.

With people like this maybe winning, I just wished it was another old couple from Scotland, where he is a postman, she works for the council. Neither of them will give up work and their biggest dream is replacing their 15 year old ford focus with a brand new …. ford focus. Scottish people. Their biggest dream is buying a brand new boring car….and their son kicking his addiction to heroin. “Och-Aye We’ll buy you a quad bike, Dougal…you just have to get off the skag. Just get clean, Dougal!”

Britain Leaving the EU

Tony Blair says Scotland will leave the UK if Britain voted to leave the EU. I trust Tony Blair so little, that if he said “Bears shit in a wood”, I’d go straight to a car-park to watch some bears shit.

News Study shows teenagers watch more online video than broadcast TV

Unfortunately half of the research was found to be couldn’t be followed up as when they attempted to access the teenage boys internet history they found it mysteriously empty.

2 Extra Jokes

A grandmother of 13 has been jailed after stuffing £1500 worth of cocaine in her vagina. She was trying to get off her tits but a spokesperson for the gran has said she is now regretting getting cunted.

5 Sperm Whales have washed up on British beaches this week. It may sound like a lot but I doubt the sea will taste any less salty.

NewsJack Submission 13 – 10 – 15

This was my NewsJack submission for the 13th October, 2015

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. PLAYBOY IS TO DROP PICTURES OF NAKED WOMEN FROM ITS MAGAZINE. IN UNRELATED NEWS, MILLIONS OF MEN WHO BUY IT ‘JUST FOR THE CAR FEATURES’ HAVE SUDDENLY CANCELLED THEIR SUBSCRIPTIONS.
  2. LEAKED GOVERNMENT REPORTS SAY THAT LEGALISING CANABIS WOULD GENERATE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF POUNDS IN TAX. THIS WOULD BE A NEW ‘MUNCHIE’ TAX ON ANY SNACK FOOD PURCHASED FROM A CORNER SHOP AFTER 11PM.
  3. FACEBOOK PAID LESS THAN £5,000 IN TAX LAST YEAR. AMAZON, STARBUCKS, AND GOOGLE ‘LIKE’ THIS.

VIEWJACK:

  1. I DON’T CARE THAT HOVERBOARDS HAVE BEEN MADE ILLEGAL. IN THE SAME WAY I’M NOT GIVING UP MY TIME TRAVELLING DELORIAN.
  2. IT COST £12 MILLION TO WATCH JULIAN ASSANGE FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS. BUT WHEN I HIDE IN A TREE AND WATCH JANET FROM ACCOUNTS, I GET FINED AND HAVE TO PAY HER MONEY – WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?
  3. ALL THIS TALK ABOUT AN ‘IN/OUT’ REFERENDUM ON EUROPE. I VOTE ‘OUT’ AND THINK WE SHOULD BE PART OF THE BAHAMAS AS THEY HAVE BETTER WEATHER.

Breaking News #3 seems a bit ‘yawn’ now. I thought it would fit the format of the show well but I wasn’t really happy with it. I thought Breaking News #1 was go though. ViewJack #1 was about the fact hoverboards don’t exist, but I think the punchline (re-reading it) just help make that leap at all. I think ViewJack #2 could be better.

  • IT COST £12 MILLION TO WATCH JULIAN ASSANGE FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS. BUT WHEN I HIDE IN A TREE AND WATCH JANET FROM ACCOUNTS, THE POLICE ARREST ME, TAKE ME TO COURT AND I HAVE TO PAY HER MONEY – WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?

its only a small change, but I think it makes it sound better.

ViewJack #3 is one that doesn’t sound right.

  • ALL THIS TALK ABOUT AN ‘IN/OUT’ REFERENDUM ON EUROPE. I VOTE ‘OUT’ AND THINK WE SHOULD JOIN THE CARIBBEAN AS THEY HAVE BETTER WEATHER.

Is that better? Is it not? I’m leaning towards slightly better when it is said out loud.

NewsJack Submission 29 – 09 – 15

These are the submissions I made to NewsJack on the 29th September, 2015

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. JEREMY CORBYN HAS SAID MOST PEOPLE SHARE HIS VALUES. THE TELEGRAPH LED WITH THE HEADLINE ‘RED JED GETS IN YOUR HEAD – HAS THE COMMIE BOUGHT MIND CONTROL DEVICE FROM NORTH KOREA?’
  2. FACEBOOK GOES DOWN FOR A SECOND TIME IN A WEEK. WE APPROACHED A MAN IN THE STREET WHO TOLD US HE HAD JUST HAD A ‘CHEEKY NANDOS’ FOR LUNCH AND HIS GIRLFRIEND HANDED US SOME PHOTOS OF SOME CATS.
  3. DAVID CAMERON HAS SAID HE IS ‘TOO BUSY’ TO SUE LORD ASHCROFT FOR CLAIMS MADE IN HIS BOOK. SEPP BLATTER IS ALSO TOO BUSY TO SUE ANYONE ABOUT THE CLAIMS ABOUT HIM BEING CORRUPT AND ALSO I’M TOO BUSY TO SUE MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT CLAIMING I SPENT LAST NIGHT WITH TRACY FROM ACCOUNTS.

VIEWJACK:

  1. THEY SAY THAT HOW YOU SLEEP REVEALS LOADS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS AND SEX LIFE. I STAY UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY AND DRINKING RED BULL….BUT THAT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP AND SEX LIFE.
  2. WATER HAS BEEN FOUND ON MARS? THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME. I KNEW THEY HAD BEEN GETTING SMALLER, BUT WATERING THEM DOWN AS WELL?
  3. THE FAKE SHEIK HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH PERVERTING THE COURSE OF JUSTICE. I DIDN’T REALISE IT WAS SUCH A SERIOUS OFFENCE! I ONCE HAD AN INCIDENT INVOLVING A FAKE SHEIK. I ASKED FOR VANILLA AND THEY GAVE ME BANANA.

Favourites from this submission are Breaking News #3 as I could really hear this in Nish’s voice (a real strange thing to say but it really did seem like that) and none of these ViewJacks I’m very happy with. Obviously I wrote these just before the submission deadline as I think with a bit of work they could be better. For example

  1. THEY SAY THAT HOW YOU SLEEP REVEALS LOADS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS AND SEX LIFE. I HARDLY SLEEP AS I STAY UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY AND DRINKING RED BULL….BUT THAT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP AND SEX LIFE.

I needed to make reference back to ‘sleep’ and not ‘staying up’. It certainly reads better and that helps it being funny.

  1. THEY HAVE DONE SOME DRILLING AND WATER HAS FINALLY BEEN FOUND IN MARS? THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME. I KNEW THEY HAD BEEN GETTING SMALLER, BUT WATERING THEM DOWN AS WELL?

Water ON Mars? That doesn’t make sense for the punchline. Water IN Mars… that makes much more sense. Just not any funnier.

 

NewsJack Submission 21 – 09 – 15

This is my NewsJack submission on the 21st September 2015

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. NICK CLEGG HAS SAID THAT THE LIB DEMS ARE ‘COMEBACK KIDS’…..NO SORRY, THAT SHOULD BE “‘AND DON’T COME BACK’ KIDS”.
  2. JCB TO CUT 400 JOBS DUE TO A MARKET SLUMP. A SPOKESMAN FOR THE COMPANY HAS SAID THIS IS A TEMPORARY SITUATION AS THEY ARE WELL USED FOR DIGGING THEMSELVES OUT OF BIG HOLES.
  3. THE EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF NETWORK RAIL HAS SAID SHE CAN’T RULE OUT A SELL-OFF. INSIDERS HAVE ADVISED THAT IF YOU WISH TO BUY IT TOMORROW MORNING THEN THE PRICE WILL BE HUGE, BUT BUY IT ONLINE, 6 WEEKS IN ADVANCE AND THE PRICE IS MUCH CHEAPER….AS LONG AS YOU HAVE TAKE IT AT A WEEKEND.

VIEWJACK:

  1. ITS NOT JUST VW WHO HAVE BEEN CHEATING IN THEIR EMISSION TESTS. I HAD A GREGGS BAKED BEAN AND EGG SLICE FOR LUNCH YESTERDAY, AND I’VE BLAMED THE DOG FOR ALL THE SMELLS AROUND THE HOUSE
  2. EVERYONE LOVED THAT SEAL WHO WAS SPOTTED SURFING A HUMPBACK WHALE…BUT WHEN I JUMP ON A PENSION DEMANDING A PIGGYBACK SOMEHOW I’M A MONSTER?
  3. I BET YOU’VE HAD A MILLION PEOPLE TALK TO YOU ABOUT A CERTAIN MP THIS WEEK. YOU WONT HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT HIM FROM ME. WHAT? ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR? LISTEN MATE, I DON’T TELL PORKIES……

I think Breaking News # 3 could be improved as it gets a bit sloppy in the middle.

  1. THE EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF NETWORK RAIL HAS SAID SHE CAN’T RULE OUT A SELL-OFF. INSIDERS HAVE ADVISED THAT IF YOU WISH TO BUY IT TODAY THEN THE PRICE WILL BE £5.2 BILLION, BUT BUY IT ONLINE TODAY, 6 WEEKS IN ADVANCE,  AND THE PRICE IS MUCH CHEAPER….AS LONG AS YOU HAVE TAKE IT AT A WEEKEND.

ViewJack #1 should have ’emmisions’ in the punchline

  1. ITS NOT JUST VW WHO HAVE BEEN CHEATING IN THEIR EMISSION TESTS. I HAD A GREGGS BAKED BEAN AND EGG SLICE FOR LUNCH YESTERDAY, AND I’VE BLAMED THE DOG FOR ALL THE EMISSIONS AROUND THE HOUSE

ViewJack #2 should have the correct word in it! (Obviously not proofread by me!)

  1. EVERYONE LOVED THAT SEAL WHO WAS SPOTTED SURFING A HUMPBACK WHALE…BUT WHEN I JUMP ON A PENSIONER DEMANDING A PIGGYBACK SOMEHOW I’M A MONSTER?

ViewJack #3 was supposed to have this punchline but then it felt like the joke didn’t make sense. So I changed it and it just didn’t seem as funny.

  1. I BET YOU’VE HAD A MILLION PEOPLE TALK TO YOU ABOUT A CERTAIN MP THIS WEEK. YOU WONT HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT HIM FROM ME. WHAT? ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR? LISTEN MATE, I DON’T DO PORKIES……

NewsJack Submission 14 – 08 – 15

This is the submission I made to NewsJack on the 14th August, 2015.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. A STOLEN DIAMOND HAS BEEN SURGICALLY REMOVED FROM A LADIES BOTTOM. APPARENTLY HER LAST WORDS TO HER BOYFRIEND WERE, “MARRY YOU? I’D RATHER SHOVE THAT RING UP MY ARSE!”
  2. THE TRIAL OF 6 WOMEN WHO LAUNCHED A PYRAMID SCHEME HAS COST BRISTOL CROWN COURT £1.4 MILLION POUNDS. IT SOUNDS EXCESSIVE BUT IF THE COURT CAN FIND 6 OTHER COURTS THAT WILL INVEST £1.4 MILLION POUNDS EACH THEN IT CAN EXPECT TO EASILY TRIPLE ITS MONEY.
  3. DAVID CAMERON TOOK TO TWITTER TO ANNOUNCE JEREMY CORBYN AS A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY. NICK CLEGG WAS SEEN TO REPLY, “R U ALRIGHT HUN?” AND TWITTER USER @POTUS CHIPPED IN WITH, “STAY STRONG. – WE GOT YO BACK SMILEYFACE WINKY FACE #THERESNOPLACELIKEDRONE?”

VIEWJACK:

  1. “I’VE FINALLY DECIDED TO GET THIS NEW APPLE IPHONE 6S. APPLE SAY IT IS THE BEST PHONE EVER…IF THAT’S TRUE, I DOUBT THEY WILL RELEASE ANY MORE AFTER THIS ONE….”
  2. I HEARD ON THE NEWS THAT THE QUEEN NOW HOLDS THE LONGEST REIGN EVER. I KNOW IT IS FAR AWAY, BUT HOW COME NO-ONE TELLS YOU WHAT IT IS ATTACHED TO?
  3. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE ISSUE IS WITH LETTING ALL THE REFUGEES INTO THE UK. I LOVED THAT SONG, “KILLING ME SOFTLY”

 

My favourite jokes are Breaking New #2 and I really liked ViewJack #3….but there is a special place in my heart for ViewJack #2 for its silliness. Not the usual type of joke I write but it did make me chuckle!

NewsJack Submission 11 – 03 – 15

This is my submission for NewsJack on the 11th of March, 2015.

My first ever one. At this point I wasn’t even confident of writing a 3rd ViewsJack! I also only wrote about 1 topic for the oneliners and I think this was a bad decision. The news article was Robin Thicke/Pharrell being sued by Marvin Gaye’s family about ‘Blurred Lines’.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. WHEN DOES IMITATING A SONG BECOME COPYING A SONG? IF ONLY WE HAD A PHRASE THAT COULD DESCRIBE THIS ‘GREY AREA’?
  2. PHARELL WILLIAMS HAS SAID HE WILL APPEAL AFTER BEING FOUND GUILTY OF COPYING ANOTHER SONG. IN A STATEMENT MADE AFTER THE COURT RULING HE SAID, “IS THIS THE REAL LIFE? OR IS THIS JUST FANTASY? CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE RULING, NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY….”
  3. ROBIN THICKE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF COPYING…. MYSOGNISITIC VIEWS FROM THE 1980’S.

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. MAN: I CAN’T BELIEVE CLARKSON HAS BEEN SACKED FOR PUNCHING SOMEONE. I WOULD HAVE BET MY LIFE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR YET ANOTHER RACIST COMMENT.
  2. WOMAN: UNLESS THE TV POLITICAL DEBATE BETWEEN CAMERON AND MILIBAND HAS AN X-FACTOR STYLE SING-OFF, I’M NOT WATCHING.

Look at those ViewJacks! They are so poor and hack I deserved to not have them performed!