Category: One – Liners

NewsJack Submission 11 – One Liners

Newsjack Submission 11

Nothing in last week and I didn’t spend as long this week as I’d usually do. Here they are.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. THE UNIVERSITY OF MIDDLESEX HAS SUGGESTED ROBOTS COULD HELP SOLVE THE ELDERLY SOCIAL CARE CRISIS. DOCTORS ARE WORRIED WE COULD SEE THE QUICK RETURN OF THE ‘BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH’.
  2. UK AGREES £100M TURKEY DEFENCE DEAL. FUNDING RUNS OUT DECEMBER 24TH.
  3. 7 COUNTRIES ARE ON THE US BAN LIST. RUMOURS OF PLANS ON ADDING 4 MORE DENIED AS TRUMP WOULD HAVE TO TAKE OFF HIS SOCKS TO COUNT THEM.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

  1. NUMBER: ONE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED-THOUSAND PETITION TO CANCEL STATE VISIT BY TRUMP. NUMBER TEN IGNORES PETITION.
  1. 30 MILLION: FAKE NEWS STORIES BEING INVESTIGATED BY THE GOVERNMENT
    10: CELEBRITIES WHO ARE NOW TREES, NUMBER 7 WILL SHOCK YOU.
  1. 6%: FINE DEUTSCHE BANK PAID AFTER ADMITTING $10 BILLION RUSSIAN MONEY LAUNDERING SCHEME.
    94%: PROFIT THAT PROVES THAT CRIME DOES PAY.

I wrote the first 2 Breaking News while investigating stories for sketches.  BN1 was a bit of a struggle wording it but I was mainly happy with it. BN2 was just very silly – I just hope the Turkey/turkey wordplay is obvious and appreciated by people in the Newsjack writers room.

Number crunching was hard this week. I wonder if anyone else has the same problems as I do? I liked the idea about NC1 but writing it down it just didn’t seem to work. NC2 the punchline does match the feed-line: buzzfeed style punchline isn’t really ‘fake news’ just click-bait and so the two shouldn’t be together. Finally, I struggle for a 3rd one so with announcenment of a $590 million fine for Deutsche Bank I thought I would throw it in there. It was the closest I could get to a punchline and the original joke was along the lines of;-

$10 billion: Value of russian money laundering deal by Deutsche Bank which resulted in a 6% fine
14 Years in Prison: What a ‘man on the street’ would receive as punishement if they were involved in Money Laundering.

That didn’t read right so I re-worked it to be the joke I submitted. I guess I’ll find out Thursday how I did.

In other news, submitting before 12 meant I missed this beauty of a news story

http://metro.co.uk/2017/01/31/nothing-to-see-here-just-80-falcons-on-a-plane-6417088/

Falcons on a plane! 80 of them!

 

Newsjack – Submission 9 – One Liners

After not submitting last week, I decided to get something in for this week.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. ENGLAND MANAGER SAM ALLARDYCE FACES THE SACK FOR HAVING A SECOND JOB BEING A ‘FIXER’ TO AVOID FA TRANSFER RULES. IF ONLY HE PUT AS MUCH EFFORT INTO HIS FIRST JOB, MAYBE WE’D SOARED TO THE SEMI- FINALS OF THE EUROS.
  2. DOG MISSING FOR EIGHT MONTHS FOUND IN MANCHESTER AIRPORT. FRIENDS OF THE DOG SAID HIS HEALTH WAS IMPROVING HOWEVER HE WAS STILL FEELING A LITTLE ‘RUFF’.
  3. A FAMILY IN LEICESTER DISCOVERED THE ‘4-HOUR ERECTION’ SPIDER IN A BUNCH OF BANANAS. APPROACHED FOR COMMENT THE KIDS ADVISED, “MUM AND DAD SAID THAT THE SPIDERS HATE THE SOUND OF BARRY WHITE AND CURRENTLY THEY ARE TRYING TO FIND ONE IN THEIR BEDROOM…AND WE AREN’T TO DISTURB THEM…ITS BEEN HOURS.”

VIEWSJACK:

  1. ITS GREAT THAT SEWING ROBOTS WILL PUT SWEATSHOPS OUT OF BUSINESS BUT DON’T FORGET WE ARE THE REAL LOSERS HERE – ITS RUINED THE GREAT BRITISH SEWING BEE.
  2. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. A SCIENTIST WINS A NOBEL PRIZE FOR LIVING AS A GOAT IN THE ALPS FOR A YEAR. I LIVE LIKE A PIG IN THE LIVING ROOM FOR A MONTH AND MY WIFE LEAVES ME.
  3. I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT COUPLE BEING ROBBED BY KIDS IN THAILAND. I WAS ROBBED ON HOLIDAY IN PARIS – HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRICE OF DISNEYLAND TICKETS?

I love the silliness of Breaking News #2, Breaking News #3 just feels too wordy and #1 I’m not sure is an actual joke! Not a great start but they do occasionally like stuff like BN#2 so who knows.

ViewsJack #1 I like but think it should be worded differently. I’m re-wrote it a couple of times but still not happy with it. I like VJ#2. I thought it was a very strange news article, I wonder if someone else spotted it and thought ‘there is a joke in there’? VJ#3 is another one which felt like it was going somewhere but I just couldn’t get to the destination I wanted. Even now, after submission, I’m thinking something else.

I feel sorry for the couple who went on holiday to Thailand and only discovered they were robbed when they got the pictures back. I had the same thing happen to me in Paris – €25 for the picture of me and the husband on Splash Mountain – Daylight Robbery!

Never Mind…some you win and some you lose.

Newsjack – Submission 8 – One Liners not sent.

I was struggling getting 6 jokes for this session. Until the 11th hour when I found something else I liked the look of and I bumped this joke off my submission.

“SAMSUNG’S NEW PHONE IS SO ‘HOT’ RIGHT NOW. THE GALAXY NOTE 7 IS ‘EXPLODING’ ONTO THE MARKET AND FIRST REVIEWS SAY IT IS ‘THE BOMB’. SAMSUNG HAVE SAID TRIGGERING IT FOR RELEASE BEFORE THE NEW IPHONE IS A RISK BUT THEY HOPE IT WONT ‘BLOW UP IN THEIR FACE’. ”

I also saw on twitter this tweet….

 


What a great set-up for a joke but I had literally just pressed submit on my 6 and so couldn’t do anything with it. Hopefully someone does as I think it is perfect for Newsjack!

Newsjack – Submission 8 – One Liners

I submitted these this week.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. MANCHESTER UNITED ARE THE FIRST UK CLUB TO EARN HALF A BILLION POUNDS IN A SEASON. THE NEW BILLING PROCESS OF CHARGINGS FANS FOR EACH MILE THEY LIVE FROM OLD TRAFFORD IS REALLY PAYING OFF.
  2. WHAT CAR? MAGAZINE HAS SAID THAT DESPITE THE EMISSIONS SCANDLE, 2ND HAND VOLKSWAGENS ARE HOLDING THEIR VALUE. VW ARE DENYING THAT AN EMPLOYEE WAS SEEN INSTALLING A BLACK BOX ON THE SERVERS AT ‘WEBUYANYCAR.COM’.
  3. PIERS MORGAN RISKS JAIL FOR TEARING ONE OF THE NEW £5 NOTES LIVE ON TV. OF ALL THE THINGS PEIRS COULD GO FOR JAIL FOR AND THIS IS THE ONE PEOPLE GET UPSET ABOUT.

VIEWSJACK:

  1. (POSH PERSON) I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT KATE MIDDLETON WAS DRIVEN AROUND BY THE QUEEN RECENTLY. WHAT SETTING DOES ONE NEED TO USE TO BOOK HER AS MY UBER DRIVER?
  2. NOW THAT WE WILL NEED A VISA TO GET INTO EUROPE, IS MY TRIP TO MAGALUF CANCELLED BECAUSE I BOOKED IT ON MY MASTERCARD?
  3. I LOVE THE IDEA THEY ARE BRINGING BACK GRAMMAR SCHOOLS. MINE TAUGHT ME ABOUT KNITTING, RATIONING DURING THE WAR AND CASUAL RACISM THAT THE WHOLE FAMILY POLITELY IGNORES.

I really like Breaking News#2 and #3 however the Piers Morgan one might be too risky. I liked #2 a lot though…but I’m guessing anything to do with VW emissions might be too ‘old’ as a joke even though it is a new news story.

And I was really happy with Viewsjack #2. Who doesn’t like a word-play joke? Simple, easy to understand and funny! VJ#3 also made me chuckle away. The VJ#1 I’m not sure why I needed to pre-face it with ‘posh person’ as I think it makes me out to be a bellend. ANYONE could have said that. What a prat!

Newsjack – Submission 7

Here are the 6 I submitted this week.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. THE UNITED STATES HAVE BEATEN BRITAIN IN THE ‘CALL OF DUTY’ WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL. THEY WON PRIZE MONEY OF ONE MILLION DOLLARS AND 6 MONTH INJUNCTION FROM ANYONE SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THEIR MOTHERS.
  2. THERESA MAY HAS REJECTED THE POINTS-BASED MIGRATION PLAN. A RECENT SPONSORSHIP DEAL WITH NINTENDO HAS HAD NO INFLUENCE ON HER DECISION TO MOVE TO A POKEMON-GO BASED PLAN.
  3. SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A TEA-CUP THAT WILL KEEP YOUR DRINK HOT FOR 30 MINUTES. I’M SO GLAD THEY’VE CURED ALL ILLNESSES AND CAN START WORKING ON THIS FRIVIOLOUS STUFF. ANYONE WHO DOESN’T DRINK THEIR TEA WHEN THEY GET IT, DOESN’T DESERVE THIS SCIENCE OF THE FUTURE.

VIEWSJACK:

  1. I SAVE SO MUCH MONEY WATCHING THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF. THE RECEIPIES ON SCREEN SAVE ME FROM BUYING PAUL HOLLYWOOD’S COOK BOOK AND THE INNUENDOES SAVE ME £3.50 A MINUTE ON ADULT CHAT LINES.
  2. SPORTS DIRECT ARE GOING TO REDUCE THEIR ZERO HOUR CONTRACTS. WILL THEY NOW BE MINUS ONE HOUR?
  3. I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY HAVE OFFERED DANIEL CRAIG £150 MILLION FOR THE NEXT TWO JAMES BOND FILMS, THEY COULD SAVE LOADS OF MONEY BY WATCHING IT AT LOCAL ODEON WHEN THEY ARE RELEASED.

NewsJack – Submission 6 – One liners

One last week and then NewsJack is done for the series. I can stop worrying about whether I should write/submit anything for this. Here are my submissions for the last show in the series.

ONELINERS:

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. A RUGBY PLAYER HAS HAD HIS PENIS NEARLY RIPPED OFF DURING A GAME. IT WAS A DREADFUL LOOKING TACKLE, SAID THE DOCTOR WHO FIRST EXAMINED HIM.
  1. CHRIS EVANS APOLOGIES FOR TOP GEAR STUNT. THIS IS IN PREPARATION FOR HIM HAVING TO APOLOGISE FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE TO TOP GEAR OVERALL.
  2. A RABBIT OWNER IN OZ TRIED TO CONVINCE THE POLICE HER ILLEGAL RABBIT WAS A GUINEA PIG. I HAD SOMETHING SIMILAR. MY GIRLFRIEND BELIEVED ME WHEN I SAID I HAD A MASSIVE SNAKE, UNTIL SHE SAW IT.

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. (AMERICAN ACCENT) WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL WITH ANDERS BREIVIK’S SALUTE ON THE FIRST DAY OF HIS TRIAL? WE’VE BEEN DOING THESE SALUTES AT ALL THE DONALD TRUMP RALLIES FOR WEEKS, DON’T MAKE US NO RACISTS!
  1. I CAN’T BELIEVE TFL CANCELLED A CONTRACT AND PAID NEARLY £100 MILLION FOR A SUPPLIER TO NOT DELIVER TUBE IMPROVEMENTS. I COULD HAVE NOT DELIVERED TUBE IMPROVEMENTS AND I WOULD HAVE CHARGED THEM ONLY £50 MILLION.
  2. I’M GLAD AMAZON DON’T DO AGE CHECKS ON PURCHASES, OTHERWISE I’D NOT BE ALLOWED TO BUY THE LIMITED, COLLECTOR EDITION, HARRY POTTER TOYS. IN UNRELATED NEWS, WHY AM I STILL SINGLE AT 43 YEARS OLD. SINGLEARUS EXPELLARUM!

 

Initial feedback from my Showcase comedy group is that the Chris Evans joke is the weakest. Lets see what the BBC decide to  steal use this week (if anything).

NewsJack Submission 5 – Oneliners

I didn’t submit anything this week, but if I had It would have been these.

 

ONELINERS:

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. BREXIT NEWS – BORIS JOHNSON SAYS HE DIDN’T FORCE A GAG ON STAFF REGARDING VOTE. HE REFUSES TO COMMENT ON WHETHER HE MADE THEM WEAR A LEATHER HOOD OR LATEX BODY SUIT IN PRIVATE MEETINGS.

 

  1. MORRISSEY TO CAMPAIGN TO BE LONDON MAYOR. WITH SONGS LIKE ‘THE MORE YOU IGNORE ME, THE CLOSER I GET’, I KNOW ITS GOING TO HAPPEN SOMEDAY’ AND ‘LET ME KISS YOU’, HE SEEMS PERFECT TO REPLACE BORIS.
  2. DRIVERLESS HGVS TO BE TRIALLED IN THE UK. TRUCK DRIVING UNIONS ARE WORRIED ABOUT WHO WILL CALL OUT ‘OI OI!’ AND ‘CHEERS UP LOVE!’ TO WOMEN ON THE STREET?

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. I DON’T UNDERSTAND ALL THIS FUSS OVER INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY. APART FROM INVENTING X-RAYS AND RADIO THERAPY, OBSERVING EVIDENCE OF DARK MATTER, DISCOVERING THE XY CHROMOSOME, DISCOVERED NUCLEAR FISSION, UNLOCKED THE SECRETS OF DNA….WHAT HAVE THEY EVER DONE FOR US?

 

  1. I DON’T BELIEVE THAT MY DRINKING THE NIGHT BEFORE AFFECTS MY DRIVING IN THE MORNING. I NEVER GO OFF THE RAILS WHICH IS LUCKY AS I DRIVE THE TUBE.
  2. MY BANK CONTACTED ME TO SAY I HAD AN OUTSTANDING AMOUNT ON MY ACCOUNT. WHICH IS STRANGE AS I’VE BEEN SPENDING LOADS RECENTLY AND I’D HAVE THOUGHT I’D HAVE RUN OUT OF MONEY.

 

A bit Boris heavy on the Breaking News but seeing as they aren’t getting them, I don’t care!

NewsJack Episode 3 Submission

After all the promises I made myself last week, this week I gave myself even less time. They needed to be submitted by 12 on Tuesday and I started writing them at 11am. Nothing like leaving things until the last moment!

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. A BABY GORILLA HAS BEEN BORN VIA C-SECTION. “OOOOH-AAHHH-OOOOOO-AAAAAAH-AHHH-HOOOO!” SAID THE MUM AS IT TURNED OUT THEY’D NOT USED ENOUGH ANAESTHETIC.
  1. THE FBI HAVE DEMANDED APPLE CREATE A ‘BACKDOOR’ INTO ALL IPHONES. AN INSIDER AT APPLE HAS SAID, “THEY’LL NEVER GET INTO OUR PHONES…DID YOU HEAR A CRACKLE ON THE LINE? I THINK THIS PHONE IS BUGGED!”
  2. MASTERCARD IS TO OFFER SELFIE ID TO MAKE PAYMENTS THAT ARE CONFIRMED WITH YOUR PHOTO. SOON YOU WON’T WORRY ABOUT ‘NO AVAILABLE FUNDS’ WHEN YOU BUY SOMETHING, BUT YOU MIGHT BE TOLD YOU ARE TOO UGLY.

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. EDDIE IZZARD IS TO DO 27 MARATHONS FOR SPORTS RELIEF? THAT’S NOT HARD. BUT FYI, THEY ARE CALLED SNICKERS NOW.
  2. IF I VOTE TO LEAVE EUROPE, CAN I STILL GO THERE ON MY HOLIDAY TO MAGALUF? IF I VOTE TO STAY IN EUROPE, DO I HAVE TO COME BACK?
  3. THEY SAY MATH STANDARDS ARE LOWER THAN THEY WERE IN THE 1960’S. WELL THAT WAS OVER 70 YEARS AGO SO I’M NOT SURE THAT’S RELEVANT

I am lucky enough to actually have tickets to the broadcast of this show. I wonder if they will perform anything I’ve written?

I did show a friend these and he like joke one because it had a line from the ‘Witch Doctor’ song. Completely crossed wires and I guess that means that joke wasn’t as simple I thought. I thought it was obvious it was the sound of a Gorilla but apparently not! 😀

I liked Breaking News 3 but it is complex to read so needs to be shorter. I also thought Viewjack 1 was very lazy….Can people still make jokes about Marathons being called Snickers now? Its probably been over 20 years?

 

Newsjack Episode 2 Submission

This was all new stuff and written a bit hastily.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. HSBC ARE TO KEEP THEIR HEADQUARTERS IN LONDON. THEY WERE WORRIED THAT THE CORPORATION TAX WOULD BE TOO HIGH IN THE UK, SO THEY DID A QUICK GOOGLE AND SUDDENLY GEORGE OSBORNE AGREED THAT THEY WOULD ONLY HAVE TO PAY ABOUT 3%.

 

  1. KANYE WEST ASKED MARK ZUCKERBERG FOR ONE BILLION DOLLARS FOR HIS COMPANY ‘KANYE WEST IDEAS’. THE PROBLEM IS KANYE IS COMING ACROSS LESS ‘JAMES DYSON’ AND MORE ‘FAILED DRAGONS DEN PITCH’.

 

  1. SOON IT WILL BE ILLEGAL TO VIEW PORNOGRAPHY ON-LINE WITHOUT PASSING AN AGE CHECK. THE QUESTIONS WILL START EASY THEN HIT YOU WITH QUESTIONS LIKE, “AT WHAT AGE DID YOU FIRST WORRY ABOUT YOUR CREDIT SCORE?”

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. STEPHEN FRY’S RELATIONSHIP WITH TWITTER IS LIKE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MCDONALDS. I TELL MYSELF, “NEVER AGAIN.” BUT THEN I JUST CAN’T RESIST GOING BACK.
  2. LIKE A LOT OF PARENTS, I GOT A LETTER FROM THE HEAD TEACHER TELLING ME TO STOP SMOKING CANNABIS BEFORE AND AFTER SCHOOL. HOW DO THEY EXPECT ME TO DEAL WITH A STORMING HANG-OVER AND LOOK AFTER A BUNCH OF SCREAMING 5 YEAR OLDS WHILE DOING A LESSON PLAN AND WORRYING ABOUT OFSTED?
  3. I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE BREXIT BUT I DO KNOW ONE THING;- AFTER 6 YEARS OF CAMERON RUNNING THE COUNTRY, WHATEVER HE SAYS WE SHOULD DO, WE SHOULD PROBABLY BE DOING THE OPPOSITE.

Another Google Tax joke, but I thought I could get away with it. Everyone loves a tax cheating joke.

I got no email from Newsjack so none of these made the show. I didn’t have the confidence in these like I did the last lot so I will need to up my game for episode 3 🙂

Newsjack Episode 1 Submission

Now the episode has been aired I can tell you what my jokes were…

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. SUNDAR PICHAI, THE BOSS OF GOOGLE, HAS BEEN AWARDED NEARLY $200 MILLION DOLLARS PRE-TAX IN PAY MAKING HIM THE HIGHEST PAID BOSS IN THE US. TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF HOW MUCH HE TAKES HOME, AFTER TAX IT WORKS OUT AT NEARLY $200 MILLION DOLLARS.
  1. THREE CONTESTANTS HAVE BEEN INJURED TAKING PART IN THE ITV SERIES ‘THE JUMP’. ALTHOUGH IT HASN’T BEEN CANCELLED, THE PRODUCERS ARE CURRENTLY LOOKING AT REPLACING IT WITH A SAFER SHOW CALLED “CELEBRITY DUEL AT 20 PACES”.
  1. THE POLICE ARE TO USE THE MEDIEVAL HUNTING TECHNIQUE OF USING EAGLES TO TACKLE THE PROBLEM OF DRONES IN BIG CITIES. THEY HAVE BEEN SLOWLY INTRODUCING OTHER MEDIEVAL TECHNIQUES AS DURING A RECENT PROTEST MARCH, SOME PEOPLE WERE EVEN MACED IN THE FACE.

VIEWJACK:

  1. DAVID CAMERON SAID THAT WE MUST STAY IN EUROPE. I’VE BEEN THERE ON HOLIDAY BUT IT IS FULL OF FOREIGNERS AND THEIR MINGING FOREIGN FOOD.YOU CAN’T GET A GOOD CURRY OR CHINESE ANYWHERE!
  1. I CAN’T BELIEVE THE RESULTS OF THE SUPERBOWL. THE NEW WISCONSEN BEAVERS BEAT THE SOUTH DRAKESVILLE AARDVARKS 6 TOUCHPOINTS TO 3. OK, I’LL BE HONEST, I’VE NO IDEA ABOUT AMERICAN FOOTBALL.
  1. STORM IMOGEN IS CURRENTLY LASHING PARTS OF THE UK. I THINK I SAW HER DANCE AT STRINGFELLOWS BUT SHE WASN’T DOING S&M THEN.

 

I really enjoyed my Google joke. It really felt like something they would use. Joke #3 was built off a comment a friend of mine once said when she heard people could mace people in the face. The idea that modern police were going around and using medieval weaponry on members of the public created a funny image in my head and I felt the news story about using eagles to hunt drones was a good one to shoe-horn it in.

I also really enjoyed joke #5 but its just silly and I wasn’t sure if I should include it or not. Joke #6 was one I really wasn’t happy with. I felt there was a much better punchline. I think the original joke was more along the lines of ” ‘Storm Imogen’ sounds like the name of a D-List celebrity or a stripper. I suppose they are both pretty much the same thing.”

There was another version of it that compared the name to that of a hollywood celebrity’s child’s name. But that idea just never worked out well typed out.

Anyway. The long and the short of it is that nothing of mine was broadcast 🙁

HOWEVER

Once again, I was ‘Nearly-There Nigel’ and a joke of mine ended up in the script! It may have even been performed but essentially they thought it could be good enough, its just I wont get paid (or get writer’s credits!)

Episode1_Nearly_There

 

and yes, I was playing Candy Crush when it came in…. Deal with it!