Category: One – Liners

Submission 15 – NewsJack – One-Liners

My Brain farts weren’t working.

I have submitted my submission for this week. Hopefully they do ok. I am a bit annoyed that I forget to check my brainfart I uploaded earlier in the week as I really liked the Samsung chip joke. I probably should have submitted that but I didn’t

Breaking News!

  1. Stagecoach East Coast rail franchise to end early. Passengers kicked off at Newark and to get bus replacement service.

Something which felt like the start of a joke but certainly not the end of the joke. I think this is where having a comedy writing partner probably helps. But I don’t have one and so I have to make do with me. And I’m an arsehole. The set-up is sound, but the punchline is lacking.

  1. Inspirational quotes are being shared at underground stations by tube worker. Unfortunately none of them are ‘your train will arrive on time’

This one was a struggle. Just a news story on the beeb about ‘feelgood quotes’ and I felt I needed to crush any feeling of goodness and remind people the tube is shit. Another acceptable feedline but dreadful punchline.

  1. Silvio Berlusconi to deport 600,000 illegal immigrants from Italy. He said he will allow 61 to stay….sorry, that reads ‘Sexy Ones’ to stay

Who’d have thought we get the oppertunity to make Silvio Berlusconi jokes in 2018? It was a shame that I struggled to find breaking news. Also that I didn’t submit my samsung joke as I think thats the best of all 6 I wrote! What a twazzock.

Number Crunching!

Still, the Newsjack team are keeping with this format. I wonder if it really does have legs?

  1. £500,000 – My current personal holdings of Bitcoins.
    £1,000,000 – My current Lloyds Credit card statement after I bought them before the price collapsed.

A bitcoin joke. The market is tumbling and if I had to guess I think there will be a breaking news joke about Bitcoin (or even a sketch), I doubt they’ll waste a NC joke on bitcoin. But I guess we will see.

  1. 9 Months – Length of time Kylie Jenner hid her pregnancy from the public.
    9 Months – Length of time you could search and still not find my interest in it.

This is just for me. I have no interest in the this story so I thought I’d put a joke about it. So I did.

  1. 6 Nations – One of the greatest sporting competitions of the year.
    1 Nation – Most disappointing sporting competition once we’ve left Europe.

I do like a brexit joke, good or otherwise. I imagine that NJ is going to be chok-a-block with Brexit & Trump jokes so I have joined in. I didn’t do a Trump joke. I watched ‘The Mash Report’ the other day and it looks like they will have the monopoly on Trump/Brexit jokes for the series.

I think I tweeted online about The Mash Report being ‘Newsjack with pictures’ and I stand by that comment. It isn’t a slight on TMR or NJ – but with Nish fronting it, it certainly feels like NewsJack episodes of time gone by.

There are plans afoot for this series of NewsJack for me…I wonder if I can get broadcast this series?

Submission 14 – NewsJack – One-Liners

Its that time of the week again. I need to write some one-liners for a radio show that I wont appear on and they wont use. It seems like a waste of time really, but I still do it. I think I’d have given up ages ago if they’d not actually paid me for one of them.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. SEARCH ENGINES ARE TO DEMOTE PIRATE SITES IN THEIR DISPLAYED RESULTS. RETAILERS ARE OUTRAGED DUE TO A DROP IN SALES OF WOODEN LEGS, EYE PATCHES AND PARROTS.
  2. JEREMY HUNT HAS EXPLAINED THAT HOSPITAL CUTS PLANNED IN MOST OF ENGLAND ARE NO CAUSE FOR CONCERN AS THAT’S HOW THEY START ALL SURGERIES.
  3. HEATHROW AIRPORT OFFICIALS DENY DETAINING LINDSEY LOHAN FOR 2 HOURS DUE TO RACIAL PROFILING, WHILE WEARING A HEADSCARF. THE PUT OUT A STATEMENT SAYING, “DID YOU SEE ‘I KNOW WHO KILLED ME?’ THAT’S TWO HOURS OF OUR LIVES WE’LL NEVER GET BACK AND FELT MS LOHAN SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE SAME EXPERIENCE.

As always a mixed bag from me. I struggled to find articles however I did think this morning that I’d not be submitting anything today and this week would just be the single sketch I submitted yesterday. However, due to a number of meetings being cancelled last minute I was able to throw together 3 ‘Breaking News’ jokes. The first one was after seeing a Pirate based headline. How could you not want to write a joke with a media Pirate/high seas Pirate punchline? So I did. The second BN was changed at the last minute as originally it started with ‘MPs have explained’ but just before I submitted I re-read them and felt it needed to be Jeremy Hunt. So it was. I do like including Jeremy in my submissions. The total Hunt.

I nearly didn’t have a 3rd BN however I saw the Linsay Lohan was ‘racially profiled’ at heathrow due to wearing a headscalf. I expanded this out to being ‘detained’ to help make the joke work. It is also very long for a one-liner but, as I always say, Fuck the Police.

NUMBER CRUNCHING:

  1. 24 HOURS: NEW TUBE STRIKE THIS WEEK.
    24 MINUTES: AMOUNT OF WORK PEOPLE WILL DO DURING THEIR NEW DAY OF ‘WORKING FROM HOME’.
  2. 470,000: NUMBER OF CARS IN THE UK THAT VOLKSWAGEN HAVE ‘FIXED’ DUE TO EMISSIONS SCANDAL.
    200,000: NUMBER OF CARS INDEPENDENTLY VERIFIED AS BEING FIXED.
  3. 4 YEARS: AMOUNT THE EU WANT THE UK TO STILL CONTRIBUTE FUNDS AFTER BREXIT.
    FOR YEARS: HOW LONG BREXIT VOTERS WILL WHINGE ON ABOUT HOW THE REMAINERS AREN’T SUPPORTING THEIR SHIT-STORM OF AN IDEA.

Number Crunching was a real grind this week. All written 10 minutes before the deadline. There is a strike in London on the tubes and the headline was ’24 hour strike’ which was one of the few number based headlines I saw. Expand this out to the impact on workers and lots more people will be working from home. Lets pretend they only actually work for 24 minutes when they work from home. Its certainly not true for me. I work ace at home (*waves to boss*) but also I walk to work so tube strikes don’t affect me even though I live in that London.

The 2nd NC was another volkswagen headline. Not my strongest work and I find jokes about the emmision scandal don’t tend to appear in the show. Correctly so as it isn’t really head-line news anymore. But as sure as night follows day I’ll shoe-horn in a joke if I need to.

The final NC was a great joke…but I felt the wording just wasn’t nailed on. 4 years/For years needs an inflection for people to recognise them as different things otherwise its just 4 years/4 years which, although true, isn’t the joke I’m trying to make.

So the full number of one-liners this week submitted on time. Lets see if any are funny enough to make the performance OR the broadcast.

Submission 13 – NewsJack – One-liners

This week was a hard week. I really felt I’d lost my mojo. I went to see Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer last week and it put me in a good mood.

I don’t know what caused the funk to surround me but neither the sketches or the one-liners really felt like they hit home.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. DUREX BUYS A BABY-FOOD COMPANY. A SPLIT IN THE COMPANY DURING THIS BIG SPURT HAS BEEN EXPECTED BUT THE TRUE RESULTS MAY ONLY BE SEEN IN 9 MONTHS TIME.
  2. SHOCKING NEWS AS CHARLES BRONSON PROPOSES TO HIS SOAPSTAR ACTRESS GIRLFRIEND AND SHE SAID …(EASTENDERS DUM DUMS SOUND FX)
  3. UK SKILL SHORTAGE LEADS TO DYSON BEING PUSHED TO ASIA. MANY DOUBT THE CORDLESS VACUUM CLEANER WILL GET FURTHER THAN FRANCE BEFORE REQUIRING EMPTYING AND CHARGING.

NUMBER CRUNCHING:

  1. £4.6 BILLION: ROLLS ROYCE’S LARGEST EVER REPORTED LOSS

£30: UNAPPROVED OVERDRAFT CHARGE MADE BY THEIR BANK

  1. £20: HOW MUCH BETTER OFF PENSIONERS ARE A WEEK THAN WORKING

£20: EXACT INCREASE IN COST OF ELECTRIC BAR HEATERS AND WERTHERS ORIGINALS

  1. 100: PEOPLE INVOLVED IN MASS BRAWL INSIDE A WEATHERSPOONS

100: PEOPLE WHO MIS-UNDERSTOOD THAT IT WAS THE MEAL DEAL FREE DRINKS MENU THAT NOW INCLUDED A PUNCH.

 

The durex joke started forming when I was looking for sketches. It did have a couple re-writes but I’m still not happy with the final product. The 2nd Breaking News joke isn’t right as his girlfriend was a Coronation Street actress but the ‘Wah Wahs’ aren’t as well known as the ‘Enders ‘Dum Dums’. Breaking News number 3 was the last one written. I saw a little story about Dyson which said, ‘Skills Shortage Pushes Dyson to Asia’ and figured there would be a joke in there. I ended up with the above but I still feel the joke could be made punchier.

Number Crunching was much harder this week.

NC#1 – Its the same joke I’ve sent in before. the late payment/unapproved OD/etc appeared before but I thought I’d try it for Rolls Royce. Who knows, they might like it this time?!

NC#2 – this was more of me trying to find a joke about a popular number that was in the news. The £20 better offer being a pension was in the news and is something people would recognise. Electric bar heaters and wethers for old people is a little hack but who cares, they aren’t going to use it anyway.

NC#3 – another new article using numbers – 100 people involved in a punch up. Really couldn’t get this written correctly and I wasn’t happy with the final draft although it was better than earlier ones.

Not much really to report this week. Fire and Forget. Roll on next week’s submission and hopefully things will improve.

NewsJack Submission 12 – One-Liners

This week I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I had no jokes from writing the sketches so thought i’d trying this one anyway.

The Number Crunching came a little easier than the Breaking News but I still think as a format it will be forgotten soon, especially if there is only one ’round’ broadcast.

Here is what i submitted.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. BREXIT VOTING DATA RELEASED SHOWING PEOPLE WITH LOWER LEVELS OF EDUCATION AND OLD PEOPLE MAINLY VOTED LEAVE. THE DATA ALSO IDENTIFIED THE RELIGION OF THE POPE AND LOCATIONS BEARS USE AS TOILETS.
  2. GREEN PARTY COUNCILLOR ARRESTED DURING A TREE-FELLING PROTEST. POLICE OFFICERS CALLED IN FROM SPECIAL BRANCH.
  3. BISON RETURNED TO CANADA’S OLDEST PARK. MOUNTIES ELATED THEY NOW HAVE SOMEWHERE TO WASH THEIR HANDS.

NUMBER CRUNCHING:

  1. TEN MINUTES: AMOUNT OF TIME DOCTORS SPEND PER GP APPOINTMENT
    TEN MINUTES: AMOUNT OF TIME JUNIOR DOCTORS HAVE TO SLEEP BETWEEN SHIFTS
  2. ONE-FIFTH OF 25 YEAR-OLDS ALREADY OWN THEIR OWN HOME.
    FOUR-FIFTHS OF 25 YEAR-OLDS ARE STILL WAITING FOR THEIR PARENTS TO DIE.
  3. £1,000,000 : AMOUNT DAVID BECKHAM BLACKMAILED OVER EMAILS DISCUSSING LACK OF KNIGHTHOOD
    £930,000 : AMOUNT HE COULD HAVE DONATED TO THE TORY PARTY WHICH WOULD HAVE GUARENTEED ACTUALLY GETTING IT.

Now there was a last minute substitution. NC#2 was going to be

250,000 NEW HOMES REQUIRED ANNUALLY, SAY GOVERNMENT OFFICALS
£250,000 HOMES REQUIRED LOCALLY, SAY RENTER IN THE SOUTH OF ENGLAND

The end of it was being changed between ‘South of England’ and ;’London’ until I decided I should just do a different joke. It didn’t really feel right to me anyway. It got replaced with something much darker and certainly funnier, but who knows what the team at NewsJack like? I did try making a different joke based on the World Record for non-stop commercial flight

16 HOURS 30 MINUTES : WORLD RECORD NON-STOP PLANE TRIP ARRIVING IN AUCKLAND, AUSTRAILIA.
17 HOURS: VIRGIN TRAIN JOURNEY BETWEEN LONDON AND EDINBURGH, ONCE YOU INCLUDE THE BUS REPLACEMENT SERVICES.

There is a joke in there somewhere, I’m just not sure where.

BN#2 made me chuckle. I’m sure a million people will submit it but I didn’t care. I liked the word-play. BN#3 was also another wordplay joke based on ‘Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo’ and as its well known, I’m not sure whether the staff writers/producers will enjoy it. I also like BN#1 but I’m sure I’ve submitted loads of jokes with a punchline involving popes and bears and none appear so I guess I’ll be SOOL this week on the Breaking News Front.

Number Crunching was hard slog but I think I did ok. They are ‘funny’ but whether they are NewsJack funny, I’m not sure. I do like an NHS joke so I’m happy with NC#1 and the David Beckham joke felt like something that could be in the Private Eye. Thinking of which, is that EXACTLY where Newsjack stole that idea from? Probably. I have just got my Private Eye subscription arranged so I wonder if there will be any overlap?

 

NewsJack Submission 11 – One Liners

Newsjack Submission 11

Nothing in last week and I didn’t spend as long this week as I’d usually do. Here they are.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. THE UNIVERSITY OF MIDDLESEX HAS SUGGESTED ROBOTS COULD HELP SOLVE THE ELDERLY SOCIAL CARE CRISIS. DOCTORS ARE WORRIED WE COULD SEE THE QUICK RETURN OF THE ‘BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH’.
  2. UK AGREES £100M TURKEY DEFENCE DEAL. FUNDING RUNS OUT DECEMBER 24TH.
  3. 7 COUNTRIES ARE ON THE US BAN LIST. RUMOURS OF PLANS ON ADDING 4 MORE DENIED AS TRUMP WOULD HAVE TO TAKE OFF HIS SOCKS TO COUNT THEM.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

  1. NUMBER: ONE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED-THOUSAND PETITION TO CANCEL STATE VISIT BY TRUMP. NUMBER TEN IGNORES PETITION.
  1. 30 MILLION: FAKE NEWS STORIES BEING INVESTIGATED BY THE GOVERNMENT
    10: CELEBRITIES WHO ARE NOW TREES, NUMBER 7 WILL SHOCK YOU.
  1. 6%: FINE DEUTSCHE BANK PAID AFTER ADMITTING $10 BILLION RUSSIAN MONEY LAUNDERING SCHEME.
    94%: PROFIT THAT PROVES THAT CRIME DOES PAY.

I wrote the first 2 Breaking News while investigating stories for sketches.  BN1 was a bit of a struggle wording it but I was mainly happy with it. BN2 was just very silly – I just hope the Turkey/turkey wordplay is obvious and appreciated by people in the Newsjack writers room.

Number crunching was hard this week. I wonder if anyone else has the same problems as I do? I liked the idea about NC1 but writing it down it just didn’t seem to work. NC2 the punchline does match the feed-line: buzzfeed style punchline isn’t really ‘fake news’ just click-bait and so the two shouldn’t be together. Finally, I struggle for a 3rd one so with announcenment of a $590 million fine for Deutsche Bank I thought I would throw it in there. It was the closest I could get to a punchline and the original joke was along the lines of;-

$10 billion: Value of russian money laundering deal by Deutsche Bank which resulted in a 6% fine
14 Years in Prison: What a ‘man on the street’ would receive as punishement if they were involved in Money Laundering.

That didn’t read right so I re-worked it to be the joke I submitted. I guess I’ll find out Thursday how I did.

In other news, submitting before 12 meant I missed this beauty of a news story

http://metro.co.uk/2017/01/31/nothing-to-see-here-just-80-falcons-on-a-plane-6417088/

Falcons on a plane! 80 of them!

 

Newsjack – Submission 9 – One Liners

After not submitting last week, I decided to get something in for this week.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. ENGLAND MANAGER SAM ALLARDYCE FACES THE SACK FOR HAVING A SECOND JOB BEING A ‘FIXER’ TO AVOID FA TRANSFER RULES. IF ONLY HE PUT AS MUCH EFFORT INTO HIS FIRST JOB, MAYBE WE’D SOARED TO THE SEMI- FINALS OF THE EUROS.
  2. DOG MISSING FOR EIGHT MONTHS FOUND IN MANCHESTER AIRPORT. FRIENDS OF THE DOG SAID HIS HEALTH WAS IMPROVING HOWEVER HE WAS STILL FEELING A LITTLE ‘RUFF’.
  3. A FAMILY IN LEICESTER DISCOVERED THE ‘4-HOUR ERECTION’ SPIDER IN A BUNCH OF BANANAS. APPROACHED FOR COMMENT THE KIDS ADVISED, “MUM AND DAD SAID THAT THE SPIDERS HATE THE SOUND OF BARRY WHITE AND CURRENTLY THEY ARE TRYING TO FIND ONE IN THEIR BEDROOM…AND WE AREN’T TO DISTURB THEM…ITS BEEN HOURS.”

VIEWSJACK:

  1. ITS GREAT THAT SEWING ROBOTS WILL PUT SWEATSHOPS OUT OF BUSINESS BUT DON’T FORGET WE ARE THE REAL LOSERS HERE – ITS RUINED THE GREAT BRITISH SEWING BEE.
  2. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. A SCIENTIST WINS A NOBEL PRIZE FOR LIVING AS A GOAT IN THE ALPS FOR A YEAR. I LIVE LIKE A PIG IN THE LIVING ROOM FOR A MONTH AND MY WIFE LEAVES ME.
  3. I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT COUPLE BEING ROBBED BY KIDS IN THAILAND. I WAS ROBBED ON HOLIDAY IN PARIS – HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRICE OF DISNEYLAND TICKETS?

I love the silliness of Breaking News #2, Breaking News #3 just feels too wordy and #1 I’m not sure is an actual joke! Not a great start but they do occasionally like stuff like BN#2 so who knows.

ViewsJack #1 I like but think it should be worded differently. I’m re-wrote it a couple of times but still not happy with it. I like VJ#2. I thought it was a very strange news article, I wonder if someone else spotted it and thought ‘there is a joke in there’? VJ#3 is another one which felt like it was going somewhere but I just couldn’t get to the destination I wanted. Even now, after submission, I’m thinking something else.

I feel sorry for the couple who went on holiday to Thailand and only discovered they were robbed when they got the pictures back. I had the same thing happen to me in Paris – €25 for the picture of me and the husband on Splash Mountain – Daylight Robbery!

Never Mind…some you win and some you lose.

Newsjack – Submission 8 – One Liners not sent.

I was struggling getting 6 jokes for this session. Until the 11th hour when I found something else I liked the look of and I bumped this joke off my submission.

“SAMSUNG’S NEW PHONE IS SO ‘HOT’ RIGHT NOW. THE GALAXY NOTE 7 IS ‘EXPLODING’ ONTO THE MARKET AND FIRST REVIEWS SAY IT IS ‘THE BOMB’. SAMSUNG HAVE SAID TRIGGERING IT FOR RELEASE BEFORE THE NEW IPHONE IS A RISK BUT THEY HOPE IT WONT ‘BLOW UP IN THEIR FACE’. ”

I also saw on twitter this tweet….

 


What a great set-up for a joke but I had literally just pressed submit on my 6 and so couldn’t do anything with it. Hopefully someone does as I think it is perfect for Newsjack!

Newsjack – Submission 8 – One Liners

I submitted these this week.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. MANCHESTER UNITED ARE THE FIRST UK CLUB TO EARN HALF A BILLION POUNDS IN A SEASON. THE NEW BILLING PROCESS OF CHARGINGS FANS FOR EACH MILE THEY LIVE FROM OLD TRAFFORD IS REALLY PAYING OFF.
  2. WHAT CAR? MAGAZINE HAS SAID THAT DESPITE THE EMISSIONS SCANDLE, 2ND HAND VOLKSWAGENS ARE HOLDING THEIR VALUE. VW ARE DENYING THAT AN EMPLOYEE WAS SEEN INSTALLING A BLACK BOX ON THE SERVERS AT ‘WEBUYANYCAR.COM’.
  3. PIERS MORGAN RISKS JAIL FOR TEARING ONE OF THE NEW £5 NOTES LIVE ON TV. OF ALL THE THINGS PEIRS COULD GO FOR JAIL FOR AND THIS IS THE ONE PEOPLE GET UPSET ABOUT.

VIEWSJACK:

  1. (POSH PERSON) I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT KATE MIDDLETON WAS DRIVEN AROUND BY THE QUEEN RECENTLY. WHAT SETTING DOES ONE NEED TO USE TO BOOK HER AS MY UBER DRIVER?
  2. NOW THAT WE WILL NEED A VISA TO GET INTO EUROPE, IS MY TRIP TO MAGALUF CANCELLED BECAUSE I BOOKED IT ON MY MASTERCARD?
  3. I LOVE THE IDEA THEY ARE BRINGING BACK GRAMMAR SCHOOLS. MINE TAUGHT ME ABOUT KNITTING, RATIONING DURING THE WAR AND CASUAL RACISM THAT THE WHOLE FAMILY POLITELY IGNORES.

I really like Breaking News#2 and #3 however the Piers Morgan one might be too risky. I liked #2 a lot though…but I’m guessing anything to do with VW emissions might be too ‘old’ as a joke even though it is a new news story.

And I was really happy with Viewsjack #2. Who doesn’t like a word-play joke? Simple, easy to understand and funny! VJ#3 also made me chuckle away. The VJ#1 I’m not sure why I needed to pre-face it with ‘posh person’ as I think it makes me out to be a bellend. ANYONE could have said that. What a prat!

Newsjack – Submission 7

Here are the 6 I submitted this week.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. THE UNITED STATES HAVE BEATEN BRITAIN IN THE ‘CALL OF DUTY’ WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL. THEY WON PRIZE MONEY OF ONE MILLION DOLLARS AND 6 MONTH INJUNCTION FROM ANYONE SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THEIR MOTHERS.
  2. THERESA MAY HAS REJECTED THE POINTS-BASED MIGRATION PLAN. A RECENT SPONSORSHIP DEAL WITH NINTENDO HAS HAD NO INFLUENCE ON HER DECISION TO MOVE TO A POKEMON-GO BASED PLAN.
  3. SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A TEA-CUP THAT WILL KEEP YOUR DRINK HOT FOR 30 MINUTES. I’M SO GLAD THEY’VE CURED ALL ILLNESSES AND CAN START WORKING ON THIS FRIVIOLOUS STUFF. ANYONE WHO DOESN’T DRINK THEIR TEA WHEN THEY GET IT, DOESN’T DESERVE THIS SCIENCE OF THE FUTURE.

VIEWSJACK:

  1. I SAVE SO MUCH MONEY WATCHING THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF. THE RECEIPIES ON SCREEN SAVE ME FROM BUYING PAUL HOLLYWOOD’S COOK BOOK AND THE INNUENDOES SAVE ME £3.50 A MINUTE ON ADULT CHAT LINES.
  2. SPORTS DIRECT ARE GOING TO REDUCE THEIR ZERO HOUR CONTRACTS. WILL THEY NOW BE MINUS ONE HOUR?
  3. I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY HAVE OFFERED DANIEL CRAIG £150 MILLION FOR THE NEXT TWO JAMES BOND FILMS, THEY COULD SAVE LOADS OF MONEY BY WATCHING IT AT LOCAL ODEON WHEN THEY ARE RELEASED.

NewsJack – Submission 6 – One liners

One last week and then NewsJack is done for the series. I can stop worrying about whether I should write/submit anything for this. Here are my submissions for the last show in the series.

ONELINERS:

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. A RUGBY PLAYER HAS HAD HIS PENIS NEARLY RIPPED OFF DURING A GAME. IT WAS A DREADFUL LOOKING TACKLE, SAID THE DOCTOR WHO FIRST EXAMINED HIM.
  1. CHRIS EVANS APOLOGIES FOR TOP GEAR STUNT. THIS IS IN PREPARATION FOR HIM HAVING TO APOLOGISE FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE TO TOP GEAR OVERALL.
  2. A RABBIT OWNER IN OZ TRIED TO CONVINCE THE POLICE HER ILLEGAL RABBIT WAS A GUINEA PIG. I HAD SOMETHING SIMILAR. MY GIRLFRIEND BELIEVED ME WHEN I SAID I HAD A MASSIVE SNAKE, UNTIL SHE SAW IT.

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. (AMERICAN ACCENT) WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL WITH ANDERS BREIVIK’S SALUTE ON THE FIRST DAY OF HIS TRIAL? WE’VE BEEN DOING THESE SALUTES AT ALL THE DONALD TRUMP RALLIES FOR WEEKS, DON’T MAKE US NO RACISTS!
  1. I CAN’T BELIEVE TFL CANCELLED A CONTRACT AND PAID NEARLY £100 MILLION FOR A SUPPLIER TO NOT DELIVER TUBE IMPROVEMENTS. I COULD HAVE NOT DELIVERED TUBE IMPROVEMENTS AND I WOULD HAVE CHARGED THEM ONLY £50 MILLION.
  2. I’M GLAD AMAZON DON’T DO AGE CHECKS ON PURCHASES, OTHERWISE I’D NOT BE ALLOWED TO BUY THE LIMITED, COLLECTOR EDITION, HARRY POTTER TOYS. IN UNRELATED NEWS, WHY AM I STILL SINGLE AT 43 YEARS OLD. SINGLEARUS EXPELLARUM!

 

Initial feedback from my Showcase comedy group is that the Chris Evans joke is the weakest. Lets see what the BBC decide to  steal use this week (if anything).