Category: NewsJack

NewsJack is coming back! Get your writing hands warm

Excited! Its nearly time to start writing again!

I just got an email from the BBC

Nish Kumar is back for another series of Newsjack, the open-door topical sketch show filled with sketches, one-liners and voxpops written by the public.

Nish is joined by the best sketch and character comedians on the scene bringing the week’s news stories to life.”

I’m happy about this for 2 reasons.

  1. You can apply for tickets for it via the BBC to attend the recordings for free.
  2. ANYONE can make submissions for it! If it gets broadcast then you get paid!

I have written for Newsjack before but nothing has been broadcast (and therefore nothing has been paid to me!), but I have NEARLY been broadcast! I’ll tell you about that on another blog post.

NewsJack Submission 13 – 10 – 15

This was my NewsJack submission for the 13th October, 2015

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. PLAYBOY IS TO DROP PICTURES OF NAKED WOMEN FROM ITS MAGAZINE. IN UNRELATED NEWS, MILLIONS OF MEN WHO BUY IT ‘JUST FOR THE CAR FEATURES’ HAVE SUDDENLY CANCELLED THEIR SUBSCRIPTIONS.
  2. LEAKED GOVERNMENT REPORTS SAY THAT LEGALISING CANABIS WOULD GENERATE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF POUNDS IN TAX. THIS WOULD BE A NEW ‘MUNCHIE’ TAX ON ANY SNACK FOOD PURCHASED FROM A CORNER SHOP AFTER 11PM.
  3. FACEBOOK PAID LESS THAN £5,000 IN TAX LAST YEAR. AMAZON, STARBUCKS, AND GOOGLE ‘LIKE’ THIS.

VIEWJACK:

  1. I DON’T CARE THAT HOVERBOARDS HAVE BEEN MADE ILLEGAL. IN THE SAME WAY I’M NOT GIVING UP MY TIME TRAVELLING DELORIAN.
  2. IT COST £12 MILLION TO WATCH JULIAN ASSANGE FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS. BUT WHEN I HIDE IN A TREE AND WATCH JANET FROM ACCOUNTS, I GET FINED AND HAVE TO PAY HER MONEY – WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?
  3. ALL THIS TALK ABOUT AN ‘IN/OUT’ REFERENDUM ON EUROPE. I VOTE ‘OUT’ AND THINK WE SHOULD BE PART OF THE BAHAMAS AS THEY HAVE BETTER WEATHER.

Breaking News #3 seems a bit ‘yawn’ now. I thought it would fit the format of the show well but I wasn’t really happy with it. I thought Breaking News #1 was go though. ViewJack #1 was about the fact hoverboards don’t exist, but I think the punchline (re-reading it) just help make that leap at all. I think ViewJack #2 could be better.

  • IT COST £12 MILLION TO WATCH JULIAN ASSANGE FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS. BUT WHEN I HIDE IN A TREE AND WATCH JANET FROM ACCOUNTS, THE POLICE ARREST ME, TAKE ME TO COURT AND I HAVE TO PAY HER MONEY – WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?

its only a small change, but I think it makes it sound better.

ViewJack #3 is one that doesn’t sound right.

  • ALL THIS TALK ABOUT AN ‘IN/OUT’ REFERENDUM ON EUROPE. I VOTE ‘OUT’ AND THINK WE SHOULD JOIN THE CARIBBEAN AS THEY HAVE BETTER WEATHER.

Is that better? Is it not? I’m leaning towards slightly better when it is said out loud.

NewsJack Submission 29 – 09 – 15

These are the submissions I made to NewsJack on the 29th September, 2015

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. JEREMY CORBYN HAS SAID MOST PEOPLE SHARE HIS VALUES. THE TELEGRAPH LED WITH THE HEADLINE ‘RED JED GETS IN YOUR HEAD – HAS THE COMMIE BOUGHT MIND CONTROL DEVICE FROM NORTH KOREA?’
  2. FACEBOOK GOES DOWN FOR A SECOND TIME IN A WEEK. WE APPROACHED A MAN IN THE STREET WHO TOLD US HE HAD JUST HAD A ‘CHEEKY NANDOS’ FOR LUNCH AND HIS GIRLFRIEND HANDED US SOME PHOTOS OF SOME CATS.
  3. DAVID CAMERON HAS SAID HE IS ‘TOO BUSY’ TO SUE LORD ASHCROFT FOR CLAIMS MADE IN HIS BOOK. SEPP BLATTER IS ALSO TOO BUSY TO SUE ANYONE ABOUT THE CLAIMS ABOUT HIM BEING CORRUPT AND ALSO I’M TOO BUSY TO SUE MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT CLAIMING I SPENT LAST NIGHT WITH TRACY FROM ACCOUNTS.

VIEWJACK:

  1. THEY SAY THAT HOW YOU SLEEP REVEALS LOADS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS AND SEX LIFE. I STAY UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY AND DRINKING RED BULL….BUT THAT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP AND SEX LIFE.
  2. WATER HAS BEEN FOUND ON MARS? THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME. I KNEW THEY HAD BEEN GETTING SMALLER, BUT WATERING THEM DOWN AS WELL?
  3. THE FAKE SHEIK HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH PERVERTING THE COURSE OF JUSTICE. I DIDN’T REALISE IT WAS SUCH A SERIOUS OFFENCE! I ONCE HAD AN INCIDENT INVOLVING A FAKE SHEIK. I ASKED FOR VANILLA AND THEY GAVE ME BANANA.

Favourites from this submission are Breaking News #3 as I could really hear this in Nish’s voice (a real strange thing to say but it really did seem like that) and none of these ViewJacks I’m very happy with. Obviously I wrote these just before the submission deadline as I think with a bit of work they could be better. For example

  1. THEY SAY THAT HOW YOU SLEEP REVEALS LOADS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS AND SEX LIFE. I HARDLY SLEEP AS I STAY UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING CALL OF DUTY AND DRINKING RED BULL….BUT THAT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP AND SEX LIFE.

I needed to make reference back to ‘sleep’ and not ‘staying up’. It certainly reads better and that helps it being funny.

  1. THEY HAVE DONE SOME DRILLING AND WATER HAS FINALLY BEEN FOUND IN MARS? THAT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME. I KNEW THEY HAD BEEN GETTING SMALLER, BUT WATERING THEM DOWN AS WELL?

Water ON Mars? That doesn’t make sense for the punchline. Water IN Mars… that makes much more sense. Just not any funnier.

 

NewsJack Submission 21 – 09 – 15

This is my NewsJack submission on the 21st September 2015

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. NICK CLEGG HAS SAID THAT THE LIB DEMS ARE ‘COMEBACK KIDS’…..NO SORRY, THAT SHOULD BE “‘AND DON’T COME BACK’ KIDS”.
  2. JCB TO CUT 400 JOBS DUE TO A MARKET SLUMP. A SPOKESMAN FOR THE COMPANY HAS SAID THIS IS A TEMPORARY SITUATION AS THEY ARE WELL USED FOR DIGGING THEMSELVES OUT OF BIG HOLES.
  3. THE EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF NETWORK RAIL HAS SAID SHE CAN’T RULE OUT A SELL-OFF. INSIDERS HAVE ADVISED THAT IF YOU WISH TO BUY IT TOMORROW MORNING THEN THE PRICE WILL BE HUGE, BUT BUY IT ONLINE, 6 WEEKS IN ADVANCE AND THE PRICE IS MUCH CHEAPER….AS LONG AS YOU HAVE TAKE IT AT A WEEKEND.

VIEWJACK:

  1. ITS NOT JUST VW WHO HAVE BEEN CHEATING IN THEIR EMISSION TESTS. I HAD A GREGGS BAKED BEAN AND EGG SLICE FOR LUNCH YESTERDAY, AND I’VE BLAMED THE DOG FOR ALL THE SMELLS AROUND THE HOUSE
  2. EVERYONE LOVED THAT SEAL WHO WAS SPOTTED SURFING A HUMPBACK WHALE…BUT WHEN I JUMP ON A PENSION DEMANDING A PIGGYBACK SOMEHOW I’M A MONSTER?
  3. I BET YOU’VE HAD A MILLION PEOPLE TALK TO YOU ABOUT A CERTAIN MP THIS WEEK. YOU WONT HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT HIM FROM ME. WHAT? ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR? LISTEN MATE, I DON’T TELL PORKIES……

I think Breaking News # 3 could be improved as it gets a bit sloppy in the middle.

  1. THE EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF NETWORK RAIL HAS SAID SHE CAN’T RULE OUT A SELL-OFF. INSIDERS HAVE ADVISED THAT IF YOU WISH TO BUY IT TODAY THEN THE PRICE WILL BE £5.2 BILLION, BUT BUY IT ONLINE TODAY, 6 WEEKS IN ADVANCE,  AND THE PRICE IS MUCH CHEAPER….AS LONG AS YOU HAVE TAKE IT AT A WEEKEND.

ViewJack #1 should have ’emmisions’ in the punchline

  1. ITS NOT JUST VW WHO HAVE BEEN CHEATING IN THEIR EMISSION TESTS. I HAD A GREGGS BAKED BEAN AND EGG SLICE FOR LUNCH YESTERDAY, AND I’VE BLAMED THE DOG FOR ALL THE EMISSIONS AROUND THE HOUSE

ViewJack #2 should have the correct word in it! (Obviously not proofread by me!)

  1. EVERYONE LOVED THAT SEAL WHO WAS SPOTTED SURFING A HUMPBACK WHALE…BUT WHEN I JUMP ON A PENSIONER DEMANDING A PIGGYBACK SOMEHOW I’M A MONSTER?

ViewJack #3 was supposed to have this punchline but then it felt like the joke didn’t make sense. So I changed it and it just didn’t seem as funny.

  1. I BET YOU’VE HAD A MILLION PEOPLE TALK TO YOU ABOUT A CERTAIN MP THIS WEEK. YOU WONT HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT HIM FROM ME. WHAT? ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR? LISTEN MATE, I DON’T DO PORKIES……

NewsJack Submission 21 – 09 – 15 – Sketch

I thought I’d try doing a sketch, to see whether that would increase my chance of being included in the show. It didn’t work! I did think it was quite funny, and that’s what counts, right?

NEWS STORY REFERENCES / RELEVANT LINK

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34282849

It was discovered that someone bought Stonehenge about 100 years ago as a present for his wife….This sketch is related to that.

(Scene)

A guy gets in late one night, his girlfriend is waiting up for him,

 

EXPLAIN THAT HENGE

  1. GRAMS: Door shutting
  2. Mister: (drunk)Darling I’m home.
  3. Missus : (grumpy) Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick.
  4. Mister : (playfully) I’ve brought you a present!
  5. Missus : (instantly happier)You shouldn’t have! What have I told you.
  6. Mister : Guess what it is?
  7. Missus : It could be anything…. Well at least give me a clue.
  8. Mister: I’m pretty sure its something you’ve always wanted.
  9. Missus : No….you haven’t got me a….
  10. Mister : Maybe….. Think big.
  11. Missus : My friends have been telling me this is happening…..does it have a big ‘rock’
  12. Mister : More than one….
  13. Missus : Is it bigger than Mrs. Jones from next door? She’s been showing it off to everyone.
  14. Mister : I’m pretty sure its bigger than anyone else’s.
  15. Missus : Oh My God! I can’t believe this is finally happening – shouldn’t you be getting down on one knee?
  16. Mister : Err…I think you may have got the wrong end of the stick here.
  17. Missus : (missing previous comment) Everyone will be so jealous.
  18. Mister : I think you might be confused…. I’ve not go you a ring…. I’ve got you something BETTER….and BIGGER.
  19. Missus : Two rings?
  20. Mister: No, its not a ring. Its for telling the time [aside] apparently.
  21. Missus: You’ve got me a watch? With diamonds?
  22. Mister: Diamonds? Watch? No….I bought you a Henge.
  23. Missus: A what?!!!!
  24. Mister: A Henge!
  25. Missus: What in the name of the gods is a Henge? And anyway you said it was a diamond!
  26. Mister: I said it was some big rocks….which it is. Its completely made out of stone.
  27. Missus : You bought me A stone henge?
  28. Mister: No….I bought you THE Stonehenge.
  29. Missus : And why did you buy me that?
  30. Mister : I was at a charity auction. I’d had a bit to drink…you know how it is…
  31. Missus : A HENGE!!!?!!
  32. Mister : I’d just lost out on a round of Golf with Ian Botham and there was only one lot left.
  33. Missus : Why did you bid on it?
  34. Mister : I couldn’t come home with nothing, I’d been gone all day!
  35. Missus : How much did you spend on it?
  36. Mister : Well Rachel Riley was the auctioneer and she was saying she was so impressed with my bidding that I should bid some more.
  37. Missus: HOW MUCH!?
  38. Mister : Did I mention I had had a lot to drink?
  39. Missus : I can’t believe this.
  40. Mister: only £6600.
  41. Missus : ONLY?
  42. Mister : Well in about 100 years from now it would work out at just under 3/4 of a million pounds.
  43. Missus : You are impossible!
  44. Mister : It could be worse…..your brother Dave won the Isle of Wight…..how is going to explain THAT to his wife.

NewsJack Submission 14 – 08 – 15

This is the submission I made to NewsJack on the 14th August, 2015.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. A STOLEN DIAMOND HAS BEEN SURGICALLY REMOVED FROM A LADIES BOTTOM. APPARENTLY HER LAST WORDS TO HER BOYFRIEND WERE, “MARRY YOU? I’D RATHER SHOVE THAT RING UP MY ARSE!”
  2. THE TRIAL OF 6 WOMEN WHO LAUNCHED A PYRAMID SCHEME HAS COST BRISTOL CROWN COURT £1.4 MILLION POUNDS. IT SOUNDS EXCESSIVE BUT IF THE COURT CAN FIND 6 OTHER COURTS THAT WILL INVEST £1.4 MILLION POUNDS EACH THEN IT CAN EXPECT TO EASILY TRIPLE ITS MONEY.
  3. DAVID CAMERON TOOK TO TWITTER TO ANNOUNCE JEREMY CORBYN AS A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY. NICK CLEGG WAS SEEN TO REPLY, “R U ALRIGHT HUN?” AND TWITTER USER @POTUS CHIPPED IN WITH, “STAY STRONG. – WE GOT YO BACK SMILEYFACE WINKY FACE #THERESNOPLACELIKEDRONE?”

VIEWJACK:

  1. “I’VE FINALLY DECIDED TO GET THIS NEW APPLE IPHONE 6S. APPLE SAY IT IS THE BEST PHONE EVER…IF THAT’S TRUE, I DOUBT THEY WILL RELEASE ANY MORE AFTER THIS ONE….”
  2. I HEARD ON THE NEWS THAT THE QUEEN NOW HOLDS THE LONGEST REIGN EVER. I KNOW IT IS FAR AWAY, BUT HOW COME NO-ONE TELLS YOU WHAT IT IS ATTACHED TO?
  3. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE ISSUE IS WITH LETTING ALL THE REFUGEES INTO THE UK. I LOVED THAT SONG, “KILLING ME SOFTLY”

 

My favourite jokes are Breaking New #2 and I really liked ViewJack #3….but there is a special place in my heart for ViewJack #2 for its silliness. Not the usual type of joke I write but it did make me chuckle!

NewsJack Submission 11 – 03 – 15

This is my submission for NewsJack on the 11th of March, 2015.

My first ever one. At this point I wasn’t even confident of writing a 3rd ViewsJack! I also only wrote about 1 topic for the oneliners and I think this was a bad decision. The news article was Robin Thicke/Pharrell being sued by Marvin Gaye’s family about ‘Blurred Lines’.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. WHEN DOES IMITATING A SONG BECOME COPYING A SONG? IF ONLY WE HAD A PHRASE THAT COULD DESCRIBE THIS ‘GREY AREA’?
  2. PHARELL WILLIAMS HAS SAID HE WILL APPEAL AFTER BEING FOUND GUILTY OF COPYING ANOTHER SONG. IN A STATEMENT MADE AFTER THE COURT RULING HE SAID, “IS THIS THE REAL LIFE? OR IS THIS JUST FANTASY? CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE RULING, NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY….”
  3. ROBIN THICKE HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF COPYING…. MYSOGNISITIC VIEWS FROM THE 1980’S.

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. MAN: I CAN’T BELIEVE CLARKSON HAS BEEN SACKED FOR PUNCHING SOMEONE. I WOULD HAVE BET MY LIFE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR YET ANOTHER RACIST COMMENT.
  2. WOMAN: UNLESS THE TV POLITICAL DEBATE BETWEEN CAMERON AND MILIBAND HAS AN X-FACTOR STYLE SING-OFF, I’M NOT WATCHING.

Look at those ViewJacks! They are so poor and hack I deserved to not have them performed!