Category: NewsJack

Brain Firing Session 1 – NewsJack 2018 New Series

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. Samsung Enters the Crypto-currency chip business. Experts think this will cause an increase in Phishing leading to a tasty Friday supper.
  2. Librarian jailed after selling stolen books on eBay. She was sentenced to 8 months and her borrowing card will be held onto until the books are returned.
  3. Roy Orbison to return as a Hologram for a new UK tour. Although it was technically difficult, the IT team involved said, “Anything you want, you got it”
  4. Birds Eye Fish Finger advert banned over concerns from safety groups after showing kids jump off a boat into the sea. Wow! It wasn’t due to old bearded men using food to tempt children into a boat.

 

NUMBER CRUNCHING

  1. 14.8 Million : The number of Nintendo Switch console that has now outsold the Wii U
    14.8 Million : The number of Nintendo Switch consoles that wont be turned on in 3 month’s time.
  2. £205 : What some unique £1 coins are worth.
    £205 : what all £1 coins might be worth soon after Brexit
  3. $3Billion : Amazon’s 2017 Pre-Tax Profits
    $3Billion : Amazon’s 2017 Post-Tax Profits

NewsJack is back (again!)

NewsJack is Back

I’m looking forward to submitting more stuff for the show. There was a good Q&A session on Twitter today for people to get more information about the show and what needs to be included.

Something I’m going to try to do is write a page of submissions each day. They may not be good. They may even be bad. But hopefully it will get my brain going.

Lets see how it works.

NewsJack Submission 12-9-17

I found this on my computer.

uploading it but not sure which episode it was for.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. Monkey selfie court case reaches settlement. There was lots of ‘oooos’ and ‘aaaaaaaah’ from the public gallery as the Macaque family members celebrated.
  2. 130 tonne ‘fatberg’ found in London sewer. I did think we’ve not seen or heard from the President of the United States recently
  3. Boris Johnson is flying to the Caribbean after the devastation of Hurricane Irma.  Locals have questioned this decision saying they have already suffered enough.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

  1. 10. Number of years since the original iPhone was released.
    10. Number of meters away from a power socket iPhone owners will risk going before hurrying back to charge them.
  2. 100. The number of people arrested at London arms fair this week.
    Zero. The number of arms dealers arrested at London arms fair this week.
  3. 8. Record number of organs donated by one girl.
    Zero. Number of donations Nigel Farage can make as he has no back-bone, no heart and no brain.

Back In Time – Newsjack Sketch Submission

Tony Blair throws his 2 pence into the EU migration discussion. Although now, with the pound collapsing against the euro its probably worth less than a penny.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-41216679

Back in Time

FX:                              Thunderbold

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        Marty! We did it! We have arrived in London in 2017!

MARTY:                                 You are crazy doc I can’t believe it!

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        You better believe it! Here, turn on the radio.

FX:                              Radio Crackle and tuning into station

NEWS PRESENTER:         And there we have it. Tony Blair giving his opinion on EU migration curbs. Coming up next, This week’s Eastenders….Phil Mitchel has a run in with ….[Fade Out]

MARTY:                                 There’s gotta be something up with your computer, Doc. This sounds like we are back in the 1990’s Britain not nearly 30 years later.

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        Let me try another radio station.

FX:                              Radio Crackle and tuning into station

DJ PRESENTER:                Its a great top 40 album chart we have for you this week. Eminem is up 4 places, Oasis rise 3 and The Verve have a new entry into this weel’s chart! Coming up next, the Foo Fighters…..[fade out]

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        This can’t be right! The computers are never wrong.

MARTY:                                 I don’t know, Doc. Maybe it was the millennium bug or something.

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        Lets check one more time before we head back.

FX:                              Radio Crackle and tuning into station

NEWS PRESENTER:         ….Tensions are high right now as the whole world looks on. At a time when we have enjoyed world peace for what feels like a generation, the fear now of a nuclear attack from the east is a serious possiblity. The President of the United States has said that…….[Fade Out]

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        This can’t be right. I think we should go home.

MARTY:                                 Let me set the co-ordinates…we need to go to somewhere when everything seems normal. We’re gonna head back to the good old US of A in the 2000s. Arnie is governor of California, There is a Bush in White House and hopefully I can finish watching the rest of Lost!

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        When this baby hits 88mph we are going to see some serious Sh…

MARTY:                                 Sorry Doc! Congestion charge zone. We’re going to have to take a left here and head out to the M3 before we can hit that kind of speed!

FX:                              Thunderbold

END

Facebookski – NewsJack Sketch Submission

Facebook uncovers massive Russian funded mis-information campaign

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-41182519

Facebookski

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound.

ANDREI:                                Hillary Clinton! 25 facts about her email servers. Number 17 will blow you away.

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound.

ANASTASIA:                         Andrei likes this!

FX:                              Keyboard typing sounds

SERGEY:                              Hey Guys. Check out this link! It shows people in the capitalist pig country of the America going out in a hurricane and stealing shoes!

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X2

ANASTASIA:                        Andrei & Sergey likes this!

FX:                              Keyboard typing sounds

ANDREI:                                Can you guess how long the next US Communications Secretary will be in the role? Place bets now!

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X3

ANASTASIA:                        Katya, Andrei & Sergey likes this!

FX:                              Keyboard typing sounds

SERGEY:                              Which communist leader are you? Take this Buzzfeed quiz Chairman Mao – don’t be Stalin to take this quiz.

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X2

ANASTASIA:                        Katya & Sergey likes this!

FX:                              Furious Keyboard typing sounds

ANDREI:                                Comrade Andrei, why do you not like my post? Do I need to report you to Validimir directly?

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X3

ANASTASIA:                        Katya, Andrei & Sergey likes this!

ANDREI:                                That’s better! Now have you finished creating your twitter accounts?

SERGEY:                              Yes! I’m up to ‘John436383’. That is 436382 accounts created today. For some reason someone is already posting as ‘John342342’.

ANDREI:                                Did they have a profile picture of an egg?

SERGY:                                 No, it was a white flag with a red cross and he talked about being England being for the English…but he spelt England I N G L U N D.

ANDREI:                                Don’t worry about him, that’s one of our top operatives in Europe, Vika, she is trying to destabilise the UK government.

SERGEY:                              It looks like she is doing a great job! She has already been retweeted by N. Farage, B. Johnson and someone called P. Nuttal.

ANDREI:                                I’ve never heard of any of them. Anyway, time to get back on to facebook. What have you got planned next?

SERGEY:                              It’s a quiz about a love which is rejected by most people but that doesn’t stop you still pursuing it.  It might feel wrong and people might judge you badly but we think it is really going to get the engagement across the social network and all the news outlets.

ANDREI:                                Sounds amazing! What is it?

SERGEY:                              “Ignore the haters! Is your love the real deal? Then don’t be shy! Let the whole world know! Take our Donald and Ivanka ‘love has no boundaries’ quiz to see what you’d do to enter the presidentship!”

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X10

END

Newsjack is Back!

After seeing both Nish and Angela at ARGCOMFEST I was thinking it was about time that Newsjack came back on the radio. Today I was emailed by the BBC to say it is back.

First show is the 13th September so I guess submissions will be around the end of the first week of September.

Time to get into the writing mindset.

Submission 14 – NewsJack – One-Liners

Its that time of the week again. I need to write some one-liners for a radio show that I wont appear on and they wont use. It seems like a waste of time really, but I still do it. I think I’d have given up ages ago if they’d not actually paid me for one of them.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. SEARCH ENGINES ARE TO DEMOTE PIRATE SITES IN THEIR DISPLAYED RESULTS. RETAILERS ARE OUTRAGED DUE TO A DROP IN SALES OF WOODEN LEGS, EYE PATCHES AND PARROTS.
  2. JEREMY HUNT HAS EXPLAINED THAT HOSPITAL CUTS PLANNED IN MOST OF ENGLAND ARE NO CAUSE FOR CONCERN AS THAT’S HOW THEY START ALL SURGERIES.
  3. HEATHROW AIRPORT OFFICIALS DENY DETAINING LINDSEY LOHAN FOR 2 HOURS DUE TO RACIAL PROFILING, WHILE WEARING A HEADSCARF. THE PUT OUT A STATEMENT SAYING, “DID YOU SEE ‘I KNOW WHO KILLED ME?’ THAT’S TWO HOURS OF OUR LIVES WE’LL NEVER GET BACK AND FELT MS LOHAN SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE SAME EXPERIENCE.

As always a mixed bag from me. I struggled to find articles however I did think this morning that I’d not be submitting anything today and this week would just be the single sketch I submitted yesterday. However, due to a number of meetings being cancelled last minute I was able to throw together 3 ‘Breaking News’ jokes. The first one was after seeing a Pirate based headline. How could you not want to write a joke with a media Pirate/high seas Pirate punchline? So I did. The second BN was changed at the last minute as originally it started with ‘MPs have explained’ but just before I submitted I re-read them and felt it needed to be Jeremy Hunt. So it was. I do like including Jeremy in my submissions. The total Hunt.

I nearly didn’t have a 3rd BN however I saw the Linsay Lohan was ‘racially profiled’ at heathrow due to wearing a headscalf. I expanded this out to being ‘detained’ to help make the joke work. It is also very long for a one-liner but, as I always say, Fuck the Police.

NUMBER CRUNCHING:

  1. 24 HOURS: NEW TUBE STRIKE THIS WEEK.
    24 MINUTES: AMOUNT OF WORK PEOPLE WILL DO DURING THEIR NEW DAY OF ‘WORKING FROM HOME’.
  2. 470,000: NUMBER OF CARS IN THE UK THAT VOLKSWAGEN HAVE ‘FIXED’ DUE TO EMISSIONS SCANDAL.
    200,000: NUMBER OF CARS INDEPENDENTLY VERIFIED AS BEING FIXED.
  3. 4 YEARS: AMOUNT THE EU WANT THE UK TO STILL CONTRIBUTE FUNDS AFTER BREXIT.
    FOR YEARS: HOW LONG BREXIT VOTERS WILL WHINGE ON ABOUT HOW THE REMAINERS AREN’T SUPPORTING THEIR SHIT-STORM OF AN IDEA.

Number Crunching was a real grind this week. All written 10 minutes before the deadline. There is a strike in London on the tubes and the headline was ’24 hour strike’ which was one of the few number based headlines I saw. Expand this out to the impact on workers and lots more people will be working from home. Lets pretend they only actually work for 24 minutes when they work from home. Its certainly not true for me. I work ace at home (*waves to boss*) but also I walk to work so tube strikes don’t affect me even though I live in that London.

The 2nd NC was another volkswagen headline. Not my strongest work and I find jokes about the emmision scandal don’t tend to appear in the show. Correctly so as it isn’t really head-line news anymore. But as sure as night follows day I’ll shoe-horn in a joke if I need to.

The final NC was a great joke…but I felt the wording just wasn’t nailed on. 4 years/For years needs an inflection for people to recognise them as different things otherwise its just 4 years/4 years which, although true, isn’t the joke I’m trying to make.

So the full number of one-liners this week submitted on time. Lets see if any are funny enough to make the performance OR the broadcast.

Submission 14 – NewsJack – Sketches

Here we go again. Another week and nothing written until 2 hours before the deadline. Nothing I’ve written so far (as a sketch) has got anywhere near broadcast so I’ve lost a little a faith in the process.

Trawling the news websites today nothing really jumped out so I had a think about some of the other sketches that have been broadcast and they all seem to follow a similar pattern and only 1 or 2 of them actually could be said to be about a unique news story. For this reason I decided to just write a Brexit sketch (What? Another one of them with the millions of other submissions they will receieve) and I would then find a  Brexit news article to shoe-horn it against.

The theme of the sketch was to be ‘Brexit as a Burger King request’ with an idea of ‘have it your way, with BK’ structure. As usual it contains Teresa May and Boris Johnson. There is a guest appearance from Michel Barnier to mix it up a little. I decided to make him speak french. I thought it was a good touch and something to make the french speakers chuckle and people who don’t speak french will still get the joke.

Finally, another crappy ending to sketch. The NewsJack editorial team always suggest having your ended sorted first and then build to it but I never do and as such my sketches don’t finish well. Maybe it will impress someone in the writers team? Who knows? Who cares?

With no further ado (sorry for all the additional ‘ado’ I’ve prefaced this with).

Welcome To Brexit King

Submission 13 – NewsJack – One-liners

This week was a hard week. I really felt I’d lost my mojo. I went to see Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer last week and it put me in a good mood.

I don’t know what caused the funk to surround me but neither the sketches or the one-liners really felt like they hit home.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. DUREX BUYS A BABY-FOOD COMPANY. A SPLIT IN THE COMPANY DURING THIS BIG SPURT HAS BEEN EXPECTED BUT THE TRUE RESULTS MAY ONLY BE SEEN IN 9 MONTHS TIME.
  2. SHOCKING NEWS AS CHARLES BRONSON PROPOSES TO HIS SOAPSTAR ACTRESS GIRLFRIEND AND SHE SAID …(EASTENDERS DUM DUMS SOUND FX)
  3. UK SKILL SHORTAGE LEADS TO DYSON BEING PUSHED TO ASIA. MANY DOUBT THE CORDLESS VACUUM CLEANER WILL GET FURTHER THAN FRANCE BEFORE REQUIRING EMPTYING AND CHARGING.

NUMBER CRUNCHING:

  1. £4.6 BILLION: ROLLS ROYCE’S LARGEST EVER REPORTED LOSS

£30: UNAPPROVED OVERDRAFT CHARGE MADE BY THEIR BANK

  1. £20: HOW MUCH BETTER OFF PENSIONERS ARE A WEEK THAN WORKING

£20: EXACT INCREASE IN COST OF ELECTRIC BAR HEATERS AND WERTHERS ORIGINALS

  1. 100: PEOPLE INVOLVED IN MASS BRAWL INSIDE A WEATHERSPOONS

100: PEOPLE WHO MIS-UNDERSTOOD THAT IT WAS THE MEAL DEAL FREE DRINKS MENU THAT NOW INCLUDED A PUNCH.

 

The durex joke started forming when I was looking for sketches. It did have a couple re-writes but I’m still not happy with the final product. The 2nd Breaking News joke isn’t right as his girlfriend was a Coronation Street actress but the ‘Wah Wahs’ aren’t as well known as the ‘Enders ‘Dum Dums’. Breaking News number 3 was the last one written. I saw a little story about Dyson which said, ‘Skills Shortage Pushes Dyson to Asia’ and figured there would be a joke in there. I ended up with the above but I still feel the joke could be made punchier.

Number Crunching was much harder this week.

NC#1 – Its the same joke I’ve sent in before. the late payment/unapproved OD/etc appeared before but I thought I’d try it for Rolls Royce. Who knows, they might like it this time?!

NC#2 – this was more of me trying to find a joke about a popular number that was in the news. The £20 better offer being a pension was in the news and is something people would recognise. Electric bar heaters and wethers for old people is a little hack but who cares, they aren’t going to use it anyway.

NC#3 – another new article using numbers – 100 people involved in a punch up. Really couldn’t get this written correctly and I wasn’t happy with the final draft although it was better than earlier ones.

Not much really to report this week. Fire and Forget. Roll on next week’s submission and hopefully things will improve.

What a Hunt – NewsJack Sketch Submission

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-38926697

Jeremy Hunt says NHS is unacceptable.

Title – What a Hunt

 

Jeremy:                      darling. I have something to tell you.

Mrs hunt:                   what is it, my love.

Donald:                      I’ve recently found something out and I feel it is only right to tell you I know.

Advisor 2:                  I don’t understand?

Donald:                      Sit down.

Advisor 1:                  I’m sat down.

Donald:                      It has come to my attention that there is an issue with our relationship.

Mrs. Hunt:                  But you’ve been telling me everything is ok.

Jeremy:                      I know but after closer examination, I’ve found that’s no longer the truth.

Mrs. Hunt:                  So what is the problem?

Jeremy:                      After much investigation I have discovered something of the gravest consequence.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Yes, but what have you discovered?

Jeremy:                      That the most serious of actions have been taken.

Mrs. Hunt:                  I understand that bit…but what has happened.

Jeremy:                      Papers have been handed to me that have identified INFIDELITY!

Mrs. Hunt:                  Infidelity? But I’ve always been faithful to you Jeremy.

Jeremy:                      SERIOUS infidelity.

MRs. Hunt:                But its not me? It can’t be. I love you and have never been unfaithful.

Jeremy:                      The source of this information has been very clear, its me.

Mrs. Hunt:                  You are the source?

Jeremy:                      No, I’m the one has been unfaithful.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Jeremy?

Jeremy:                      Let me finish. I have noticed that I’ve been spending a lot more time with my secretary and as such we have grown closer and closer.

Mrs. Hunt:                  I don’t believe it.

Jeremy:                      Closer and closer. And 2 years ago I was found to be having an affair with her.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Oh Jeremy, what have you done?

Jeremy:                      I don’t know. But what I do know it is unacceptable and need to change.

Mrs. Hunt:                  So you’ve ended the relationship with her then?

Jeremy:                      We don’t know what we can do to change the situation….

Mrs. Hunt:                  You could end the relationship with her?

Jeremy:                      …but I have a top set of advisors looking at what has happened and what we can do to improve the situation in the future.

Mrs. Hunt:                  So you haven’t ended the relationship?

Jeremy:                      These grave accusations have turned out to be true and no-one is more upset than me.

Mrs. Hunt:                  err… I might be.

Jeremy:                      No-one can understand the pain and hurt this is causing me and I look forward to discovering a solution to the in the future.

Mrs. Hunt:                  Jeremy! I can suggest a solution.

Jeremy:                      Once the full investigation into the solution has concluded I will approach this with the full and frank discussions that will be required with the cause of this or my name isn’t Jeremy Cu…

Mrs. Hunt:                  Hunt!

 

END