Month: March 2021

NewsJack Series 24 Episode 4

Last chance saloon. I hope I can take these seriously! (I wont, but I am at least trying!)

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. Greggs makes it first loss in 36 years – 14 million pounds. It turns out they haven’t been making the dough they expected.
  2. Piers Morgan brands Jedward ‘Talentless Clowns’. Failing to make a mark on a talent show, no longer on TV, and desperate for attention – Piers Morgan still continues to give his opinion on Twitter.
  3. Man loses £400k to bitcoin scam. To find out the rest of this story please email your bank account number, sort code and pin to the team here at NewsJack

I don’t know whether they like puns or not. But I love a pun so BN1 was going in! I also thought they’d be happy with a Piers Morgan joke but they were not. The Bitcoin scam joke is obvious but it was back in the news again. So I submitted (again).

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. Its been a good week for Prince Philip who is now back home after spending a month in hospital after a heart procedure. Its been a bad week for bookies who now regret taking ‘those’ bets….
2. Its been a bad week for women, who are having to protest and march to have their voices heard by government. Its been a good week for statues as the police are making sure they are all kept safe.
3. Its been a bad week for The Mash Report after it is axed by the BBC.Its been a good week for NewsJack as although it is has been on for a 24 series, that is over 140 in dog years, the BBC has said that tomorrow it is taking it to its favourite beach, then it will have a big juicy steak for lunch, then in the afternoon it will be taken to go for what it is being told is a ‘lovely long sleep’ – where it will meet all its old friends ‘They Think Its All Over’, ‘Never Mind The Buzzcocks’, ‘Big Train’ and ‘The 99p Challenge’ – but most importantly, it wont be in pain any more. Sounds Ace! I can’t wait!

Never, in the complete history of time, would they use GWBW1. But its the last week so what the hell. 2 Might have been ignored due to the sensitivity of the situation, and I understand but I know a lot of people have been making jokes about statues now having more rights that women.

GWBW3 was a beauty! I loved writing it but see I had a grammar mistake early on. Damn me for not paying proper attention. With The Mash Report being axed AND it being the last show of the series I thought this would be a great joke to end on. Instead they went for this.

“Its been a good week for actor and activist Riz Ahmed who has been nominated for a best actor Oscar. Its been a bad week for British Right-Wingers who are worried about the prospect of another woke lefty getting their hands on a statue.”

Not only do I think my joke would have been better to end the show and the series, but also my joke would have been better to end the show and the series. 😀

NewsJack Series 24 Episode 3

I’m struggling and it isn’t helping knowing I only have two epsiodes left to submit.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. Amazon opens Till-less shop in London where you pick up the items you want then just walk out the door. You can do the same at Asda, Tesco, and Waitrose as long as you can run faster than the security guards.
  2. A 9 year old boy passes his maths GCSE 7 years early, after homeschooling with his dad. His Dad hopes to pass them next year.
  3. Government ministers debate Full-Fibre broadband expansion. Home-owners are looking for a smooth deployment with little mess left behind.

Till-less shops were back in the news but I think this was a topic for jokes a few years ago. I went with this punchline. I liked joke 2 because it was silly and joke 3 because it is about pooooooo and I’m 14 years old. I didn’t think Joke 2 or 3 would have a chance. Joke 1 was a bit obvious but I went for it anyway.

GOOD WEEK / BAD WEEK:
1. Its been a bad week for a millionaire dad after courts rule he should pay £150,000 a month for his 4 year old daughter to have designer clothes. Its been a good week for his ex who was able to buy the complete school uniform from Asda and now has £149,980 left to spend on herself.
2. Its been a good week for a woman in New York who discovered a complete apartment hidden behind her mirror. Its been a bad week for her neighbour who wants to know why she broke into her flat.
3. Its been a good week for vaccinated people in the US as they can now meet without masks. Its been a bad week for vaccinated people in the US as they risk being confused with Anti-Maskers

GWBW1 has a joke somewhere. I didn’t feel I got to it but I wrote it anyway. It had a number of re-writes (rare for me) but nothing hit the mark. #2 I felt was a joke but the badweek punchline didn’t hit either. It was there, and funny, but was certainly lacking something. I never thought Newsjack would do this joke but I wrote it anyway. Gangsta4lif!

NewsJack Series 24 Episode 2

Its a short series this time with only 4 episodes.


BREAKING NEWS:

1. Rishi Sunak is set to announce a £400 million budget for boosting the arts sector. This should be enough to pay for a pair of front row tickets to Hamilton
2. New coal mine plan could damage PMs reputation. Known for the dirt they dig up, ruining the english countryside and toxic emissions - the Prime Minister doesn’t worry about his reputation.
3. £1.6 Billion has been added to the Covid Vaccination program to support additional doses. After the deduction of introduction fees, bonus payments, referral fees, service costs and donations to the Conservative party, doctors are looking forward to being able to offer the vaccine to 10’s of additional people.

Joke one would be lost on anyone who doesn’t know that Hamilton was the hot ticket. And with everything closed, probably not worth wasting a oneliner on. Joke 2 I really struggled with as there is a much better punchline in there somewhere. I wont ever find it but it is there. I loved joke 3 and I think I’ve written jokes like this for Newsjack before – they never use them but it is the kind of joke you would hear on HIGNFY.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:I
Its been a bad week for Londoners as the ‘affordable housing plan’ has been scaled back. Its been a good week for fans of seeing huge tower blocks empty as foreign investment companies are still buying!
Its been a good week for a woman who found £185k of whale vomit while at the beach. Its been a bad week for my dry cleaners as the vomit on my jacket is pretty much worthless.
Its been a good week for the company behind the ‘Zoom’ software as it predicts continued growth for 2021. Its been a bad week for Gillette with losses due to the continued growth of beards.

GWBW 1 is probably too ‘London’ and I’m not sure if the punchline is that punchy. Always the way with me. #2 is autobiographical having vomited up a new jacket’s sleeve. Needs a shorter punchline. I liked number 3 and thought I was in with a shot. Reader, I was not in with a shot!