Month: February 2019

NewsJack Series 20 Episode 4 Update

I was at Mark Watson’s Comedy Marathon when this email came in. I’d not attended the whole show but knew it ended at midnight so I’d not hear the Newsjack episode. I did schedule it to Download on my phone and would listen to it on my commute to work.

Chatting to my comedy chums they felt it was probably the F1 joke.

I thought it was going to be the ‘No-gotiating’ joke.

Turned out we were all wrong.

It was the Ed Milliband sandwich joke.

Listen to the episode here.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0002r85

Newsjack Series 20 Episode 4

Another week, another Newsjack submission.

I’m chatting with some of the guys from the last comedy course I did and sharing my writings with them. I’ve been doing it to help encourage them to write and show them what I’m writing.

Here are my submissions this week.

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:

  1. A police detective faces the sack after farting in front of colleagues. She denies the accusation saying, “It’s a load of old guff”.
  2. Housebuilders Persimmon’s annual profit has topped £1billion. Or £800million if you pay cash and we ignore the VAT.
  3. Lewis Hamilton is on Day 5 of the F1 testing. Soon he hopes to test the other function keys

I thought these were quite fun. My comedy-writing group chums felt that the F1 joke was a good one. My concern was I’m certainly not the first person to do an ‘F1/F1’ joke but I thought I’d give it a go for Newsjack. The housebuilder one was a bit lazy but I liked the headline it was from .

The fart joke – there had to be one. Finding that news article was a godsend. I liked the joke.


NEWSJACKIPEDIA:

No-gotiating – Presenting the same deal back to the EU and asking them for more concessions knowing that they will refuse.

a Cheeky Nandos – a photo opportunity to pretend that you and your new friends are just like normal members of the public.

Katie Price – The financial cost of drink driving.

I really liked the ‘No-gotiating’. The rest were a bit rushed as I struggle with these.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

  1. Its been a bad week for The Independent Group as people analyse the group dinner they had in a Nandos.
    But it’s been a good week for Ed Milliband as everyone has now forgotten about his bacon sandwich face.
  2. Its been a bad week for Kepa Arrizabalaga who refused to be substituted in the Cup Final.
    Its a good week for me at work as I’m about to try refusing anything my boss asks me to do. Wish me luck!
  3. Its been a bad week for black cab drivers as they lose their court battle to cancel Uber’s licence in London.
    But it’s been a good week for Prius car salesmen, phone-mount manufacturers and people who make plastic seat covers.

Struggled with the good week/bad week as well. The Uber joke – I had the link to the black cab drivers but couldn’t think of the opposite to make it a joke. What I ended up with was rushed and didn’t feel right.

What am I doing making a joke about Kepa Arrizabalaga? I know nothing about football. I liked the concept for this joke but, once again, I didn’t feel it ended correctly.

NewsJack Series 20 Episode 3

This week I sent in some good week/bad weeks.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. Network Rail have asked for £80 Million to protect the train track from the sea at Dawlish or otherwise travellers will have to use the congested roads. A company spokesman has said, “Its my way, or the highway.”
  2. The artist Ai Weiwei has hit out at being censored in his latest project. A Chinese Censorship Official has said, “Its my way, or the Ai Weiwei.”
  3. The US government wants to ban the use Huawei in their IT infrastructure, instead using their own US brand electronics. A US Government Official has said that America has two options, “Its my way, or the Huawei.”

I wrote 2 & 3 and then decided that i’d have to find something else to make a trio of ‘my way or the high way’ jokes. I didn’t think the NewsJack team would use them. They would have had to have used all 3 or none and I doubted they’d use all 3. I was right!

I did write a 3rd joke that wasn’t in the theme.

“The UK’s only manufacturer of display fireworks has gone into administration. It was thought it would go out with a band, but turned out to be a damp squib.”

Much more a NewsJack joke. But they’ll never use it now I’ve not sent it in!

NEWSJACKIPEDIA:

  1. A Funny Tinge – The shade you go after using inappropriate words to describe people of colour.
  2. Border Walling – The excuse you make to your partner so they let you go out drinking with friends. A made up state of emergency.
  3. Hondaring – To pretend you don’t want to leave a situation when secretly you’ve wanted to go for ages.

They must have got a million ‘Funny Tinge’ jokes and I didn’t want to be left out!

Another wall reference from Twon? Surely not.

Hondaring – I liked this. They didn’t. They were wrong!

and now for the good week/bad week.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

  1. It’s been a bad week for Netflix Fans as neither Jessica Jones or The Punisher gets renewed. But it’s been a good week for everyone else who have two less series to pretend they will watch when their friends recommend them.
  2. It’s been a bad week for Wolves as they have been drawn against Manchester United in the FA Cup Quarter Round. But it’s been a good week for Wolves as all they had planned was running around in a pack and howling at the moon.
  3. It’s been a bad week for People of Colour as Angela Smith describes them as having ‘a funny tinge’. But it’s been a good week for Crayola as were just about to release a new crayon and weren’t sure what to call the colour.

I couldn’t find a way I was entirely happy to word the first one.

2. I liked because it is silly.

3. Fancied using ‘funny tinge’ again. So sue me.

Nothing got broadcast.


NewsJack Series 20 Episode 2

Another Week. Another NJ Submission

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. Taxi Drivers to face criminal record checks. Concerns have been raised that police will find copies of Milli Vanilli’s “Girl You Know Its True” or Kajagoogoo’s “Too Shy”.
  2. The Government is being sued for rushing through a contract of £14 Million for Seabourne Freight to supply no ferries. They should have come to me, I’d have supplied them with no ferries for just £10 million.
  3. Roughly 1.8 million complaints to the council about unemptied bins in the last year. Roughly 1.8 million votes between leave and remain in the Brexit Referendum. Co-incidence? I think not.

Taxi Driver joke – I spent longer than I should have trying to decide on dodgy albums. Just before submission I swapped them round as I felt ‘Kajagoogoo’ needed to go last.

I’m sure I’ve submitted somethign like the 2nd joke before.

I liked the 3rd joke. I am embelishing the truth a little as I think it was 1.4 million more people voted ‘leave’. It felt like a NewsJack joke but there was a worry they might not want to do something that supported remain. Turns out they didnt.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:

  1. ‘Farage’ – Something you flush down the toilet and it disappears but sometime later it re-appears back in the bowl.
  2. ‘Maypole Dancing’ – distracting people with a carefully orchestrated dance where, when you finish it, you end up exactly where you started, but tied up in tape you can’t escape.
  3. ‘Walling’ –  An American act of self-harm designed to show the right-wing you mean business in keeping those foreigners out. (see also ‘Brexiting’)

Farage – funny.

Maypole Dancing. It was about her going back to europe to ‘renegotiate’. Only after I submitted I thought they might link it just to her dancing from last year.

Walling. I like this format (see also…) but Newsjack don’t. Their loss!

I’d not noticed the new section of goodweek/bad week. At least they have got rid of the numberjacks. Goodweek/bad week doesn’t work much better as a format (in my view).

NewsJack Series 20 Episode 1

A new series so I better get writing

I did struggle getting back into the swing of things but I will be submitting something for every episode of this series of NewsJack

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. Tehran has banned driving in cars with dogs. Why don’t they just stop giving dogs driving licences?
  2. Super Bowl news! The Northern Saw-whet beat the Andaman Boobook for ‘Best Plumage’ in 2019! Sorry, that should have been Superb Owl news.
  3. Thieves used sewers to empty a bank vault. Eye-witnesses describe the gang of four as aged 13-19, genetically affected by radiation, versed in martial arts and, strangely, being turtles.

I wanted to submit a Super Bowl joke as I love the superbOwl joke. I also know that one of my superbowl jokes was in the script before but not broadcast so I put it back in.

The TMNT joke had a couple of re-writes and I ended up here. For some reason I removed the word ‘well’ from infront of ‘versed’ which makes the joke harder to read.

Next up was Newsjackpedia. A section I don’t enjoy as really its not clear what the team want. Do they want wordplay or do they just want silliness.

NEWSJACKPEDIA:

  1. ‘Churchilling – To remember the ‘good old days’ of World War 2 and blitz spirit without having lived through World War 2 or the blitz.
  2. ‘Maroon Fiveing’ – To disappoint everyone when you are given your biggest chance to impress everyone.
  3. ‘Morganing’ –  To present the moral high-ground on morning television when you presided over the hacking of phones and the publication of fake Prisoner-of-War pictures.

Churchilling I enjoyed

Maroon Fiving was trying to get more superbowl stuff in

Morganing got reworded a few times…I was trying to make sure I’d not be sued!

None of my jokes made the broadcast. I’m not suprised!