Month: September 2017

NewsJack Submission 12-9-17

I found this on my computer.

uploading it but not sure which episode it was for.

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. Monkey selfie court case reaches settlement. There was lots of ‘oooos’ and ‘aaaaaaaah’ from the public gallery as the Macaque family members celebrated.
  2. 130 tonne ‘fatberg’ found in London sewer. I did think we’ve not seen or heard from the President of the United States recently
  3. Boris Johnson is flying to the Caribbean after the devastation of Hurricane Irma.  Locals have questioned this decision saying they have already suffered enough.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

  1. 10. Number of years since the original iPhone was released.
    10. Number of meters away from a power socket iPhone owners will risk going before hurrying back to charge them.
  2. 100. The number of people arrested at London arms fair this week.
    Zero. The number of arms dealers arrested at London arms fair this week.
  3. 8. Record number of organs donated by one girl.
    Zero. Number of donations Nigel Farage can make as he has no back-bone, no heart and no brain.

Back In Time – Newsjack Sketch Submission

Tony Blair throws his 2 pence into the EU migration discussion. Although now, with the pound collapsing against the euro its probably worth less than a penny.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-41216679

Back in Time

FX:                              Thunderbold

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        Marty! We did it! We have arrived in London in 2017!

MARTY:                                 You are crazy doc I can’t believe it!

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        You better believe it! Here, turn on the radio.

FX:                              Radio Crackle and tuning into station

NEWS PRESENTER:         And there we have it. Tony Blair giving his opinion on EU migration curbs. Coming up next, This week’s Eastenders….Phil Mitchel has a run in with ….[Fade Out]

MARTY:                                 There’s gotta be something up with your computer, Doc. This sounds like we are back in the 1990’s Britain not nearly 30 years later.

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        Let me try another radio station.

FX:                              Radio Crackle and tuning into station

DJ PRESENTER:                Its a great top 40 album chart we have for you this week. Eminem is up 4 places, Oasis rise 3 and The Verve have a new entry into this weel’s chart! Coming up next, the Foo Fighters…..[fade out]

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        This can’t be right! The computers are never wrong.

MARTY:                                 I don’t know, Doc. Maybe it was the millennium bug or something.

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        Lets check one more time before we head back.

FX:                              Radio Crackle and tuning into station

NEWS PRESENTER:         ….Tensions are high right now as the whole world looks on. At a time when we have enjoyed world peace for what feels like a generation, the fear now of a nuclear attack from the east is a serious possiblity. The President of the United States has said that…….[Fade Out]

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        This can’t be right. I think we should go home.

MARTY:                                 Let me set the co-ordinates…we need to go to somewhere when everything seems normal. We’re gonna head back to the good old US of A in the 2000s. Arnie is governor of California, There is a Bush in White House and hopefully I can finish watching the rest of Lost!

DOC EMMIT BROWN:        When this baby hits 88mph we are going to see some serious Sh…

MARTY:                                 Sorry Doc! Congestion charge zone. We’re going to have to take a left here and head out to the M3 before we can hit that kind of speed!

FX:                              Thunderbold

END

Facebookski – NewsJack Sketch Submission

Facebook uncovers massive Russian funded mis-information campaign

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-41182519

Facebookski

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound.

ANDREI:                                Hillary Clinton! 25 facts about her email servers. Number 17 will blow you away.

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound.

ANASTASIA:                         Andrei likes this!

FX:                              Keyboard typing sounds

SERGEY:                              Hey Guys. Check out this link! It shows people in the capitalist pig country of the America going out in a hurricane and stealing shoes!

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X2

ANASTASIA:                        Andrei & Sergey likes this!

FX:                              Keyboard typing sounds

ANDREI:                                Can you guess how long the next US Communications Secretary will be in the role? Place bets now!

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X3

ANASTASIA:                        Katya, Andrei & Sergey likes this!

FX:                              Keyboard typing sounds

SERGEY:                              Which communist leader are you? Take this Buzzfeed quiz Chairman Mao – don’t be Stalin to take this quiz.

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X2

ANASTASIA:                        Katya & Sergey likes this!

FX:                              Furious Keyboard typing sounds

ANDREI:                                Comrade Andrei, why do you not like my post? Do I need to report you to Validimir directly?

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X3

ANASTASIA:                        Katya, Andrei & Sergey likes this!

ANDREI:                                That’s better! Now have you finished creating your twitter accounts?

SERGEY:                              Yes! I’m up to ‘John436383’. That is 436382 accounts created today. For some reason someone is already posting as ‘John342342’.

ANDREI:                                Did they have a profile picture of an egg?

SERGY:                                 No, it was a white flag with a red cross and he talked about being England being for the English…but he spelt England I N G L U N D.

ANDREI:                                Don’t worry about him, that’s one of our top operatives in Europe, Vika, she is trying to destabilise the UK government.

SERGEY:                              It looks like she is doing a great job! She has already been retweeted by N. Farage, B. Johnson and someone called P. Nuttal.

ANDREI:                                I’ve never heard of any of them. Anyway, time to get back on to facebook. What have you got planned next?

SERGEY:                              It’s a quiz about a love which is rejected by most people but that doesn’t stop you still pursuing it.  It might feel wrong and people might judge you badly but we think it is really going to get the engagement across the social network and all the news outlets.

ANDREI:                                Sounds amazing! What is it?

SERGEY:                              “Ignore the haters! Is your love the real deal? Then don’t be shy! Let the whole world know! Take our Donald and Ivanka ‘love has no boundaries’ quiz to see what you’d do to enter the presidentship!”

FX:                              phone notification ‘bing’ sound. X10

END