Month: September 2016

Newsjack – Submission 9 – One Liners

After not submitting last week, I decided to get something in for this week.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. ENGLAND MANAGER SAM ALLARDYCE FACES THE SACK FOR HAVING A SECOND JOB BEING A ‘FIXER’ TO AVOID FA TRANSFER RULES. IF ONLY HE PUT AS MUCH EFFORT INTO HIS FIRST JOB, MAYBE WE’D SOARED TO THE SEMI- FINALS OF THE EUROS.
  2. DOG MISSING FOR EIGHT MONTHS FOUND IN MANCHESTER AIRPORT. FRIENDS OF THE DOG SAID HIS HEALTH WAS IMPROVING HOWEVER HE WAS STILL FEELING A LITTLE ‘RUFF’.
  3. A FAMILY IN LEICESTER DISCOVERED THE ‘4-HOUR ERECTION’ SPIDER IN A BUNCH OF BANANAS. APPROACHED FOR COMMENT THE KIDS ADVISED, “MUM AND DAD SAID THAT THE SPIDERS HATE THE SOUND OF BARRY WHITE AND CURRENTLY THEY ARE TRYING TO FIND ONE IN THEIR BEDROOM…AND WE AREN’T TO DISTURB THEM…ITS BEEN HOURS.”

VIEWSJACK:

  1. ITS GREAT THAT SEWING ROBOTS WILL PUT SWEATSHOPS OUT OF BUSINESS BUT DON’T FORGET WE ARE THE REAL LOSERS HERE – ITS RUINED THE GREAT BRITISH SEWING BEE.
  2. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. A SCIENTIST WINS A NOBEL PRIZE FOR LIVING AS A GOAT IN THE ALPS FOR A YEAR. I LIVE LIKE A PIG IN THE LIVING ROOM FOR A MONTH AND MY WIFE LEAVES ME.
  3. I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT COUPLE BEING ROBBED BY KIDS IN THAILAND. I WAS ROBBED ON HOLIDAY IN PARIS – HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRICE OF DISNEYLAND TICKETS?

I love the silliness of Breaking News #2, Breaking News #3 just feels too wordy and #1 I’m not sure is an actual joke! Not a great start but they do occasionally like stuff like BN#2 so who knows.

ViewsJack #1 I like but think it should be worded differently. I’m re-wrote it a couple of times but still not happy with it. I like VJ#2. I thought it was a very strange news article, I wonder if someone else spotted it and thought ‘there is a joke in there’? VJ#3 is another one which felt like it was going somewhere but I just couldn’t get to the destination I wanted. Even now, after submission, I’m thinking something else.

I feel sorry for the couple who went on holiday to Thailand and only discovered they were robbed when they got the pictures back. I had the same thing happen to me in Paris – €25 for the picture of me and the husband on Splash Mountain – Daylight Robbery!

Never Mind…some you win and some you lose.

Newsjack – No Submission this week

Nothing from last week’s submissions. Hit the low point of submitting bugger all. Serves me right.

 

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
– Wayne Gretzky

 

I will have to get back on it like a bonnet this weekend. I have got tickets for the Newsjack recording tonight so it should get me back into the groove of what they want. Hopefully I can get another joke in for this series.

Newsjack – Submission 8 – One Liners not sent.

I was struggling getting 6 jokes for this session. Until the 11th hour when I found something else I liked the look of and I bumped this joke off my submission.

“SAMSUNG’S NEW PHONE IS SO ‘HOT’ RIGHT NOW. THE GALAXY NOTE 7 IS ‘EXPLODING’ ONTO THE MARKET AND FIRST REVIEWS SAY IT IS ‘THE BOMB’. SAMSUNG HAVE SAID TRIGGERING IT FOR RELEASE BEFORE THE NEW IPHONE IS A RISK BUT THEY HOPE IT WONT ‘BLOW UP IN THEIR FACE’. ”

I also saw on twitter this tweet….

 


What a great set-up for a joke but I had literally just pressed submit on my 6 and so couldn’t do anything with it. Hopefully someone does as I think it is perfect for Newsjack!

Newsjack – Submission 8 – One Liners

I submitted these this week.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. MANCHESTER UNITED ARE THE FIRST UK CLUB TO EARN HALF A BILLION POUNDS IN A SEASON. THE NEW BILLING PROCESS OF CHARGINGS FANS FOR EACH MILE THEY LIVE FROM OLD TRAFFORD IS REALLY PAYING OFF.
  2. WHAT CAR? MAGAZINE HAS SAID THAT DESPITE THE EMISSIONS SCANDLE, 2ND HAND VOLKSWAGENS ARE HOLDING THEIR VALUE. VW ARE DENYING THAT AN EMPLOYEE WAS SEEN INSTALLING A BLACK BOX ON THE SERVERS AT ‘WEBUYANYCAR.COM’.
  3. PIERS MORGAN RISKS JAIL FOR TEARING ONE OF THE NEW £5 NOTES LIVE ON TV. OF ALL THE THINGS PEIRS COULD GO FOR JAIL FOR AND THIS IS THE ONE PEOPLE GET UPSET ABOUT.

VIEWSJACK:

  1. (POSH PERSON) I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT KATE MIDDLETON WAS DRIVEN AROUND BY THE QUEEN RECENTLY. WHAT SETTING DOES ONE NEED TO USE TO BOOK HER AS MY UBER DRIVER?
  2. NOW THAT WE WILL NEED A VISA TO GET INTO EUROPE, IS MY TRIP TO MAGALUF CANCELLED BECAUSE I BOOKED IT ON MY MASTERCARD?
  3. I LOVE THE IDEA THEY ARE BRINGING BACK GRAMMAR SCHOOLS. MINE TAUGHT ME ABOUT KNITTING, RATIONING DURING THE WAR AND CASUAL RACISM THAT THE WHOLE FAMILY POLITELY IGNORES.

I really like Breaking News#2 and #3 however the Piers Morgan one might be too risky. I liked #2 a lot though…but I’m guessing anything to do with VW emissions might be too ‘old’ as a joke even though it is a new news story.

And I was really happy with Viewsjack #2. Who doesn’t like a word-play joke? Simple, easy to understand and funny! VJ#3 also made me chuckle away. The VJ#1 I’m not sure why I needed to pre-face it with ‘posh person’ as I think it makes me out to be a bellend. ANYONE could have said that. What a prat!

Newsjack – Submission 8 – Sketches and Adverts

After last week’s lack of inclusion, I decided to help my chances by submitting the sketches/advert. These are harder to write (I think!) and as such, probably have fewer people submit them. Well they probably have lots of people submit them but whether they are relevant/up-to-date I’m not sure – I guess I will find out on Thursday night.

I’m going to put them as 3 separate blog posts but link back to them on this page.

Oh Glorious Nation of North Korea!

NHS Outta Time Sketch

Amazon Before Advert

I really like my North Korea sketch. The NHS one, I’m struggling with but I decided to leave it rather than try to get something else out. The Amazon Before advert was limited to just 30 seconds and I really enjoyed writing it.

Now these are done I have to concentrate on the one-liners. These have to be submitted by tomorrow lunchtime so I guess thats my evening and tomorrow morning sorted.

Amazon Before – Newsjack Advert Submission

 

NEWS STORY REFERENCES / RELEVANT LINK

Amazon have release the Amazon Dash Button to order household items with just a press of a button.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-37224691

 

Nish:                           Amazon continue to develop new ways for UK consumers to pay them more money without the pesky interference of the tax man. After launching a 2-hour delivery timeframe, they are just about to announce their next offering.

 

AMAZON BEFORE

 

Narrator:                    (American movie voice-over sounding voice) From the company that bought you Amazon Prime – with next day delivery, and then beat that with Amazon Now – with 2 hour delivery….You will not believe what we are doing next!

Customer 1:              Instant Delivery?

Narrator:                    No, that’s so last year.

Customer 2:              Then what?

Narrator:                    Amazon Before!

Cust 1&2:                  (confused) Amazon Before?

GRAMS:                    Back in Time (Huey Lewis and the News) – volume then reduced to sound bed        

Narrator:                    Do you remember when you last cooked a spaghetti Bolognese? You went to the cupboard to get some Italian mixed herbs?

Cust 1:                       Yes.

Narrator:                    And the jar of herbs was there?

Cust 2:                       Yes.

FX:                              Whooosh Sound

Narrator:                    Amazon put that jar there BEFORE you knew you needed it.

Customer 2:              That’s Amazing!

Customer 1:              No, That’s Amaze…on Before.

Narrator:                    Order now to get Amazon Before, now. Or get it yesterday, maybe last week. Actually you already have it, because you needed it in a month’s time. Amazon Before – don’t think about it too much as your head will hurt, but don’t worry as we’ve already put some paracetamol in the medicine cupboard.

 

END

 

NHS Outta Time – Newsjack Sketch Submission

NEWS STORY REFERENCES / RELEVANT LINK

Jeremy Hunt and the 7 day NHS

 

NHS Outta Time

 

Nish:                                    Health news and Jeremy Hunt is constantly ignoring patient safety and doctors recommendations while trying to force through a 7 day NHS. I’m not sure about your but I’ve managed to get to the hospital on a Saturday and a Sunday, even though they tell me there is nothing seriously wrong with me and the cream they give me will clear up the rash in no time. With talks at an impasse, Jeremy and his team bring in an expert to help them out.

 

Jeremy Hunt:                        This is getting serious team. The junior doctors are becoming more popular and we are losing the respect of the voters.

Lackey 1:                   What’s the problem?

Lackey 2:                   What is THEIR problem more like?

Jeremy Hunt:                        We need to fund a 7 day NHS and the doctors are saying it can’t be done.

Lackey 2:                   Our research shows that we have the money for a 5 day NHS…

Lackey 1:                   …and we have too few doctors to supply a proper 5 day NHS as it is.

Jeremy Hunt:                        So, what can we do?

Lackey 1:                   I’ve got a specialist who can help us here. Mrs Betty Spendapound, (Calling out) Can you come in.

SOUND FX:              Door opening

Specialist:                 Hello, Betty Spendapound here. Specialist in Time vs Money funding issues. You need a solution; I can help you create something from nothing.

All: Hello.

Specialist:                 No-one Is denying that we have a 5 day NHS, right?

All:                              Right

Specialist:                 And we only have the money for a 5 day NHS, is that correct?

All:                              Yes!

Specialist:                 But you need the doctors to work longer…

All:                              YES!

Specialist:                 …for the same money…

All:                              YES!

Specialist:                 so not actually work any additional days.

All:                              YES!

Lackey 1:                   You’ve really got this problem nailed.

Lackey 2:                   Well worth the £1000 consultancy fee per a day

Specialist:                 Plus expenses

Lackey 2:                   And expenses.

Specialist:                 Plus Final salary pension.

Lackey 1:                   And final salary pension.

Specialist:                 And, I don’t mean this to sound rude –  but the NHS is underfunded and over-worked – my private medical insurance?

Jeremy Hunt:                        Yes! Yes! Can’t expect you to give us top quality service without paying for it!

Specialist:                 And car allowance?

Jeremy Hunt:                        Don’t push it.

Specialist:                 Ok, I’ll leave then…and without telling you the solution.

Jeremy Hunt:                        Fine! Car Allowance.

Specialist:                 And 2nd home payment?

Jeremy Hunt:                        Are you an MP?

Specialist:                 No.

Jeremy Hunt:                        Well then it can wait until you’ve got a minister’s job for that one.

Specialist:                 Ok, then you guarantee me a Minster’s job when this is over?

Jeremy Hunt:                        Of course, or my name isn’t Jeremy Cu….I mean Hunt. So what is it?

Specialist:                 The solution is so simple you could have thought it up yourselves.

Lackey 1:                   But then what would we need you for?

Specialist:                 Exactly!

Lackey 2:                   So what IS the solution?

Specialist:                 The doctors all currently work 5 days and they need to keep working 5 days.

Jeremy Hunt:                        So how does that help?

Specialist:                 We simply just alter the clock so there are now an extra 8 hours in each day so the clock has 32 hours in the day.

Lackey 1:                   Wow! Its just so simple!

Lackey 2:                   You are so worth your cost!

Lackey 1:                   Jeremey, what do you think?

Jeremy Hunt:                        Its….Its…..its………….AMAZING!

Specialist:                 I do think so myself! We get the new required 7 day NHS but over the already agreed 5 day service.

Lackey 2:                   This could revolutionise healthcare!

Lackey 1:                   This could revolutionise EVERYTHING!

Jeremy Hunt:                        I can see the headlines now. Jeremy Hunt – Saviour of the NHS!

Lackey 1:                   How about, ‘Jeremy Hunt – Making Less with more!’

Lackey 2:                   Or ‘Cutting Costs, Controlling Quacks, Keeping Cool – Jeremy Hunt.’

Jeremy Hunt:                        Not sure we can trust the reporters to say that tongue twister without messing it up.

Specialist:                 Now about my payment.

Jeremy Hunt:                        Just submit an invoice.

Specialist:                 Its just now I want to be paid hourly?

Jeremy Hunt:                        Hourly?

Specialist:                 Yes, I can then bill you another 40%. £1400 a day, plus all the extras.

Jeremy Hunt:            Sounds like a bargain….and when it comes to the NHS, no expenses should be spared….unless it’s for doctors, when it should certainly be spared.

Specialist:                 Next up for discussion is Nurses. Now have you thought of adding amphetamines to the coffee so they can top up their meagre pay by cleaning the hospitals when they are off shift?

(SOUND FX – WALKING AWAY)

Jeremy Hunt:                        Tell me more Betty, tell me more….

 

 

 

 

 

END

Oh GLORIOUS Nation of North Korea! – Newsjack Sketch Submission

NEWS STORY REFERENCES / RELEVANT LINK

North Korea bans sarcasm because Kim Jong-un fears people only agree with him ‘ironically’

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/north-korea-bans-sarcasm-kim-jong-un-freedom-speech-a7231461.html

Title: Oh GLORIOUS Nation of North Korea!

 

Nish:                           World news now, and everyone’s favourite totalitarian despot is back. As well as trialing new nuclear weapons and so taking us one step closer to actually creating super-heroes, he has been cracking down on his opposition and has decided to take his control one step further….

 

FX:                                       People in a meeting room talking

Kim Jong-un:            So that’s it, we are banning sarcasm!

Official 1:                   (sarcastically) Well that’s a REALLY good idea.

Official 2:                   (sarcastically) I agree; it will CERTAINLY resolve the tensions we have                                         in our villages.

Kim Jong-un:                        Are you two taking the piss?

Official 1:                   (sarcastically) Never! It is illegal!

Official 2:                   In the glorious Nation of North Korea, Truthful wording                                                                       carries much important!

FX:      STANDING TO ATTENTION/HEEL SNAPPING TOGETHER

Official 1&2:             ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY RULER! KIM JONG-UN!        

Kim Jong-un:                        Hmmmm. Because it certainly sounds like you are mocking me….

Official 2:                   So what do you plan to do with the sarcastic dissidents?

Official 1:                   Do you want their family killed, or will you blast them with anti-aircraft                                            guns?

Official 2:                   Or will you spend millions developing a ’Sharknado’ like you saw in that                                       film, and send it in their direction?

KJU:                          I will think of a really good punishment for sarcasm.

Official 2:                   (sarcastically) I’m sure you will.

KJU:                           That’s it! That was definitely sarcasm. GUARDS! Take him away.

Official 1:                   Oh wonderful leader, what an excellent decision.

Official 2:                   But I was being serious!

Guard 1:                    Oi sunshine. You are coming with me.

Official 2:                   But I LOVE our leader.

FX:                              being marched away.

Official 1:                   Well, getting rid of him was a good idea.

KJU:                           Hmmmm, are you being sarcastic?

Official 1:                   No, oh glorious leader. He was negative in thoughts and words against the country and you, the great leader.

KJU:                           So the anti-aircraft guns are ready for use?

Official 1:                   Yes, they are loaded and primed as required.

KJU:                           (Jokingly) I doubt the anti-aircraft guns will be able to decimate that guy and his massive head. Hahahaha!

Official 1:                   (fake Laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..Hang on, was that sarcasm?

KJU:                           Errrrr. No. That’s illegal. What I did was …. Errrrr…..Banter! Yes! Epic banter. You know, between you and me, the Archbishop of Banterbury

Official 1:                   GUARDS!

Official 1:                   (to KJU) I’m so sorry, you made ‘banter’ illegal in 2015.

Official 1:                   (to guards) take him away for ‘epic banter’!

KJU:                           You can’t do this! I’m the Wonderful Leader….

Guard 1:                    Stop with the sarcasm.

KJU:                           ….of the glorious nation of North Korea….

Guard 1:                    You’re just making it worse!

KJU:                           ….my people love me….

Guard 1:                    Stop digging.

KJU:                           I AM THE GREATEST!

Official 1:                   That’s definitely sarcastic! We are going to have to kill you to death, twice now. I’m sure THAT will be easy….

Guard 1:                    Is that sarcasm? Right sunshine, you’re coming with me to!

END

Jokes

The world’s largest gang-bang occurred on the 23rd June. 60 million people were fucked by one guy, Nigel Farage.

Nasa spacecraft Juno makes closest ever approach to Jupiter. Its second space-craft, Immaturity, will soon pass the ring of Uranus.

Armed police in France have told muslim ladies to remove their burkinis to protect them from a  police state that dictate what muslim ladies should wear.

Newsjack – Submission 7 – update

I wasn’t confident with my NJ submission this week. Everything felt too wordy (and I struggled to get my 6 one-lines on 1 A4 page!) and I wasn’t really in the zone.

No email was received on Thursday so I new I wasn’t in with a chance but I do enjoy listening to Newsjack so I tuned in anyway.

What hit me this week was how ‘old’ some of the stuff was. They had Brexit, they had Trump. All stuff which could still be called ‘current’ but I still feel that these were probably written over the summer and just sent in. Time will tell if we see the same themes week on week.

I still haven’t got my own script together to submit – nothing since the Stonehenge one. I’ve got the weekend to put something together, I wonder if I will.