After last week’s issue I thought I would punish them buy submitting a sketch. As it was Monday morning and the deadline was 12 I didn’t have long to do this. A quick scan of the news wasn’t giving me much but then I saw a Tweet from Mark Thomas
And this gave me the idea of a Syrian Business Process Improvement Meeting. I bashed this out quickly and before I knew it I had submitted it.
Syrian Business Process Improvement (BPI)
FX: SOUND OF WAR/GUNFIRE IN BACKGROUND
ELYAS: This is the first meeting of the Syrian People Smuggler’s Collective. First point of order today is our business model.
SHAYMA: We need to make it better based on what the UK is saying. What can we do?
NIZAR: Well I recommend we look into any effectiveness of the operation. If we instigate a form of ‘Six Sigma’ then I think we can really improve on our smuggling defects.
ELYAS: Great idea! Those Brits wont know what has hit them when they see our 99.999% success rate. Anything else?
REEM: There has been a lot of talk of refugees being unhappy with how we are smuggling them out of the country. Have we thought about pulsing them?
FX: BOMB EXPLODING
ELYAS: As in Pulse Mine?
REEM: No, a pulse survey. We could do it through-out their journey to make sure we are getting a great Net Promotor Score from start to finish.
SHAYMA: If we can improve our Net Promotor Score or ‘NPS’ as we call it, then we can ensure that we see repeat custom and also that they recommend us to other people in the future.
ELYAS: That is exactly what we want. David Cameron wont know what has hit him when we can show, with proof, an NPS of 8 or above. What else can we do?
NIZAR: Its out-there and crazy, but it just might work….could we instigate a LEAN review?
ELYAS: See if they are on a slant?
NIZAR: No! Get with the times, Grand-dad! LEAN – as in we review the wing-to-wing processes that are involved in people smuggling and look to see where the waste is. We need to spend a week workshopping in a country house out in Shropshire. We will need post-it notes, a lot of wall space…and everyone to bring open minds.
REEM: I think within that week we could reduce the total smuggling time from 8 weeks down to 3 days. Can we make sure all the stakeholders attend the workshop?
FX: BOMB DROPS
SHAYMA: I know a mindfulness coach we could bring in for a day. They could coach the entire team and I think that would really improve our employee satisfaction scores during our annual review.
REEM: I’m really enjoying this ‘Brainstorming’ guys! Keep them up!
ELYAS: We’ve seen a lot of negative press in the news about unsuccessful smuggling….what can we do about that?
SHAYMA: I’m thinking we revisit the policy on social media. We all agree that there has to be a ‘paradigm shift’ on this if we want to ‘leverage’ our current ‘blue sky thinking’. We can’t ‘let the grass grow too long here’ otherwise we may ‘wrongside the demographic’.
ELYAS: Can we facebook about it?
NIZAR: FACEBOOK? Do you want us to also send a telegram and maybe a carrier pidgeon?
ELYAS: (cautiously) Myspace?
SHAYMA: (wispers to Elyas) Snapchat!
NIZAR: (excitedly) Snapchat! Its what all the cool kids are doing. We just need to assign a new Social Media Brand Manager.
REEM: Well I have well over 28 follows on Instagram.
SHAYMA: I ‘Like’ this!
ELYAS: OK. That settles it it. Final item on the Agenda. Budget. We are running seriously low on funds and with all our saleries, PLUS the new saleries for the Social Media Brand Managers we will struggle keeping this smuggling opperation afloat at Christmas.
NIZAR: Don’t worry I’ve got this sorted! I set up a crowd-funding site and people have been messaging me all week. This one guy has said he will fund us directly! I’m just waiting for him to reply back to me.
ELYAS: EXCELLENT NEWS!
FX: You’ve Got Mail sound
NIZAR: They’ve just replied.
PhoneJacker: I am Engr. David Koni, the Chairman of the Contract Award Committee,Cotonou Republic of Benin West Africa, We need a trustorthy partner to assist us in the transfer of ELEVEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS…for further investment in your country….
ELYAS: What could possibily go wrong?
FX: MASSIVE EXPLOSION
Lets see if this gets performed (or changed very slightly and then performed and broadcast) this week.