Month: March 2016

NewsJack – Submission 6 – One liners – Update

Based on the previous submissions I didn’t have my hopes up. I was very happy with the jokes but because of what has happened before I wasn’t excited about recording day or transmission. I didn’t have any tickets to this recording so that probably helped to keep my feet on the ground. The first I would know about it would be during broadcast.

Wednesday passed and I was at comedy elsewhere. That’s the recording day. Thursday came and I remembered that they would send me ‘thanks but no thanks’ emails. I’ve received 2 of these before around 5.30-6pm. Thursday working day passed with nothing of note. I got on the tube home, as I usually do, and opened up Candy Crush to pass the time. I was listening to the excellent Scroobius Pip Distraction Pieces Podcast and he was chatting with Stuart Lee.

My phone ‘pinged’ to say I had an email. I do love having wifi on the tube, and I jumped out of my game to read it….

Email from the NewsJack Production team confirming a joke of mine made the grade and was in the broadcast edit.
Email from the NewsJack Production team confirming a joke of mine made the grade and was in the broadcast edit.

I couldn’t stop grinning! It may have taken well over a year to get to this point but here I am. A confirmed writer on a BBC broadcast radio show. I immediately message all my friends to let them know and they were so excited for me. I must have submitted 60 + jokes in the time I have been trying, 2 made the script (confirmed) and I saw two performed and one of those broadcast (but not acknowledged).

NewsJack is broadcast at 10.30 on a Thursday evening on Radio 4 extra. I usually listen on my iPlayer radio app but it was showing in my TV guide so I tuned in.and ‘watched’ it.

At each ‘Breaking News’ section I wondered if it would be my turn and also, what joke would they use. The excitement was unbearable…and then I heard it.

A RUGBY PLAYER HAS HAD HIS PENIS NEARLY RIPPED OFF DURING A GAME. IT WAS A DREADFUL LOOKING TACKLE, SAID THE DOCTOR WHO FIRST EXAMINED HIM.

And then the most important bit…. the acknowledgement!

you can check out more about NewsJack here http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00kvs8r and the whole episode here http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b073r1c6

One thing is for sure…. I AM THE GREATEST!

Watching A Comedy Chum – Part 3

For the last month or so I’ve had 2 of my chums signed up to the Comedy Virgin’s gig at The Cavendish Arms in Stockwell. It has been in my calendar for a while and I’ve been looking forward to it.

I got there plenty early and bumped into one of the guys from the comedy course I did in December. We talked about what our plans were for the future regarding comedy. He has a plan of lasting 5 minutes at the Comedy Store’s Gong Show. For him that is the measure of ‘success’ and that comedy is not a career that he is interested in. This is very different to what I’d consider success to be and it was strange to hear a view different to my own. He is planning on fine-tuning his set from the comedy show-case to give him a tight 5 for the Gong Show… I wish him the best of luck for it.

Regarding the chum’s I was attending to support, well 1 turned up and other was unfortunately ill. The guy who turned up was Chaand and he had threatened to bring 35 people to the gig! I’m not sure Comedy Virgin’s could handle that many extra people but it would have to cope. Chaand had written some new material for the gig and had it printed out, word for word, on A4 sheets of paper. He wanted to go through it to us two and we settled down to hear it.

The first thing we both noticed was Chaand’s usually excellent delivery was stilted. He was reading the words and then tripping up over them and missing bits out. Both of us advised him to write some bullet points to remind him and to have faith on him knowing the stuff he had written. 10 minutes later and he had his bullet points written out and the delivery was so much better.

We were called into the gig and took our seats. Some-how Chaand was front row and centre. He seemed very eager to get up there. The Host (Paul) did a great job warming up the room and advising of the rules. The room was PACKED and there were a few very drunk people there already who felt they needed to join in. There were also a lot of people just talking all the time which was a little unfair on the acts.

The acts came on stage thick and faster. Based on the sign-up list at the door there were well over 20 acts looking to perform so it would be a LONG night! I decided before we sat down that if Chaand was on in the first half, I’d leave at the interval. Not in the spirit of the bringer show but I felt with the support Chaand already had, one less wouldn’t be a problem. I did see one of the acts leave at the same time so I wasn’t the worst person there!

Eventually Chaand got called up to the stage and began his set. With just his small bullet points rather than reams of paper he was a lot more confident up there. I think this was a different experience for Chaand from the Comedy Showcase but he took control of the crowd well. His material was solid and he got plenty of laughs. I think he could have easily done another 3 or 4 minutes with the material I saw earlier in the evening however the strick 5 minute set time at Comedy Virgins is not to be questioned!

Hopefully Chaand will do more gigs and get further confidence in his comedy self. I also look forward to seeing him on ‘Dinner Date’ and see how he copes with the food from strangers!

Fancy listening to it? Click it below.

NewsJack – Submission 6 – One liners

One last week and then NewsJack is done for the series. I can stop worrying about whether I should write/submit anything for this. Here are my submissions for the last show in the series.

ONELINERS:

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. A RUGBY PLAYER HAS HAD HIS PENIS NEARLY RIPPED OFF DURING A GAME. IT WAS A DREADFUL LOOKING TACKLE, SAID THE DOCTOR WHO FIRST EXAMINED HIM.
  1. CHRIS EVANS APOLOGIES FOR TOP GEAR STUNT. THIS IS IN PREPARATION FOR HIM HAVING TO APOLOGISE FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE TO TOP GEAR OVERALL.
  2. A RABBIT OWNER IN OZ TRIED TO CONVINCE THE POLICE HER ILLEGAL RABBIT WAS A GUINEA PIG. I HAD SOMETHING SIMILAR. MY GIRLFRIEND BELIEVED ME WHEN I SAID I HAD A MASSIVE SNAKE, UNTIL SHE SAW IT.

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. (AMERICAN ACCENT) WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL WITH ANDERS BREIVIK’S SALUTE ON THE FIRST DAY OF HIS TRIAL? WE’VE BEEN DOING THESE SALUTES AT ALL THE DONALD TRUMP RALLIES FOR WEEKS, DON’T MAKE US NO RACISTS!
  1. I CAN’T BELIEVE TFL CANCELLED A CONTRACT AND PAID NEARLY £100 MILLION FOR A SUPPLIER TO NOT DELIVER TUBE IMPROVEMENTS. I COULD HAVE NOT DELIVERED TUBE IMPROVEMENTS AND I WOULD HAVE CHARGED THEM ONLY £50 MILLION.
  2. I’M GLAD AMAZON DON’T DO AGE CHECKS ON PURCHASES, OTHERWISE I’D NOT BE ALLOWED TO BUY THE LIMITED, COLLECTOR EDITION, HARRY POTTER TOYS. IN UNRELATED NEWS, WHY AM I STILL SINGLE AT 43 YEARS OLD. SINGLEARUS EXPELLARUM!

 

Initial feedback from my Showcase comedy group is that the Chris Evans joke is the weakest. Lets see what the BBC decide to  steal use this week (if anything).

Watching A Comedy Chum – Part 2

Late Sunday afternoon I got a message in a group chat from one of the guys off my Comedy Showcase course. He’d been let down by a mate for a ‘bringer’ show he was taking part in and needed his +1 to be able to perform. It was a Sunday night, but more importantly I always want to help support my friends with their comedy so I agreed to be there.

The venue was ‘Comedy Virgins’ at the Cavendish Arms, in Stockwell.

I drove there but it is about a 10 minute walk from Stockwell Tube Station. From the outside there is nothing to suggest there is anything being held there. When I arrived inside, it really felt like I was in the wrong place. A pub, next to a housing estate with no signs of there being comedy on. I checked the postcode and this definitely was the right place!

I had never attended a Bringer show before but the concept is one which splits the comedy community. Some people think it is a preying on comedians to help a venue make loads on drinks; others believe it helps improve audience sizes through increasing ‘normal’ audience members and not just have the acts play to a room full of comedians waiting to perform.

My chum arrived and put his name down on the list – number 11. We weren’t sure where he would end up on the bill but 2nd half seemed to be where we thought he would perform.

The doors opened and we grabbed some seats. Not front row but on an end so he could get up easily when it was his turn. The room quickly filled and before too long the compare – Paul Langton https://twitter.com/mebepaullangton  – took to the stage. He explained the set up of the night, how it was an extra show due to so much interest in taking part. He also explained to make it fair to everyone there were some rules.

  • 5 Minutes only
  • Don’t leave after your set
  • If you like an act, at the end of their set shout ‘buy them a drink’ as well as whooping and a hollering.

The Compare then pulled a number out of his wine-bucket tombola……The first act of the night was…..number 11 – My chum!

As the first act of the night a massive round of applause carried him from his seat to the stage. The set started strong and kept building. The audience loved the punchlines and some of the comparisons (‘Why do we have seatbelts on planes but not on buses?’). They laughed at the funny bits and chuckled when he explained his broken fingers.

The 5 minutes passed quickly and soon his set was over. The audience were going wild and when the compare got back on stage there was a loud chant of ‘buy him a drink! Buy him a drink!’ so the first act of the night also became the first act to have a drink bought for them. It did mean he would be part of the ‘clap-off’ at the end of the night for the limited edition winner’s trophy.

All the acts for the rest of the evening made me chuckle. Unknown to me, the smart looking business man with a florida tan sat next to me, was down on the list and went up to perform. 4 minutes in and he got the 1 minute warning . At which point he gave the tech-desk a nod and they started some music. The music was stripping music! The shirt came off, then the trousers….under which he had fishnets stockings and high-heels hidden in his trainers. Very different to everything else on the night but really well received!

At the end of the evening there were 8 acts on stage who all got the ‘buy them a drink!’ shout from the crowd. They were then in a clap-off in pairs. My friend was in the first pair but it was closely fought and unfortunately he was the first person to be sent back to the audience. Eventually the final two were so closely matched that they actually become JOINT WINNERS.

As I left the pub I thought about what a great evening it had been. The venue was a proper set-up for comedy and the audience really did help to keep the laughter and applause going for all the acts all evening.

I’m due back here on Wednesday to see some other friends of mine perform. 2 people this time. At least I know what to expect and I’m certainly looking forward to it.

KickStarter Campaign to bring back ‘As It Occurs To Me’.

Richard Herring has taken to Youtube to tell people that he will be starting a Kickstarter for bringing back a video version of As It Occurs To Me.

Hello all. After the success of the RHLSTP kickstarters we’ve decided to do the same for As It Occurs To Me. We want to make at least six monthly VIDEO episodes of this stand up and sketch show and we need money to pay the actors, camera crew, editors, puppet makers and cartoonists. We want to make these to TV quality so it’s not going to be cheap. But all the episodes (as well as hopefully some extras and stand alone sketches) will appear for free online.

Help us make six VIDEO episodes of the seminal standup and sketch show.

www.gofasterstripe.com/kickstarter

 

I’m not sure I’m a fan of the lampooning of an AIOTM fan as that character could easily be me! You can watch the video here.

 

The video also includes the comedian Lou Sanders, comedy writer and actor Ben Moor, Chris Evans (NTO) and someone else.

Thanks to AndyMcH for help identifying the people who weren’t Lou Sanders.

NewsJack Submission 5 – Oneliners

I didn’t submit anything this week, but if I had It would have been these.

 

ONELINERS:

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. BREXIT NEWS – BORIS JOHNSON SAYS HE DIDN’T FORCE A GAG ON STAFF REGARDING VOTE. HE REFUSES TO COMMENT ON WHETHER HE MADE THEM WEAR A LEATHER HOOD OR LATEX BODY SUIT IN PRIVATE MEETINGS.

 

  1. MORRISSEY TO CAMPAIGN TO BE LONDON MAYOR. WITH SONGS LIKE ‘THE MORE YOU IGNORE ME, THE CLOSER I GET’, I KNOW ITS GOING TO HAPPEN SOMEDAY’ AND ‘LET ME KISS YOU’, HE SEEMS PERFECT TO REPLACE BORIS.
  2. DRIVERLESS HGVS TO BE TRIALLED IN THE UK. TRUCK DRIVING UNIONS ARE WORRIED ABOUT WHO WILL CALL OUT ‘OI OI!’ AND ‘CHEERS UP LOVE!’ TO WOMEN ON THE STREET?

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. I DON’T UNDERSTAND ALL THIS FUSS OVER INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY. APART FROM INVENTING X-RAYS AND RADIO THERAPY, OBSERVING EVIDENCE OF DARK MATTER, DISCOVERING THE XY CHROMOSOME, DISCOVERED NUCLEAR FISSION, UNLOCKED THE SECRETS OF DNA….WHAT HAVE THEY EVER DONE FOR US?

 

  1. I DON’T BELIEVE THAT MY DRINKING THE NIGHT BEFORE AFFECTS MY DRIVING IN THE MORNING. I NEVER GO OFF THE RAILS WHICH IS LUCKY AS I DRIVE THE TUBE.
  2. MY BANK CONTACTED ME TO SAY I HAD AN OUTSTANDING AMOUNT ON MY ACCOUNT. WHICH IS STRANGE AS I’VE BEEN SPENDING LOADS RECENTLY AND I’D HAVE THOUGHT I’D HAVE RUN OUT OF MONEY.

 

A bit Boris heavy on the Breaking News but seeing as they aren’t getting them, I don’t care!

NewsJack Submission 5 – Sketch

After last week’s issue I thought I would punish them buy submitting a sketch. As it was Monday morning and the deadline was 12 I didn’t have long to do this. A quick scan of the news wasn’t giving me much but then I saw a Tweet from Mark Thomas

And this gave me the idea of a Syrian Business Process Improvement Meeting. I bashed this out quickly and before I knew it I had submitted it.

 

Syrian Business Process Improvement (BPI)

 

FX:                             SOUND OF WAR/GUNFIRE IN BACKGROUND

ELYAS:                      This is the first meeting of the Syrian People Smuggler’s Collective. First point of order today is our business model.

SHAYMA:                  We need to make it better based on what the UK is saying. What can we do?

NIZAR:                       Well I recommend we look into any effectiveness of the operation. If we instigate a form of ‘Six Sigma’ then I think we can really improve on our smuggling defects.

ELYAS:                      Great idea! Those Brits wont know what has hit them when they see our 99.999% success rate. Anything else?

REEM:                       There has been a lot of talk of refugees being unhappy with how we are smuggling them out of the country. Have we thought about pulsing them?

FX:                              BOMB EXPLODING

ELYAS:                      As in Pulse Mine?

REEM:                       No, a pulse survey. We could do it through-out their journey to make sure we are getting a great Net Promotor Score from start to finish.

SHAYMA:                  If we can improve our Net Promotor Score or ‘NPS’ as we call it, then we can ensure that we see repeat custom and also that they recommend us to other people in the future.

ELYAS:                      That is exactly what we want. David Cameron wont know what has hit him when we can show, with proof, an NPS of 8 or above. What else can we do?

NIZAR:                       Its out-there and crazy, but it just might work….could we instigate a LEAN review?

ELYAS:                      See if they are on a slant?

NIZAR:                       No! Get with the times, Grand-dad! LEAN – as in we review the wing-to-wing processes that are involved in people smuggling and look to see where the waste is. We need to spend a week workshopping in a country house out in Shropshire. We will need post-it notes, a lot of wall space…and everyone to bring open minds.

REEM:                       I think within that week we could reduce the total smuggling time from 8 weeks down to 3 days. Can we make sure all the stakeholders attend the workshop?

FX:                              BOMB DROPS

SHAYMA:                  I know a mindfulness coach we could bring in for a day. They could coach the entire team and I think that would really improve our employee satisfaction scores during our annual review.

REEM:                       I’m really enjoying this ‘Brainstorming’ guys! Keep them up!

ELYAS:                      We’ve seen a lot of negative press in the news about unsuccessful smuggling….what can we do about that?

SHAYMA:                  I’m thinking we revisit the policy on social media. We all agree that there has to be a ‘paradigm shift’ on this if we want to ‘leverage’ our current ‘blue sky thinking’. We can’t ‘let the grass grow too long here’ otherwise we may ‘wrongside the demographic’.

ELYAS:                      Can we facebook about it?

NIZAR:                       FACEBOOK? Do you want us to also send a telegram and maybe a carrier pidgeon?

ELYAS:                      (cautiously) Myspace?

SHAYMA:                  (wispers to Elyas) Snapchat!

ELYAS:                      Snapchat?

NIZAR:                       (excitedly) Snapchat! Its what all the cool kids are doing. We just need to assign a new Social Media Brand Manager.

REEM:                       Well I have well over 28 follows on Instagram.

SHAYMA:                  I ‘Like’ this!

ELYAS:                      OK. That settles it it. Final item on the Agenda. Budget. We are running seriously low on funds and with all our saleries, PLUS the new saleries for the Social Media Brand Managers we will struggle keeping this smuggling opperation afloat at Christmas.

NIZAR:                       Don’t worry I’ve got this sorted! I set up a crowd-funding site and people have been messaging me all week. This one guy has said he will fund us directly! I’m just waiting for him to reply back to me.

ELYAS:                      EXCELLENT NEWS!

FX:                              You’ve Got Mail sound

NIZAR:                       They’ve just replied.

PhoneJacker:           I am Engr. David Koni, the Chairman of the Contract Award Committee,Cotonou Republic of Benin West Africa, We need a trustorthy partner to assist us in the transfer of ELEVEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS…for further investment in your country….

ELYAS:                      What could possibily go wrong?

FX:                              MASSIVE EXPLOSION

 

END

 

Lets see if this gets performed (or changed very slightly and then performed and broadcast) this week.

NewsJack Episode 4 Submission – Update

As I said in the previous blog post I had tickets to this. I went with a comedy friend of mine (Madro White) who I’ve seen a few things with and we’ve enjoyed them. He knew I’d submitted some stuff as excited like me on whether anything of mine will be performed.

The tickets said validated from 5.45pm and doors opened at 7.45. We arrived at 5.45 and got tickets number 66 and 67 – probably the lowest numbers ever from attending a recording. The audience team told us to be back at 6.30 as they were doing a full security screening of everyone. We grabbed a quick dinner at Pizza Express that is close to the Beeb and we back at 6.50pm. we need not have rushed as there was plenty of time and the security team had done a great job keeping queues down. We had to re-queue to get through security and I was happy we had out numbers already as people were getting 170+ numbers now.

The onsite Costa gave us some tea and we waited to be called in. The started with the usual production guests then people who need assistance. The first ‘batch’ of numbers was 1-50 and so Madro & I made the 2nd call in. Our seats were 6 rows from the front and gave us a great view of the stage.

The show had a lot of jokes about Super Tuesday and the results of this. Later in the evening Madro asked how much of the show was actually written by submitters and how much by a team of writers. I told him that sketch submission deadline is Monday @ 12 and oneliners Tuesday @ 12. Based on that you can work out what could have been submitted and not based on the content. I also explained I always submit at the last possible moment as you want to make sure that you have stuff that is as up to date as possible. If you submit on a Friday afternoon and something massive happens over the weekend then reduce the chance of your work being included.

The cast supporting Nish did an excellent job although they did nearly all trip over over various lines which caused a great reaction from the audience, they suited the content perfectly.

Nish’s opening monologue went first and was well received and as the show progressed they did various ‘breaking news’ sections and nothing of mine. As each one passed and the minutes ticked by I felt more and more that I’d missed my chance again. I must admit, even if I am a little biased, that I felt my Breaking News sections were much funnier than some of the ones performed. With pretty much 5 minutes to go before the end of the show they did ‘ViewsJack’ section. I didn’t feel my viewsjack submissions were that strong and I very much doubted they would perform a joke where the punchline was making reference to testicles.

Then it happened;-

Sad News that Greggs is to close 3 bakeries. It will lead to the loss of several roles, a cheese lattice and a couple of steak bakes.

Which is pretty much

GREGGS IS TO CLOSE 3 BAKERIES. JOB LOSSES MEAN HUNDREDS OF ROLES WILL GO. AND THERE WONT BE ANY CORNISH PASTIES EITHER.

I wasn’t overly happy with the cornish pasties reference (Does Greggs even sell cornish pasties? ) so I liked their change to cheese lattice and steak bakes. I did originally not have the detail about job losses. An early draft was

Greggs is to close 3 bakeries. Hundreds of roles will go. And there wont be any cornish pasties either.

But I felt that I wanted to have the twist about roles/rolls at the end so needed to reference jobs and ROLES rather than a laugh at just Rolls. At the recording people did laugh loads at the roles/rolls joke and then again for the extra bit.  A recording of the performance is as follows;- (thanks to the recorder for the snippet)

And so it is! During the broadcast of NewsJack episode 4 last night they broadcast the joke! 😀 Excellent work there Twon!

Except they didn’t mention me at all as a writer or send me an email. Which means one of two thing:-

  1. Someone else wrote the joke
  2. Fuck you!

Is it possible, out of all the Trump/US election or Tory Party/Brexit/Boris stuff someone else found the little story about Greggs in the roughly 1 hour it was up on the BBC website before the submission deadline, and wrote a very similar version of a joke I wrote, using exactly the same set-up. Its equally possible that their script editors (or in house writers) saw my joke, liked it and felt they could improve on it. If that is the case then I’m not sure where it lies regarding the ‘writer’ of the joke.

Would they have written the joke themselves without seeing my joke first? Does the guy who writes the first draft of a Hollywood blockbuster not get recognition, even though a team of writers may pull apart his draft? I’m quite pissed off about this as twice stuff has got in and twice there has been no recognition from the NewsJack team. Maybe other people have come up with my jokes (its very possible) but to then submit to NewsJack it just seems a little strange. They aren’t the biggest news stories around but I keep getting rejected. This joke got massive laughs which is a huge confidence boost but then with no acknowledgement it means that it is of no use to me professionally.

Do I keep submitting to NewsJack and have them use my jokes with no credit (who knows what other jokes I’ve submitted previously that were performed and just didn’t make it to the broadcast), have other writers acknowledged and paid for my work OR do I stop submitting to NewsJack and start writing and performing myself.

In a level of hubris usually unseen by Twon I have emailed the producers of NewsJack to ask them what I could do to improve my chances of being included. It might be a big mistake but what are they going to do, not acknowledge my jokes and broadcast them anyway? 😀

NewsJack Episode 4 Submission

I was very undecided about submitting this week after last week’s situation. However, if I do want to be a comedy writer then I really do need to keep submitting comedy where-ever I can. So submit I did and this is what I came up with.

Breaking News (about the news)

  1. Google Self Driving car has been in an accident. It saw a gap in the traffic and the computer worked out you could fit a bus through there. It turned out you could, but not at the same time as a google self-driving car.
  2. The US has had the largest Methane Leak in history. Blame is thought to lie with an obnoxious Trump currently sweeping the nation.
  3. The Smiler ride at Alton Towers is to reopen. It now won’t cost an Arm or a Leg to ride.

 

Views Jack (vox pox about the news)

  1. After I proposed on the leap day, my boyfriend said he was just popping out for a bit, I think he was going to get a ring. Its been over 24 hours, how long should it take him?
  2. There has been a lack of Ginger Nuts since the flooding last year. Why this affected the birth of Scottish boys I’ll never know.
  3. I don’t care Wetherspoons has axed its Sunday roast dinners. I now cook at home. I say ‘cook’ but really I just open a can of Stella while my kids run around screaming.

This is what I had at 9.30am on the Tuesday of submission.

I liked it but I felt that Breaking News #3 might be dismissed as in poor taste. At 11.45am it had been replaced and I’d tidied up a few of the other jokes.

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. GOOGLE SELF DRIVING CAR HAS BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT. IT SAW A GAP IN THE TRAFFIC AND THE COMPUTER WORKED OUT YOU COULD FIT A BUS THROUGH THERE. IT TURNED OUT YOU COULD, BUT NOT AT THE SAME TIME AS A GOOGLE SELF-DRIVING CAR.
  1. THE US HAS HAD THE LARGEST METHANE LEAK IN HISTORY. BLAME IS THOUGHT TO LIE WITH AN OBNOXIOUS TRUMP CURRENTLY SWEEPING THE NATION.
  2. GREGGS IS TO CLOSE 3 BAKERIES. JOB LOSSES MEAN HUNDREDS OF ROLES WILL GO. AND THERE WONT BE ANY CORNISH PASTIES EITHER.

 

VIEWJACK:

  1. AFTER I PROPOSED ON FEBRUARY 29TH, MY BOYFRIEND SAID HE WAS JUST POPPING OUT FOR A BIT. I THINK HE WAS GOING TO GET A RING BUT ITS BEEN OVER 24 HOURS, HOW LONG SHOULD IT TAKE HIM?
  1. MCVITTIES HAS BLAMED A LACK OF GINGER NUTS ON THE FLOODING LAST YEAR. WHY THIS AFFECTED THE BIRTH OF SCOTTISH BOYS I’LL NEVER KNOW.
  2. I DON’T CARE WETHERSPOONS HAS AXED ITS SUNDAY ROAST DINNERS. I NOW COOK AT HOME. I SAY ‘COOK’ BUT REALLY I JUST OPEN A CAN OF STELLA WHILE MY KIDS RUN AROUND SCREAMING.

I had a pair of tickets for this recording also so if they choose to perform something of mine, I will be there to see it!